The next morning I wake up, and everything comes back to me. I must be truly stupid to think Tom really has feelings for me. I don't want to hurt Abraxas, and I avoid going to breakfast and noon meals, staying in the dorm by myself, thinking. I can't just go back in time, not again. I can't make last night never happen. There was too much that I would know, and then I would have to act like I didn't know any of it. Like I avoid Abraxas, Esmeralda avoids me. That is, until night falls, and she walks into the room so that she can get changed for the dance.
"You alright?" She asks me, opening her closet door.
"Yep." I say, forcing a smile. "How long do we have until the party starts?" I ask her.
"About a half hour. Do you need help with anything? Hair? Makeup?" She asks me, and I nod, and her face bursts into a huge grin. We change our clothes, and once I'm in my dress, Esmeralda seems awed at how I look. "You look amazing." She tells me. The dress, more of a gown, it's shimmering silk and satin, a deep red, with a black tie around the waist, and a corset top, lacing up in the back. I wouldn't be able to eat much at the party, but I would definitely look amazing.
"Thank you." I say. "Your dress is made for you, as well." And I truly mean it. Her dress is a mix of red, gold, black, and green, perfect for christmas, and it is definitely gorgeous with her figure, tall and elegant. We help each other with hair and make up, and when I look in the mirror, I feel like an entirely different person than the one who snuck out last night, kissed another guy, and agreed to let down the guy I loved. The thought leaves my face pinched.
"You sure you're alright?" She asks me, worried.
"Yeah, it's not a big deal. Thank you for your help. I have to go meet up with Abraxas."
"He's been wondering where you were all day. I told him you weren't feeling well and wanted to rest up for tonight." Esmeralda says, smiling.
"Thank you. I appreciate it." I tell her. "I'll see you later." I give her a quick hug, then dash from the room. Downstairs, on the way to the tower, I come to a stop when I see Tom. His eyes glance me up and down, his eyes wide. "Tom." I say, taking a small step back.
"Lucinda. You look lovely." He tells me, his eyes darker than usual, but definitely beautiful.
"Thank you, Tom." I tell him. "I was just on my way to meet Abraxas."
His face falls when I say Abraxas' name. "Can I ask you something?" He asks.
"Um, yeah. Of course." I say, confused.
"Do you love him?" He asks me.
"Love him?" I ask, surprised.
"Abraxas. Do you love him?"
"I-I don't know. I mean, he's a good friend. We only recently, um, he had asked me to the party. I know he has feelings for me. But, I don't know if I love him or not, yet. I admit there are some strong feelings there." I tell Tom.
"Oh. Maybe, for now, you should continue seeing him. Just until you decide if you love him or not. I don't want to force anything on you until you're absolutely sure." Tom says, and that surprises me even more.
"Tom, why are you telling me this? You told me last night.." I trail off, realizing I wasn't supposed to remember last night. It had shocked him when I said I would still remember. Had he been trying to change my memory last night? "You told me you love me."
"I do love you. But it wouldn't be fair to you, or him, to take you away from him before you know who you love, who you want to be with. My mother had used a spell on my father, and he never truly loved her. I don't want it to be that way with us." Tom admits, taking my hand. "I love you but you will always have a choice, Lucinda."
I look at him with tears in my eyes. "Thank you, Tom. It means the world to me." I give him a quick kiss on the lips before turning around, and running from the corridor to the tower.
Abraxas seems surprised to see me running over to him, and surprised at how amazing I look. "You're so beautiful." Abraxas tells me.
"Thank you." I say, giving him a small smile.
"Esmeralda said you weren't feeling well. Are you alright?" He asks me.
"I'm fine. I just didn't sleep well last night. I must have been nervous." I say, blushing.
"Cute." He says, kissing me gently. Kissing him is very different than kissing Tom. There is passion, yes, in both kisses. But with Tom, there is a lace of poison that changes the way your heart beats, and the way you move closer to one another without realizing it. With Abraxas, I'm concious of every little thing I do, and every little thing he does. When I pull back, he looks confused. "Everything alright?" He asks me.
"Your smudging my lipstick." I tease, wiping the little bit that had ended up on his lips off.
"Tell me, is it my color?" He asks, turning his head.
"Oh no, I'd think something like coral or peonie for you, Love." I tell him, giggling.
"Oh really?" He teases back, pulling me in closer, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"Really." I lay, still giggling, and I nod.
"Are you ready for the party?" Abraxas asks me, and I nod again. He takes my hand in his, intwinning our fingers, and we walk down the hallway to the great staircase, and head to the magnificant ballroom that is perfectly decorated for the Christmas Party. "So I have question."
"And that is..?" I ask, smiling as we walk into the ballroom, and I spot Esmeralda with her date, Carter.
