"You what?" My father starts aggressively pacing the floor like a lion stalking it prey. I fell like i disappointed him. I was always daddy's little girl.
"It was a mistake. I didn't mean to. I was drunk and I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm sorry. "
"When did this happen? I can't recall you going out in the evening. Who is the father, do i know him?"
"It was three weeks ago at Sophie's party. Her parents weren't home. I was offered a drink and I took it but then I got addicted and continued to drink until i nearly blacked out. It was my first time. I know I shouldn't have been drinking at my age. You always told me not to. Jamie was drunk too he had come up to me and started passionately kissing me then he led me into the bedroom. my mind was clouded. it all happened so fast. Our hands were wandering over each other and then....."
I still remember that night as if it was yesterday. His warm breath on my neck, his hands undoing my bra strap. Then I could feel him pushing himself into me. It had felt so good. Suddenly, I snapped back into reality and I could see the anger but also fear in my dads eyes.
"You are 15. One, it is illegal to drink at your age and two it is illegal to have sex at your age. You should not have even gone to Sophie's if her parents were not home. Did I know about this party?"
"Yes, but you were not listening. You were too busy talking to your boss."
"Right. First thing I am going to say is that you cannot see Jamie until we sort this all out. Secondly, I will phone the surgery and book an appointment for you to see a doctor to confirm that you are not pregnant and if you are, you are to have an abortion. I will not have my child walking around the streets because she is pregnant at 15. People will tease you."
"No father. I love Jamie and it is not his fault. if you need anyone to blame, blame me. but i will not separate us again, not after last time. Even if you book an appointment, I will not go. This child growing inside me is mine and nothing or no one will take it away from me. I love it. I am sorry,father, that you are ashamed of me. If you do not accept the fact that I am pregnant, you will lose the only daughter you have. I wish mum was here." As i storm off to my room, slamming the doors with a piercing slam, I remember mother and the day she came home and told us she had been diagnosed with cancer.
There were times when I felt like the slowly disappearing in front of me . Or maybe it was just me who was fading away. Those moments didn't matter anyway. Because my empty burning lungs and my heart hitting my chest so hard I thought it would break my ribs and rip apart my skin wee the only thing I could think abut, and the void, the black hole in my head, deep inside my soul, slowly swallowing all my hopes and dreams. That was the worst of those moments, the realisation of the vacuum, the nothingness, the absurdity of my existence. Those times kept me awake at 5 a.m and made me wonder; what am I living for anyway?
Maybe for me. Maybe for others. Did it really matter? And when I couldn't find my answers on the ceiling, the anxiety turned into panic.
My world was ending. Mum was the only one who understood me.I was born an only child. I loved being an only child because I got all the attention and all the best presents ever. My favourite one was a bright blue skateboard I got for my seventh birthday. But the day after, when mum came home from the doctors, she explained to us that she had Osteosarcoma which is a cancer of the bones.
I did not know what it was, so just told me she was dying. She was 28 when she passed away. First, her hair started falling out and then she became ill just before her birthday and then she died overnight. I was meant to have a ballet exam that day but my head was all over the place. i became depressed and I refused to speak to anyone. not even my father. I cried for days after mum died. I started talking again at the age of 13 when i realised mum dying was not my fault. It was God's. So I stopped believing and got on with my life. I started becoming more active, got a boyfriend, started dancing. I was myself again, my wonderful, beautiful self.
I take my phone out of my pocket and scroll down.
JAMIE BAE CALL MESSAGE
As the phone rings, my hands tremble with fear. How is he going to react when i tell him that one, I am pregnant and two that my father found the test I took and he knows? What if he hates me? What i he dumps me?
"What's wrong?" Jamie was always protective, maybe even a little over protective of me. But he always understood.
"Can you meet me at our special place? I need to talk to you in person."
"Well, I'm a bit busy at the mo babe."
"Jamie, I'm pregnant." My body starts to relax and I felt a lot of relief telling him something that was haunting me since that night. Jamie was speechless. "Jamie. talk to me."
"I'm alright. I will see you there in five." Suddenly, a smile comes on my face. i thought it would be different, that he would be angry, but he wasn't.
"Okay. Love you."
"Love you too."
My heart starts to beat faster and faster as I grip the handrail with white knuckles. The old staircase moans with every slow step I take. I take a deep breath as I reach the final step and as my designer trainer touches the ground. My father could not find out that i was disobeying him. If he did, who knows what would happen? I open the door nervously with the consequences of my actions racing through my head.
I start to run. I continue running for what seems like longer than it should be taking to get to our special place and I figured it was because I wanted to see him, and quickly. As I reached the distinct old dead tree I realised that i should be able to see Jamie around the next corner. forcing my legs to push harder I kept my sprint, anticipating the relief of seeing him again. I ran around the corner in the path and came to an abrupt halt. my breathing hitched in my throat making my already screaming lungs just about to burst......
My eyes begin to flow with water. It is not controllable. My emotions have taken over my body. I couldn't be pregnant, could I? It was all coming back to me. It's my fault. I went to the party. i had sex with Jamie and now it is as if God is punishing me. My punishment being the fact that i am pregnant. i run into Jamie's arms and breathe in. I am safe now.
"Hey, hey. Look at me. Everything will be fine."
"Just hold me." I whisper.
"Is it mine?" He asks. I nod. I wish I could see what is going on inside that crazy head of his. What is he thinking about?
"Sorry. That was a stupid question. Of course it's mine. I'm just shocked. that's all. Look, I will be here and I won't leave you alone. If you choose to keep it, have an abortion or give it up for adoption, I am with you every step of the way. We are all in this together. But right now, i just need some time to think things over."
"It's okay. See you again?"
"Always." He whispers.
"Always." I whisper back.