25. jesus christ // brand new
I walk into our new house in LA, breathing in the fresh air that was being let in by open windows. We've been here since right before leaving for tour. It's now October and we've been planning our wedding. I just got home from our wedding planner's house. I set down my things by the door, taking off my shoes.
"Michael, I'm home." I call out. I hear no response or movement. My instincts kick in and I rush upstairs to our bedroom and I find that he isn't in there, but our bathroom door is closed with light coming out from underneath it. I walk over, knocking on the door gently as I can hear crying on the other side. "Mikey, sweetheart. Are you okay?" I ask, turning the door knob and all I find is him rushing to clean up a bloody mess. I frown, taking the things from him. I start cleaning him up myself. I gently dab a wet wash cloth around the cuts, getting rid of the blood around them. After bandaging them, I just take his hand, leading him downstairs to the living room. I sit him down on the couch in front of me. "What's going on?" I ask calmly, wiping the tears from his cheeks. He just shakes his head, putting it on my shoulder. I rub his back gently, trying my best to calm his nerves. Recently his eyes have been getting grayer and grayer, almost back to their original color when I first saw them. And it makes me so upset to see that happen right in front of me. Once he manages to stop crying, he looks up at me, sniffling.
"I'm just, I'm so depressed. I know my life should probably be really great because we're getting married, we just finished our second headlining tour a month ago. You wouldn't think I have depression. But, Luke. My depression has only gotten worse and I'm scared. I'm scared to die. I don't want to die but I feel like one day I'll cut and I'll cut too deep and you won't be there. I don't know why I hurt myself anymore. I don't know why I'm so sad anymore. I just am and it sucks." Michael rants, sighing. I just hug him tightly, tears forming in my eyes.
"I don't want you to leave either, Michael. I love you a lot and you doing this is scaring me to death. I'm afraid that one day I'll come home and I'll find you dead. I am so scared that I'll come home to only find you dead and I would never be able to live with myself. I am never leaving you. And I want you to call me next time. Call me or text me next time. If you feel like hurting yourself, tell me and we'll talk it out. I promise we will get through this." I smile at him, wiping my tears now. He pushes my hands down, wiping the tears for me with the sleeve of his jacket. I smile more at the gesture.
"We're going to get through this." He repeats what I said before.
"Yes. We will get through this."
"What do you think about kids? Do you want to adopt or do the surrogate thing?" Michael asks out of nowhere in the middle of the movie we are watching.
"I wouldn't mind a couple of kids." I smile contently, leaning against him. "And a couple means two." I laugh a little and so does he.
"We should do that. We should try for a kid with a surrogate mother." Michael smiles.
"What would we name our kids?" I ask, taking his hand that's wrapped around my middle.
"I don't know. If it's a girl, we can name her Zelda." Michael chuckles as I nudge him gently.
"Her middle name can be Zelda." I say and he just agrees so he can sort of get his way. "How about for a girl, we can name her Madison." I smile. "Madison Zelda Clifford-Hemmings."
"That sounds good. And can we please, if it's a boy, can we name him Link?" Michael sort of whines and begs. I giggle, kissing the back of his hand.
"How about Austin Link Clifford-Hemmings?" I ask, kind of wary about the name Austin.
"Hm. No. How about Alexander Link Clifford-Hemmings? We can call him Alex for short." He asks, kissing the top of my head.
"I like that name." I smile.