"I want you to make up with Tom. If you two are going to fight, then it's a big problem. You're supposed to be friends with him, and it's not okay to be threatening to use curses on each other when one of you gets mad at the other." Abraxas says.
"Abraxas?" I say, turning to face him, and he tilts his head to the side.
"Yes?" He asks.
"Tom and I already made up." I admit, pulling him in close.
"You did?" He asks, furrowing his brow. "When?"
"Last night, or actually, really early this morning. I couldn't sleep and I snuck down to the tower. I found him and he was..." I trail off. Sadness fills my heart just thinking about it.
"He was what?" Abraxas asks me.
"He was cutting, but with his wand." I admit, tears prickling at the corner of my eyes.
"You better not be serious." Abraxas looks shocked, his eyes filled with surprise.
"I am serious. He was really upset, and I kind of used magic, to heal his cuts." I admit.
"You can heal already?" Abraxas whispers.
"Yeah. There's a lot I can do." I tell him. "I don't even have to always use my wand. But that's not the point. Tom and I are alright now."
"You can use magic without a wand?" He asks, surprised.
"Yeah, it's just something I've always been able to do." I tell him, then kiss him gently. "But again, you don't have to worry about Tom and me fighting anymore. Everything is alright."
"Good," He kisses me back, and I hear Esmeralda laugh loudly beside us. Abraxas pulls back, still smiling, but holding my hand much more tightly this time.
Carter, beside Esmeralda, smiles at Abraxas, and says "I'm Carter Lockhart, it's a pleasure to finally meet you."
"Abraxas Malfoy, and it's a pleasure to meet you as well. You play Quidditch very well. I'm thinking about trying out next year." Abraxas says, then, he remembers I'm standing there. "This is Lucinda Prewert." He tells him. "My g-girlfriend." He stammers when he says girlfriend, and I give him a reassuring smile and I gently squeeze his hand.
My other hand, I put out for a handshake. "Hello." I say, and he smiles shaking my hand.
"Hello. A pleasure to meet you. So you're the girl who has the highest grade in the whole school." Carter says, watching me closely. "What's your secret to beating out Riddle for the highest grade?"
My smile falls, and I blush, not because I'm embarrassed, but because Carter mentions Tom. "No secret," I mumble. "Excuse me." I say, letting go of Abraxas' hand, and making my way to the refreshments table. Abraxas appologizes and excuses himself as well, and follows me to the refreshments.
"Lucinda? What happened?" He asks, surprised.
"Nothing." I say, looking down into the punch bowl.
"Lucinda. Is it because I called you my girlfriend? Do you not want me to call you that?" He asks, searching my face.
"No. That is not it. I liked that you called me your girlfriend. I don't like the way Carter was looking at me, and I sure as hell didn't like him bringing up Tom. " I say.
Abraxas takes my hand, and I look up at him. "I thought everything was alright between you and Tom."
"It is." I say, "I just didn't like the way he was talking about Tom. I'm not trying to beat Tom out for the top grade in the school, and there's definitely no secret to it. Everything has always been easy for me, at least academically. Magic comes easy to me. I always know the right answer before I even take one second to think about it. I can't help that I'm a freak." I tell Abraxas. "He made it seem like there's something really truly wrong with me."
"You are not a freak, Lucinda. There is nothing wrong with you. You're definitely not ordinary, but that doesn't make you a freak. You're academically gifted is all. And a natural with magic." He wraps his arms around me, and I lean into him.
"Do you really think so?" I ask him.
"Of course I really think so, Lucinda. Now back to the girlfriend thing. You sure you're okay with it?" He asks me, and I tilt my chin up, looking him in the eyes, and I nod.
"Yes." I whisper. "More than okay with it." I brush my lips against his, and feel my heart leap into my throat when his kisses me again, his tongue seeking enterance and when I oblige, his tongue traces my own, caressing my tongue as his arms tighten around me, and I slide my hands up his chest, my arms wrapping around his neck, and my hands resting on the back of his neck, touching his beautiful white-blonde hair, soft and silky.
I hear someone clear their throat, and I pull away rather quickly, even though there is nothing wrong with two teens kissing one another. Except, maybe it might be. It's the 1940's after all. I glance around, and I see Albus Dumbledore standing infront of Abraxas and me. Of course, the Dumbledore of this time, when he was a professor and not the headmaster. He has seen me everyday since I came back to this time. He doesn't know anything about our future. He doesn't even know I can time travel. He just knows I was a transfer and that I am top of the class. He gives me a small smile, and says hello, then glances at Abraxas.
"Sorry, professor. I thought she needed a bit of love to get her through the evening."
