Title: The Boys Next Door
Chapters: Leaving Home – Girls Night
*Finishes reading the story, and chugs a can of soda* Alright, let’s do this before I go for a workout.
So, I read up till chapter eighteen, which took me a couple minutes, but I have to say, the story seemed kind of tasteless. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good read, it’s just that your story appears to be a bit cringy and flat in terms of character build-up and any actual plot. Let me elaborate on that in the following aspects of storytelling and see how you fare in them.
1. Narrative: Multiple point of views through first person narrative…that too, present tense…oh, boy. Maybe it’s because first person continuous is my pet peeve, but I really frown upon usage of this narrative voice, because of the huge amounts of qualms that rise up in stories should an author fail to handle it with perfection, and you too have fallen into the same pitfall that many others have. In a lot of places, you have added Author Notes in brackets, for example, when you use the term plastics, you add a small note telling its origins, which is a very immature thing for an author to do. The narrative switching makes no sense in some areas, and the characters are indistinguishable, but more on that below.
2. Descriptions: Bland. When you read a story, you expect it to be full of vivid illustrations of characters, settings, the whole nine yards. While I could spot a marginal part of that here and there, the chapters seemed to be lacking in any sort of descriptive and poetic prowess. The fact that you left the character descriptions so vague doesn’t help, either. Sure, you supplied the appropriate actors for us to co-relate the imaging to, but that defeats the entire purpose of writing in itself, and I find that to be a weak excuse for being lazy, to be honest. Don’t take my words as being harsh, but as an author, I feel it is my duty to tell you that you need to hone your descriptive tone a lot.
3. Dialogue: While the other aspects seemed kind of weak, your dialogues are still in pretty good shape, with a witty remark here and there. It could do with a bit of tweaking here and there.
4. Characters: Ah, what do I say at this point? Your characters, and I’m not kidding, if interchanged, won’t be distinguishable from another. When you read a story, you wish to meet with an interesting character, different from the others, with his or her own unique flaws and qualities. Most of the characters in this story seem to be re-iterations of themselves, with a minor tweaks here and there. You spend a very small time focusing on their motives in life, their desires and likes, their struggles, and more on lolly-gagging with the golden jocks and just partying. Please work on that.
5. Punctuation: Seems to be in order. Good work.
6. Plot: When I first started reading, I actually hoped it would be different than most chick-flick dream-boy romances, but the third chapter (second, to be fair. The first one is just a list) introduces the same old concept of shy, quite girls who meet these shiny boys that everyone considers bad and are annoyingly handsome and have ‘plastics’ chasing them. If I were to look up the Movellas archives, I could find at least a hundred similar stories, which ruins the fun of reading this story. Please, try and have some ulterior goal to this story.
Not going to go easy on you here, I was disappointed by the story, but should you chose to act on my advice and work towards bettering it, you just might create something wonderful.
Hope you didn’t find my words too harsh. All the best.