3. No Faults
One thing among the white folks is that I could never tell what color their hair or their eyes is. Is it blonde, brunette, black, dark blonde, fair blonde? e.t.c I thought his hair was brown or golden brown. I later found out it was dark blonde. Whichever color it was anyway, I liked it. He had blue eyes, they reminded me of the sky. People might disagree, but I won’t agree with them because that’s what happens when you like someone, you see things differently. Watching him use his hands to rub through his hair is always a blessing. He is handsome. I often wonder, does he know my eyes are brown not black? I know they look black from far away but they are actually brown and they are really beautiful when I open them wide. He certainly doesn’t know that, right? How can he? I doubt if he has ever tried to look at my face for that long.
That day, he stood by the blackboard and there was this smile that I don’t think I have ever forgotten. It was the cutest smile ever. There was nothing special about it, there were no dimples or beard aiding the smile but because it was his smile, it was beautiful. I don’t think I am able to find any faults in this lad. If someone else behaved the same way he did, I probably would have disagreed with it but everything was just okay because it was him. Even when people complained of his behavior, I tried so hard to join them, if only I could say the mean things they were saying maybe it wouldn’t be so hard anymore. I saw what people are saying, I got why they were complaining but a bad word couldn’t leave my lips. I wanted to defend instead. It’s frustrating, liking someone in secret.
Sometimes, I wondered, does he check my social account the way I check his? Do I look half as smart as he does to me? And for the first time in my life I am wondering if I should tell him how I feel? But the feeling of rejection scared me so much that I choose to bear it. Once in a while he acknowledged my presence and we shared a joke or two but he went back to being the same different guy almost immediately, it was really strange. I don’t know if I heard it right or not but I think he called my first name once. I have kept that memory for so long in my head. I heard my name everyday but isn’t it funny how hearing one’s name from the mouth of that special person just felt different?