"It's quite alright, M'boy." Dumbledore says, smiling. A second year walks over, and I recognize him as Rubeus Hagrid, the half giant, half human wizard. He reminds me of a bear, and he is also a lot like a teddy bear. Warm, and cheerful. While Dumbledore and Hagrid talk, I take Abraxas' hand and we get some food and punch, which means we have to let go of each other long enough to eat and drink. When we're finished, Abraxas gives me a sly smile, and tilts his head to the side.
"Would you like to dance, Lucinda?" He asks me.
"I thought you'd never ask." I tell him, grinning, taking his hand and leading him onto the section reserved for dancing. The music is cheerful and bright, and fun to dance to, but then a slow song comes on, and when Abraxas pulls me in close, I lay my head on his shoulder, and I feel his arms wrap lightly around my waist, and for the first time, I'm amazed, I had never known how well of a dancer Abraxas is. I'm not very light on my feet like he is, I constantly worry over every little thing. But dancing with Abraxas, it's easy to forget about worrying and just go with it. It feels a lot like my time jumping, smooth, and gently, swaying back and forth to the music. It's relaxing. Calming. That is, until I feel eyes on me and I glance up. I see Tom standing by himself. I had tried not to think about him tonight, but my thoughts always seem to return to him. The song ends, and I pull away from Abraxas. A fast song comes on, and I tell Abraxas I need to take a break. A girl from Gryffindor cuts in, asking to dance with Abraxas, and I nod, and glance around, looking for Tom. I see him just as he turns the corner, heading out of the party. I rush after him, not catching up to him quickly enough. He is already up the steps and at the tower when I reach the hallway. It is clear he hadn't realized I had followed him.
"Tom!" I say, my voice cracking because I'm breathless after chasing after him. He stops beside the tower door, looking over at me, and I close the distance between us. "Why did you leave the party?" I ask, noticing he had changed into a tux, a very dashing tux indeed.
"Wasn't having much fun." Tom admits. "Why did you leave?" He asks.
"I needed a breather. But I also noticed you leaving, so I decided I should come after you, make sure you're alright." I tell him.
"Why would you want to make sure I'm alright?" He asks, then stops. "Forget I asked that. Of course you would be worried, after last night." His eyes are darker than usual, and he glances down at the floor. "I'm really sorry you had to see me like that."
"I'm glad I did. If I hadn't been there..." I trail off. We both know he could have went too far. And that would have been it.
"That makes me feel worse, knowing that you probably would have been the one to find me in the morning." Tom says. "I hadn't been thinking." His runs a hand through his hair, a gesture that makes him look like the little boy I had first met two years ago.
"I don't know if I could bring you back from the dead." I whisper. "Healing has always come easily to me, even when I was a little kid. I had tried to heal my mother, but my father kept screaming at me. Even when her heart had completely stopped beating, and there was something in me that kept telling me I could save her, I don't know if I actually could have..." I trail off.
"Would you try?" Tom looks up at me. "If anything did happen to me, would you care enough to try?"
"I think we both know I would." I tell him.
"I wouldn't deserve it though." Tom says, and I hear the truth he believes in his voice. But, it's only the truth to him. To me, that is a lie.
"But you would." I whisper.
"And you really believe that, after everything I've done?" He asks.
"Even if you make a million more mistakes, just like the rest of us will, you would deserve to live, Tom." I answer him.
"Thanks, Luce." Tom gives me a small smile.
"Welcome, Tom." I tell him, and say, "Don't I at least get one dance?"
"You want to dance with me?" He asks, his face full of surprise.
"Why wouldn't I want to dance with you? It's not every day that I get to see you look this dashing. Though, you do look mostly dashing every day." I smirk.
"Dashing, huh?" He asks, taking my hand, twirling me around, then, pulling me back towards him, one arm wrapped around my waist, the other still holding my hand above my head, and twirls me back around, and back, then we're facing each other, and his hand is caressing my waist, while the other one is on my elbow, holding onto it as we dance around in-front of the tower door. I giggle as he dips me, when he pulls me back up, we're face to face, and he is no longer smirking at me like he once did. His lips are turned up in a real smile.
"Last night..." I whisper, "You said you love me. Do you still feel that way after watching Abraxas kissing me?" I ask.
"I will always love you, even if you decide you don't love me. I will admit that it hurts to see you two kissing and laughing and smiling, but as long as you're happy, I'm okay with it." Tom whispers back. I realize he is still holding onto me, although we are no longer dancing and are just standing, face to face. "I just can't bear fighting with you any longer, Lucinda. Not when I love you this much."
"I agree, Tom. I don't want to fight. Fighting with you leaves me weak and I can't think at all, and then I get depressed and I don't want to end up the way I was after my mother died." I tell him, tears making their way into my eyes.
