Shatner's eyes started to open to see a familiar scenery. He leaned upwards then went through his hair which surprisingly didn't fall off. His hands paused. Wait. This felt like he had a scalp complete with hair. He lowered his hand down making googly eyes and felt around his hair. HIS HAIR. Shatner briefly froze processing his train of thoughts. Shatner lowered his hand down to his side then looked over to see on a nearby table was his toupee.
"What the hell?"
Shatner heard the door slide open, in came a look alike of Majel Barrett in a nurse outfit alongside good old Doctor McCoy.
"And this is William Shatner," McCoy added. "We are goin' to send him right back after we use him for a little trick of our own against the Klingons."
"But the captain's hair is blonde, doctor," Chapel said. "Not brown."
"His hair is brown." Shatner said.
"No, it isn't." McCoy said.
"Yes, it is. The lightning on set makes it look different." Shatner argued back.
"And I suppose the lights make the green shirt look golden." McCoy said.
"Yes, and you have unlawfully abducted me." Shatner said.
"I will get the colorizer." Nurse Chapel said.
Then McCoy did the bounce characterized by tipping forward and rolling on the balls of his toes.
"Thank you, Nurse Chapel." McCoy said, as the nurse left the room. "What do your friends call you?"
Shatner went silent.
"Come on," McCoy said, coming to the side. "Don't tell me that your Earth is more like Vulcan than it is like our planet before the Eugenic wars."
Shatner had a laugh.
"No," Shatner said, wiping a tear. "I don't have friends."
McCoy blinked, looking perplexed and off gaurd, raising his eyebrows.
"That is quite unusual for a man your age," McCoy said. "A man like you would have a inner circle by now. A rather large one."
"I am an actor." Shatner said.
"A Thespian." McCoy said.
"Yes." Shatner said, with a nod.
"You mean to tell me that on your planet not many actors make friends because they are intendin' to make a quick 'buck' and never see each other again includin' you of all people?" McCoy said. "You know fate has a funny way of unitin' a crew together. I have seen that a couple times in my lifetime." He sat on the edge of a nearby biobed. "We need you to play the role of Jim, and we will return you to your proper destination with no arguments or buts about it. Personally, you are a stranger but for some reason Spock thinks otherwise. You should know Spock and Jim were married. They had a bond. The Vulcan marriage bond and I am helpin' Spock over that loss but I think you bein' here will help him move on."
"Jim. . is. . . gay?" Shatner said, surely surprised.
"Bisexual." McCoy corrected Shatner.
"What . . . is . . bisexual?" Shatner asked.
"He likes both genders. In fact so do I." McCoy said.
"Then how do I know the producers planned for you to have a daughter named Joanna for the episode set on the planet with Sex Pollen?" Shatner asked.
"I do have one. She is a nurse with some doctors on a far off colony near a star base," Shatner gave McCoy a double take with raised eyebrows. "Jocelyn and I don't talk normally since the divorce."
"A divorce?" Shatner asked.
"'Fraid so." McCoy said.
"That is. . . bold." Shatner said,
"Nothin' bold about gettin' out of the worst relationship in the sake of relationships." McCoy said, dryly.
"Not many networks have shows with characters who are divorced." Shatner said.
A look of understanding grew on the doctor's face that was a mix of 'you are pulling my leg' followed a shake of the man's head. A look of 'what the hell?' appeared on the doctor's face.
"Ah, so not only are people in the closet but divorce is taboo to talk about." McCoy said.
"Pretty much," Shatner said. Nurse Chapel came back with a rounded bowl device with rounded circular edges. "So tell me, how did they kill the biggest ham in the galaxy?" He raised an eyebrow at the doctor, curiously. "James T. Kirk doesn't just die without making a scene."
"That you are right . . ." McCoy said, as his face softened fondly.
The colorizer was put on Shatner's head as he listened to the story that McCoy began to tell.
The bridge was silent. They had been ordered directly from Sick Bay to follow after that Klingon starship and establish contact once close enough enough they could 'Smell their hair locks' which was taken as a joke among the crew. Uhura had only known that something had happened to the captain and they just got him back. Scotty was one of the bridge crew to know the truth. Chekov knew what Uhura knew and as did most of the crew. Twenty-four hours went by.
"Enterprise to Force," Uhura hailed the ship. "Come in, Force."
A Klingon reply returned which was rude and gloating, "Come to hither and complain the loss of your captain?"
"Negative," Uhura said. "Captain Kirk will be on the bridge and insists on speaking with you."
"How can he when he is dead?" The Klingon replied.
Shatner came out of the turbo lift followed in apposite captain attire with Spock alongside him
"Captain Stehart is waiting for you captain." Uhura said.
"On screen, Miss Uhura." Shatner said, sitting down into the captain's chair.
On the screen appeared the Klingon with a forehead crest. So they were not kidding regarding Klingons having forehead crests, Shatner thought, speaking of which . . . Our Klingons were very cheap. He saw the Klingon's first officer lacking a forehead crest standing beside the Klingon Captain. He could see the red inside. There being a captain's chair in the Bird-Of-Prey. The atmosphere of the bridge was acceptance, friendly, and right where he belonged. Damn did it feel good to be here.
"Kirk," Stehart said. "I killed you!"
Shatner half wanted to laugh and curl up into a ball but that is not what Captain James T. Kirk would do.
"I have been treated by the best doctor in the galaxy, captain," Shatner said. "You tricked me."
"I did not." Stehart said.
"We were shaking hands on a negotiation," Shatner said, then he added rather darkly. "You are a Klingon not a Ferengi."
"Do not mention them!" Stehart demanded.
"You injected me with poison that made my blood boil, my face become covered in dead skin, warts, and become not human," Shatner stood up. "I am only lucky that my first officer was able to concoct a cure to save my livelihood. I could feel the pinch in my forehand from the device attached to the palm of your hands." Shatner stepped forward. "You cheated."
"L--li---Liar!" Stehart said.
"I. Do. Not." Shatner said.
Spock came to the side of the chair
"I believe this is the part where you lose credibility." Spock said.
The Klingon first officer was glaring at Stehart.
"When you said you would avenge him not in the Klingon way I did not think you would do it in this way,Commander Spock," Stehart said. "Well played."
"Kirk out." Shatner said.
The screen turned to black.
"Captain," Sulu said. "Are going to our next mission?"
Shatner looked over in the direction of Spock.
"Mr Spock," Shatner said. "What do you think?"
"I see no logical reason not to." Spock said.
Shatner smiled, delighted even, then turned his head in the direction of the view screen.
"Mr Sulu," Shatner said. "Take us there."