Puku's Secret

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  • Published: 16 Jun 2016
  • Updated: 16 Jun 2016
  • Status: Complete
An African girl's first crush in America

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4. Can I stop?

I still stared a lot but I think it reduced a little. Once in a while, I actually congratulated myself that I forgot about him even if it was just for a second. I did not think of him when I read, ate, talked to people or listened to a lot of music, and because of that I did those a lot lately. I think I had gotten to that stage called ‘acceptance’ or maybe not. I still had that stupid hope left that maybe just maybe he could like me back and so I did not want to let go. Yet, as time went on I think we humans let go before we even realize it. Letting go doesn’t mean your heart stops beating fast when he passes by or that you stop staring at him, it means you don’t touch your chest while your heart beats fast and you also don’t look away when he catches you staring. You have to make everything seem normal. You need to have the courage to look him eyeball to eyeball the way you look at other people. You need to be able to say out loud that he did wrong when he does and you also need to not shy away from him but talk to him. I believe that that’s the point that shows that you have let go, it doesn’t mean you don’t like him anymore it just means you have buried him somewhere inside your heart.

I don’t think I had let go by that time though. I still couldn’t stare at him eyeball to eyeball, and I couldn’t really say something bad about him yet but I believed I could do it. Be it in 5 months, a year or more, it will definitely go. The heart doesn’t lean on people for too long, it will always find someone else, that’s literally its job. But if you ask me what stage I was then, I don’t know!! I still worried for him, listened to his voice in a crowd and stared at him when he wasn’t looking, I still wished that maybe somehow he would like me back, I still thought that his eyes were beautiful and above all I still remembered his smile and wished I could tell him how much I was in love with it. So I think I haven’t reached the letting go stage yet and for now I still am 100% in like with him.

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