"Shhh. Don't cry, Luce." He pulls me in closer, drying my tears. "I'm sorry I've hurt you so much. I'm doing to you what my father did to my mother, and I don't want to be anything like my father." He kisses my cheeks right below my eyes, and then he pulls back gently. He notices something on my arms, and runs his fingers over them. "You used to cut." He says, shocked. I blush, realizing how stupid I've been, telling him not to cut, then him seeing my scars. Before I can pull away, Tom brings one of my arms to his lips, pressing kisses along the scars scattering my arms. "Don't ever cut again." He tells me, leaning in to whisper in my ear. "Or you will not like what I do to you."
"And what is that something?" I ask, looking him in the eyes, daring him to say it.
"You'll find out if it happens again." He says, giving me a small smile that makes me smile back.
"It's been a long time." I tell him.
"I can tell. Their finally beginning to fade." Tom whispers. "Soon, they'll be gone, but I know the pain will still be there. I wont cut again, if you promise you also wont. No matter how bad things get?"
"I promise, Tom." I tell him.
Tom nods, and says, "I promise as well." His eyes have become less dark, and his lips are parted just a slight bit. "I love you, Lucinda." He says, honestly, and I brush my lips against his softly, slowly, and just when his hand comes up to caress my cheek, I pull back.
"I can't say it yet." I tell him honestly.
"I don't expect you to. I hope in time you might, but I will not push it." He says. "I just want to say it, so you never forget that you have options. If you ever realize you have feelings for me, or come to love me, I'll always be waiting for you Lucinda."
"Tom, I want to be honest with you." I say, touching his cheek gently. "If I didn't have feelings for Abraxas, I would automatically choose you. It's that simple. I do have feelings for you, but I can't hurt Abraxas. But that means I am hurting you. And I hate that. I don't want to hurt you."
"It would hurt more if you didn't have feelings for him." Tom says. "If you didin't, then that would mean there was a bigger reason why you couldn't choose me, even if you had feelings for me. I like it better that you're trying not to hurt either of us. Just know, if it doesn't work out with you and Abraxas, I'll be here waiting for you, give you a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to you, or if you just want to sit in the same room, not talking or anything, it's all alright to me."
"Thank you, Tom. I owe you big time." I tell him.
"No, you will never owe me anything, Lucinda. I am forever indebted to you. So if there's anything you ever need, I will repay the favor."
"Tom, I can't, N-no! Tom you don't-" He cuts me off.
"No, Lucinda. That's the way it is. I owe you, my love." He kisses my forehead, and says "Maybe we should go back to the party."
"Yes. That sounds good." I know my cheeks are still red from him calling me his love. But, I cannot help but lead the way back to the party, and back to my date. Tom says he's going to go talk to Dumbledore, and I head over to Abraxas.
"Why were you talking to Tom?" Abraxas asks.
"Tom wasn't having much fun, and I told him he just needed to relax a little bit." I tell him, lying through my teeth. "Everything is good." I tell him.
"Good." He kisses my cheek, and hugs me to his chest. "Are you having fun?"
"Very much." I say, grinning. That much is true. Hanging out with Abraxas is fun. Hanging out with Tom is fun. Just relaxing, and swaying with the music? Even more fun. But I'm getting tired as well. I glance at the clock, seeing that it's 2 am. Where did the time go!? Oh no, did I speed up time or something?
"It feels like the night is dragging on. Some of the students have already gone up to bed. Do you want me to take you back to the dorm? I think Esmeralda has already gone to bed." Abraxas says.
"Yes please." I say, stiffling a yawn. "I'm exhausted." I tell him as he takes my hand and leads me to the dorm.
"Well, then I shall bid you a goodnight, Lucinda." He bows to me formally, and when he stands up, I pull him in close, kissing him gently. He kisses me back, then pulls away. "I'll see you sometime tomorrow. After tomorrow we can go home." He says grinning. I know he can't wait to tell his parents that we're dating. But is that what I want? I'm unsure.
"Goodnight, Abraxas." I say, blushing, then slip into the dorm and to my room. Esmeralda is already asleep, her blankets tucked in around her. I pull off my dress, and slip into a nightgown, and slid under my bed covers, falling instantly to sleep.
I watch as Lucinda stiffles a yawn, and allows herself to be lead out of the ballroom by Abraxas and to the girls dorm. I wait a little while before I finally leave the party, noticing when the clock strikes 3 A.M. I run into Abraxas, and at first he looks startled, then he realizes I'm not in a bad mood.
"Tom." Abraxas says, giving me a small nod.
"Abraxas. Can I talk to you?" I ask.
"Of course. But the real question is if you want to talk to me."
"I really do. I wanted to appologize for how I acted out against you, and tell you I was wrong. Lucinda really does like you. I was wrong to get in the way of that, and I am truly sorry, Abraxas." I tell him, and I notice how his mouth falls open slightly in surprise.
"Thank you, Tom. All is forgiven. Um, you were talking to Lucinda?" Abraxas asks.
