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10. The Unquiet Dead- Aldrin

Story #9

Title: The Unquiet Dead

Author: Aldrin

Chapters: Adamant Council- Avow In Life (I)

*sits down at the computer after a massive headache and hours of lazing around* that’s the last time I’m ever drinking vodka.

Whoa! First off, kudos to your world-building skills. After reading the six chapters, I was quite amazed. It seems that you have built quite the fine fantasy setting for the plot, which, as far as I understand, is some kind of a war to re-glorify the kingdom that you’ve shown here. Now, let’s see how you fare in the basic aspects of storytelling.

1. Narrative: Your omniscient third-person narrative is one that I haven’t come across in a while, a people usually prefer first person continuous or third person past for it. It quite frankly reminds me of the time when I was reading Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Good job on maintaining an anonymity of the narrator. This is one that I actually like, as it offers a wider range of prospects to be taken into consideration, a wider view and a number of characters through which the story can be told.

2. Descriptions: While the vocabulary and figures of speech that you use are quite impressive, I personally felt that you stuffed a hell lot of descriptions at places. Take the first chapter into consideration. You enter, and you’re drowned by a flood of depictions, which, mind you, isn’t bad in itself, so long as you remember to supplement them with appropriate dialogue, which of course, you’ve done a lot better in the later chapters. So yeah, just go a little light on those, buddy.

3. Dialogue: Excellent. The older form of English that you use, while not ripping off the archaic one, is pretty amazing. Also, how did you come up with that new language in the fourth chapter? Is it an existing one, or perhaps from a game or something? I really liked that subtle touch. It gave this story a more authentic feel.

4. Characters: I kind of feel unable to follow the train of thought of the characters, seeing as there is no established narrative medium to relate through, maybe except the Prophet, but the cryptic nature of his speaking sort of leaves you wondering about what the character’s personal reactions are. Not the ones that they show, but what are their thoughts?

5. Punctuation: Pretty much accurate and appropriately used. No suggestions here.

6. Plot: An intriguing plot that I believe is in it’s infancy as of this review. The story starts off with a good tempo, and the reader gets pulled in despite the lack of an established system of existentialism into the story, but it is interesting nevertheless.

Overall, I’d really like to see where this story goes. I- oh, excuse me for a moment. *vomits alcohol* Ugh, I’m stupid, thinking that having vodka was a good idea. 

Anyways, best of luck!


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