Modern Fairy Tales

Times have changed. And now so have the tales.


1. Retold Rapunzel

"Let's be honest-- new mothers always make mistakes. But I'm pretty sure none were as big as the one that my mother made.

When my mother was pregnant, my family was very poor. Dad was doing odd jobs around the house, and mother was an office worker. But they were happy, and they were smart.

Smart enough to realize that the free samples given out at a supermarket were enough to survive on. Every time they'd see one, they'd take a photo of it and sent it to the other. Then they'd go in, get a sample, go out, wait five minutes, go back in, get a sample, go back out, and repeat until the store closed. It was tiring, but it worked.

But remember how I said that Mother was an office worker? She had money. She made a lot of money. But she wasn't very good at saving her money, to say the least. She would always go out and buy things she didn't need. 

One day, she bought a laptop. Of course, laptops are worthless unless they have wifi. So she bought a six month internet service card.

She got addicted to the internet-- or rather, she got addicted to She would spend days on end playing games like Fetty Wappy Bird, Little John Silver's Fishing, and Silento of the Lambs; the Video Game. She quit working to. This was her craving.

Of course, this meant she didn't spend her money, which was good for her husband, who used it all to pay off debt. Pretty soon, they were broke again, and, because Mother wasn't working, they could barely pay for anything else besides water and little pieces of food. Of course, Mother didn't care-- until she got the message that her internet service would end in three days. Mother got angry and told Dad, "I will not eat or drink until the service resumes!".

Dad, as any father would think, did NOT want Mother to die as well as I, so he got onto the internet while Mother was using the bathroom one day and found the number of the owner of the website. He quickly called.

"Yo?" said a voice on the other end.

"Hello. This is Ramses Kole. Who is this?"

"Dis is B-Witch. Famous rapper. So what chu want?" 

"I'm calling about my wife." Dad explained his situation. "So would you maybe just give her three more months with the website? Just until my baby is born? Then we'll work to pay it off!"

There was a chuckle on the other end of the phone. "Oh sure! Like I'd ever think of making a deal for money! Naw. I want a wife."

"Oh. Ever thought of a dating website?"

"The ones with all the fakes are on the free ones. And the good ones are too expensive. I was thinking that your child would be the one. Raise her as my own, tell her that she's not my kid, and then get her to marry me."

"I-! No!"
"No child, no deal, no wife-- for me or chu."

Dad thought for a second. It was the only way he could keep his wife alive! "Okay," he agreed.


Dad told the address.

"Great. I'll be dere when de child is born!"

Three months later I was born into the world. And then suddenly poof! I was gone.

Dad gasped. "Who took the child? She just...disappeared!"

A familiar chuckle came, and B-Witch appeared. "Haha. She's with me."

"Wait-- you're a wizard? And a rapper?"
"Chea. What chu think B-Witch mean?" He disappeared with a chuckle.

He named me Rapunzel, after the website. 

For twelve years, I lived in ignorance. I was trained to talk fast, chuckle weird, and wear heavy gold chains. And then one day, B-Witch told me the truth. He told me the whole story of my mother and father and

"You lied?" I asked.

"Hey, look at chu. Look at me. Do chu and me look anyting alike? Naw. Now den. For the question. Will chu marry me?"

I hit him on his head. "No! You raised me like a daughter, and now you want to marry me?"

"Ches. Now den, accept. Or else."


Next thing I knew, I was in a tall building right outside a city that only had a single window that had a hook above it, and my hair was three-hundred feet long. Why he had enchanted my hair, I don't know, but I guess that he had to get up to me some way.

Every day, he would come and visit me, ask me to marry him, and I would reject him. And then he'd give me food, make me kiss him, and leave.

I passed my time by rapping, which I was great at. I knew that someone would hear me eventually.

And what I knew was right. One day, a boy about my age came by and saw me in the tower.

"Hey!" he said.

I stopped rapping. "Hey!" I answered back.

"You're a good rapper!" he said.

"Thanks! That's all I have to do. I'm trapped in here. Come on up. Let me just let my hair down so that you can come up." I let down my long, golden hair to the boy.

He climbed up and came inside. "Names Andrew."

"Rapunzel." I explained myself.

"Oh. Well haven't you ever thought of just, I don't know, hooking your hair on that hook and going down?"

I facepalmed. "Oh! Dur! Okay, so slide down my hair, and then I'll hook my hair up and swing down."

Andrew nodded. I let my hair down and he slid down. 

"Okay!" he said.

I hooked my hair on the hook and slid down to the ground. "Well that was easy. Let's get out here!"
Suddenly beside me, I heard chuckling. "Run!" I screamed.

But all of that hair did not help. B-Witch stopped me by stepping on my hair and pulling me back to him. 

"You thought dat you could escape a wizard, huh?"

"You can't be a wizard! You don't have a wand!"
"Oh really? Then what's this?" He held out a microphone.

I grabbed it. "Mine!" I yelled, and rapped into the microphone. 

POOF! Just like that, B-Witch evaporated and the magic microphone was mine.

I rapped into it and poof! appeared beside Andrew. Then I grabbed him and rapped poof!ed to my mother and father's front door.

I knocked on the door.

"Who is that?" asked Dad, coming and answering. 
"Your daughter. Rapunzel. Not B-Witch's real daughter. And this is Andrew, my friend."

"Why are we at my parent's house?" asked Andrew.

"Wait, this is your parent? He's my father! So...wait, he's your son?"
"Yep. And you're my daughter?"
"Yep. So we're siblings?"

"Yep. WAIT!" said Dad, realizing what happened. "Beth! Beth! OUR DAUGHTER IS ALIVE AND NOT MARRIED!"

"WHAT? OMIGOSH!" said Mother, sweeping me in her arms. "What happened?"


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