"Yes, sorry if that's wrong. I wasn't having very much fun, and Lucinda livened the party up a bit by getting me to relax for a change. I also appologized to her for the way I had been acting." I tell Abraxas. "I was wrong to hurt her that way, and I regret it. If she wants to be with you, that's her business, not mine."
"But you like her?" Abraxas asks, looking me straight in the eyes.
"I love her." I correct, glancing at the floor. "I know it's stupid. She'd never like me, especially not after the way I treated her. You're a lucky guy, Abraxas."
"It's not stupid. It's like the fact that I love her. I know she likes me, but does she love me? I'm not sure about that. I feel lucky just having her as a friend, she's a truly amazing girl." Abraxas sums it up pretty well.
"She really is." I say. "Well, I need a shower." I tell him. "Have a good evening."
"Tom?" Abraxas asks as I turn down the hallway.
"Would you like to sit with Esmeralda, Lucinda and myself at breakfast tomorrow, then on the train with us? Maybe even come to our house for Christmas?" Abraxas asks.
"I'd like that. It beats going to the orphanage, for sure. Thank you, Abraxas." I tell him.
"Anytime." Abraxas tells me, heading in the opposite direction. "G'night."
"Night." I turn around the corner, and head to the shower.
Other than Lucinda, I'd never had anyone want to be friends with me. I was born at the orphange, and shortly after I was born, my mother died. I was raised at the orphange, and the other kids detested me, and I them. Before Lucinda came to Hogwarts, I'd never known what it was like to love anyone. Before Lucinda, I was much more broken than I am now. I had meant what I said. Abraxas is a lucky guy. Lucinda is one special girl. And I had just given up on her ever loving me, because I know that it is too much to ask of her. It would somehow make her less special to be with someone like me, someone who is not worth her time, much less not worth her love. I'm tarnished, and Lucinda is polished. And she shouldn't become tarnished, not when she has such a bright future. Dumbledore had even said so tonight. I just wish that future could somehow include me. But if not, there is nothing I can do about it.
I wake up when I hear a knock on the door. Normally, I would ignore it. But it seems like the person is insisted because the knocking gets louder and harder the longer they knock. I glance around the room, noticing that everyone else is already gone, including Esmeralda. Everyone's beds are made, but their suitcases are still laying on the beds. I jump out of bed, opening the door even though I'm only in a thin night gown. Tom Riddle steps back as I open the door, and when he sees me, he blushes.
"Sorry. Esmeralda told me to come get you because breakfast will be over soon, and she said you need to eat." Tom tells me, looking away as if it's unseemly to see me in my bed clothes.
"Right. Um, I'll just be a few minutes." I tell him. "Don't go anywhere."
"Of course." He says, and I close the door, rushing around the room and finding my Slytherin robes as long as a pair of leggings and a short pink dress. I put them all on, and then grab three presents out of the closet. When I open the door, Tom is leaning against the wall, facing away from the door. I clear my throat, and he glances over at me, and smiles.
I hand him the present wrapped in green wrapping paper and a small red ribbon. "This is for you. Merry Christmas, Tom."
"You didn't have to get me a present, silly girl." Tom tells me, taking it gingerly, obviously surprised.
"I did." I tell him. "I did have to."
"Well, it only seems right..." He trails off and reaches into the pocket of his robes, and hands me a beautifully wrapped present in red and black wrapping paper, and a larger green ribbon.
"Thank you, Tom." I say. I slip the presents for Esmeralda and Abraxas into my robe pockets, and open Tom's present as he watches me. Inside is a small black velvet box, with an expensive looking, antique locket with the crest of the Slytherin house on it. "Tom, where did you get this!?" I demand.
"I did some digging around, and apparently my mother was a direct descendant of Salazar Slytherin. Which makes me the Heir of Slytherin." Tom tells me. "This was in my mother's possession when she died. I thought perhaps it would be perfect for you to wear." Tom says, and I stroke the locket.
"It's amazing." I tell him. "But it belongs to you. You're mother left everything to you."
"In case you haven't noticed, the only jewelery I wear are rings. And in a way, you remind me of the way a lot of people said my mother was. Vibrant. Full of life. Beautiful." He pushes a lock of my hair behind my ear. "It's meant for you, Lucinda."
"Thank you, Tom." I say, standing on my tip toes, and I kiss him on the cheek. I settle back on my feet, and clip the locket around my neck, and it falls heavily on top of my robes, bouncing once on my chest, then rests perfectly between my breasts.
"You're welcome, Luce." He begins to open my present, and when he gets it open, he pulls out a book that is very old, and when he opens it, inside is a note that reads 'For Tom Riddle, A man who is great at magic, and loves a good book. Hope you enjoy!'. "Luce, this book is ancient! Where did you find this? It's much more expensive than what I gave you!"
"It belonged to my mother, and she got it from her great, great grandparents when she was a bit younger than we are. I thought you might enjoy reading it. There are a lot of spells and enchantments and magical creatures that aren't in the books here or taught by any teacher in the whole wizarding community. Trust me, despite it being old, it's rather a good read." I tell him, smiling.
"Thank you, Lucinda." he tells me, pulling me in for a hug. "When I'm finished reading it, would you like it back?"
"Keep it."I tell him. "I'm hoping we're friends for a long, long time, and it's not that big of a deal."
"It really is a big deal. You just don't know it yet." Tom tells me, still hugging me. "Mind if I drop this off in my room, then we can go to breakfast.
"Of course." I tell him, following him to the boys dorm, and I stand outside the door as he puts it in his room. When he gets back, I ask "Wait, so you said Esmeralda told you to come get me."
"Yeah, Abraxas and I are cool now, and he invited me to sit with the three of you for breakfast and on the train, and um to their house for winter break...." Tom trails off.
"Seriously?" I ask, my eyes getting wide.
"Seriously." Tom says, and I laugh.
"That's awesome. We'll have so much fun this winter." I exclaim, hugging him. I feel his hands slide around my waist, holding onto me tightly as we hug. When we pull back, his blushes, then kisses my cheek gently. Staring into his eyes, I wish I could just kiss him the way I really want to, but last night, Abraxas called me his girlfriend. It would be wrong to kiss another guy after that. "Shall we go to breakfast?" I ask Tom, moving away from him.
"Yes." He says and we walk down the hallways to the cafeteria. I get my breakfast, and make my way over to Abraxas and Esmeralda. I kiss Abraxas gently, hand him his present, then hand Esmeralda hers, and take a seat between them, smiling when Tom sits down beside Esmeralda and gives her a small smile. The Malfoy twins open their presents, and both hug me, then hand me the presents they got for me. Abraxas had gotten me me a red silk dress that will absolutely look perfect on me, and Esmeralda had gotten me a pair of earrings, a ring, a stick of lipstick, and a pack of parchment paper for my assignments.
Abraxas and Esmeralda act as if nothing has changed, but they talk to Tom easily, and I wonder what exactly happened. I decide to ask Abraxas on the way back to my room so that I can pack my suitcases, and be ready when the train arrives.
"You and Tom seem...cool..." I trail off, unsure of what to say and how to say it.
"Yeah." Abraxas smiles. "Trust me, things are going to be better from now on." He wraps an arm around my waist, and I blush.
"So, what happened exactly?"
"Tom and I talked. We're friends now." Abraxas says.
"Yeah, but that tells me nothing!" I exclaim.
"Why is it such a big deal?" Abraxas asks me, and we walk into my room, and in anger, I levitate all of my belongings, and focus my energy on the suitcase. "Hey, stop. It's better to do it by hand!"
"No. It's not." I say. "And it's a big deal because you're not explaining anything. You're being evasive. What the hell did you talk about?" I demand, organizing my belongings by using my magic, not focused with my wand.
"Stop it, Lucinda." He grabs my shoulders, making me lose my focus. My stuff falls to the floor, and I hear something break. My eyes get wide, and I pull away from him, looking around for what broke.
I find the crystal heart that had belonged to my mother shattered all over the floor. I let out a sob, sinking to the floor.
"Oh my goodness." Abraxas says, bending down next to me. "I'm so sorry, Lucinda." I pull away from him once again, and Abraxas uses a spell, making the shattered pieces form back into the heart I had always held so dear to me. "I'm really sorry," Abraxas says. "I know that is important to you, I just... I didn't realize everything would fall like that."
"I lost concentration." I say. "Everytime I'm around you, I lose my concentration on what really matters."
"So, I don't matter?" Abraxas asks, hurt.
"I didn't say that." I tell him.
"But you meant it." Abraxas moves away from me. "Sorry I cause so much problems for you. Maybe Tom's right, you are too good for me." He starts to walk to the door, but I lock it with my magic. I walk over to him, pressing his back against the door.
"Don't ever walk away from me, Abraxas, and don't ever twist what I say around." I tell him. "Just don't."
"Lucinda, don't tell me what to do. Now, move away from me, and let me unlock the door." Abraxas demands.
"No." I push him harder against the door to make my point. "What the hell do you think you're saying? I'm not too good for you. Look at me, I'm pathetic. I'm a loser. You're a Malfoy, special, smart, funny, sexy, and powerful. If anyone is too good for anyone, it's you whose too good for me. I'm nothing. You proved that when you turned your back on me." I say, shaking my head, tears streaming down my face.
"Stop, Lucinda. Please." Abraxas says, reaching up to caress my cheeks.
"Don't I mean anything to you?" I ask, still shaking my head.
"Of course you do. You mean everything to me. I love you, Lucinda." Abraxas tells me, "I love you."
"Then why are you being mean to me? It's true that I lose my concentration when I'm around you, but I didn't mean that you don't matter. You matter more to me than anyone I've ever met. I was upset, that crystal heart belonged to my mother. I don't have many things left that belonged to her. My father gave almost all of it away. After I accidently killed her." I say, sobbing.
"No, you didn't kill her." Abraxas says, trying to stop me from crying.
"But I did!" I exclaim. "I accidently used a Torture Curse on her. When I was younger. Two years before I went to B-Beauxbaton, and her heart was already weak, it had been weak since she gave birth to me. I killed her. It was my fault. All because I can use stupid dark spells and curses because I'm different than everyone else. I have strong magic that I can use without using a stupid wand, and I am a freak. I am a loser, and I am pathetic. My father hated me because of it. I shouldn't even be here. I shouldn't even have come." I yell.
"Lucinda." Abraxas says, pulling me in, wrapping his arms tightly around me. "It wasn't you're fault. You were what, only 9 when this happened? It's not your fault. You're not a freak, a loser, or pathetic. You're special, and I love you. I'm sorry I walked away from you. Please, forgive me. I'm heartless." He says, pulling back. "I'm sorry." He wipes at the tears on my cheeks.
"How can you not hate me? Knowing the truth, doesn't that make you think less of me?" I ask, still crying.
"No, it makes me think more of you. It's hard to tell the truth about something like that. I could never hate you for telling the truth, Lucinda. How you manage to keep that in you, to keep it inside of you for this long..." He stops. "Lucinda, you're really special. Not just for being different, but you're special to me. I love you, so much, even though we've only been friends for a few years. I know we're only 16 years old, and next year we'll be of age, but, I really, truly love you." Abraxas says.
"If you ask me to marry you, I will kick your ass, Abraxas." I playfully threaten, a giggle catching in my throat.
"I wont ask you to marry me yet, but maybe, someday? I mean, in a few years, or maybe 5-10 years... I would like to..." Abraxas trails off.
"I'll think about it." I say, truthfully, surprised at how this conversation has turned. "Sorry for being mean..." I trail off.
"Lucinda, sweety, don't be sorry. It's my fault for taking it the wrong way,and I should be careful when you're using magic. I don't want to permanently ruin anything that means so much to you. I just hope we can move on from this, though I know we'll neither forget it." Abraxas whispers to me.
"Thank you, Abraxas." I whisper back. "I would like to move on from it, but you're right. I wont forget it..." I trail off.
"I wouldn't expect you to." Abraxas whispers, honestly.
"And, about what you said..." I trail off. "I love you, too." My hands slide up his chest, and I wrap my arms around his neck. It had taken me a while to get used to the idea, but it's true. If I were to admit it to myself before, I'd have known that I do love him.
"You do?" He asks, surprised.
I nod,blinking a few times, and I lean forwards, kissing him with more passion that I ever had before, and his arms wraps around my waist, lifting me off of the floor. Suddenly, we're on my bed, my legs wrapped around his waist, and he is kissing me hungerily. Oh my god. We're not going to... Oh my god. I pull away slightly, and Abraxas pulls back.
"Sorry." He says, about to get up.
"Don't." I say, pulling him in close. "I like the feel of your body on mine, I just don't think I can... " I trail off. "God, I must be pathetic. If I were some other girl, they wouldn't think twice about having sex with you." I blush when I say that.
"Which is why I love you. You're not some other girl, you're my girl." He blushes as well. "If you're not ready to have sex, I'm not going to push you Lucinda. I love you. We can just...kiss for now." I nod, and kiss his lips gently, and he kisses me back, rolling on his side so that we're facing each other instead of laying body to body. Guys aren't even supposed to be in the girls dorm, much less in their rooms. If someone were to walk in, it wouldn't be good for them to see Abraxas laying on top of me. He nibbles my lower lip gently. In between kisses he whispers "I love you, Lucinda."
"I love you, Abraxas."I whisper back, then giggle. "I just realized that we haven't done much packing. We're going to miss the train if we don't hurry."
"We'll continue this at my house." He says, smiling. He kisses me once more before getting up, and neatly folding some clothes, putting them in my suitcase, and putting away some books and my extra wand, as well as of my jewelry, into my suitcases. He puts a picture of my parents into the photo album that I had left open on my desk. "You're parents looked like they really loved each other."
"They did." I say. "But I ripped the family apart. I mean, they loved me, but when I began copying them, doing spells, they never realized what that would mean. They were in love with the Dark Arts as much as they loved each other. They never realized it would be the Dark Arts that ripped them apart. That I would rip them apart." He hugs me gently.
"You didn't know better. You just really wanted to be just like your parents. You were a gifted child, and they should have had someone formally teaching you. If they had, then nothing bad would have happened." Abraxas tells me.
"They wanted to use me.. In a war that they knew was coming up fast. But they wanted me to be on the wrong side. The side of darkness. They couldn't let anyone else know what I can do. I haven't told any adult what I can do. Just you, Esmeralda and Tom. And none of you know everything I can do..." I trail off.
"We don't have to know. That's something that if you want to tell us, you will. For now, though, we need to get going..." He trails off, reaching for my suitcases, levitating them with his wand, and sending them to the train that is just now arriving, and sends a spell to have his suitcases sent to the train as well. He takes my hand in his, and leads us through the dorm to the corridor, and down the Great Staircase, then out the front door of the castle.
Boarding the train, I ask Abraxas if he minds if I sit with Esmeralda for a little bit. He shakes his head, smiling, and takes a seat next to Tom, and begins talking to him.
"Why aren't you sitting with my brother?" Esmeralda asks me.
"Your brother told me he loves me." I whisper, blushing.
"He did!" She exclaims in a hushed voice.
"And I told him that I love him back..." I trail off.
"Then?" She asks, grinning.
"We almost..."I trail off, blushing and glance over at Abraxas and Tom, then back at Esmeralda. "We were going to do it..." I whisper.
"Like do it as in sex...?" She asks, trailing off, whispers just like me.
I nod, blushing brighter. "But I told him I wasn't ready for that yet."
"Well good. You're only 16, girly. You have years before you have to make that decision." Esmeralda.
"Did I mention he was going to propose to me?" I ask, propping my feet up on the seat in front of me.
"Holy crap, he wasn't!" Esmeralda says, surprised. "He doesn't even have a ring for you yet, why would he want to propose?"
I blush again, even brighter. "He said he'd wait a few years, but said he wants to..." I trail off.
"If he were to ask next year or when school is over for us, would you say yes?" Esmeralda asks me.
"Honestly? I don't think I'd be ready yet." I tell her. "I don't want to hurt him, but I do want to wait a while, I feel as if I have nothing figured out yet."
"Well, don't decide now, wait a while. A long while, and I'll make sure my brother gets that you're not ready. Heck, he's definitely not ready." Esmeralda tells me.
"Yeah." I say, rubbing my arms.
"Actually, I need to talk to my brother. Our parents sent us an owl, saying that their having a party for New Years Eve, and we're all invited, but Abraxas and and I have to help plan it out. You and Tom are also welcome to help, but it's not required. Abraxas and I can surely take care of it if you just wanna chill." Esmeralda tells me.
"I might be able to help." I tell her, and she rushes over to her brother, while I close my eyes, leaning back against the seat. I hear a clearing of a throat, and open my eyes to see Tom.
"Mind if I sit?" He asks. I shake my head.
"Go ahead." I say, watching as he takes the seat beside me.
"Esmeralda is..excitable." Tom says, laughing.
"Yes. She really is." I say, looking down at my hands. After what happened with Abraxas, it's hard to sit here talking to the guy that also professed his love to me. It seems unfair to him.
"You alright?" he asks me, touching my arm, and I jump.
"Um, yeah. Sure." I say.
"No you're not. What's wrong, Luce?" Tom asks, still touching my arm.
"Abraxas told me he loves me." I murmur. "And I'm fairly stupid."
"You told him you love him, I'm guessing."Tom whispers to me. I nod. "Hey, it's alright. I told you I'm not going to force you to do anything. You can love who you want. Don't worry about it."
"But, the big problem was he was going to propose and we almost..." I trail off.
"You were going to have sex with him?" He demands, surprised.
"I didn't though. I'm definitely not ready for something like that." I whisper.
"Trust me, you don't want to do that yet." He whispers back.
"I wont." I tell him, glancing over at him.
His eyes hold mine, and there is sadness reflected in them. "I hope you wont."
"I really wont." I tell him, not looking away. "I just wish I wouldn't have had to tell you this. After you told me you love me... I know it hurts you for me to say it to someone else."
"Don't worry about me, Luce. I'm fine. I just don't want you to make a mistake when you're this young." He tells me. "You're not even of age yet."
"You will be soon." I murmur.
"But I'm a guy. It's different for girls. If you were to sex with him, you could get pregnant Lucinda. You don't want that, not when you haven't graduated, you haven't even figured out what and who you want to be in this life. You have years to think about this stuff." Tom whispers.
"I know." I tell him. "I know. You're right." My fingers reach forward, gripping his, and I notice how he looks even more surprised. "Thanks Tom." I say, letting go of him, and I look down at my fingers. Tom is right, of course.
The train ride is long but enjoyable back to platform 9 and 3/4. I sit beside Tom the whole time, barely relaxing, but happy to have him beside me.