Chapters: Introduction- Get Over It
*Starts drinking up a big mug of coffee*
Alright, it’s time for me to start reading your-
“My introduction is a little bit shit” – Okay……
Now, jokes aside, that’s a very, how do I put this, amateurish way to begin a story, as it seems to give of a vibe of uncertainty and almost appears as if you’ve started making excuses for something that the reader hasn’t even had the chance of reading, so if I were you, I’d remove that little author’s note in the beginning.
Now, moving on to the main story. Let’s see how fare in the basic aspects of storytelling:
1. Narrative Competence: I quite like your narrative style. Mercy’s point of view offers an in-depth perception of the story, her train of thoughts is easy to follow and to relate to, and you rarely miss out on details, painting quite the vivid picture, so props to you for that one.
2. Descriptions: Another aspect that you seem to be particularly gifted with, although there are fluctuations, descriptions of the camp, the emotions, the lake, facial expressions and looks all seem to be in good order.
3. Dialogue: Your dialogues seem to be well constructed, and well, yeah, mostly in good relation with the mood of the scene. (I’m not getting much to criticize, since it all seems well in order. You’re killing me here!) However, there are places where the chapters are dragged on a bit more than one could appreciate because of extensive dialogue, so maybe you could work on that?
4. Characters: Mercy is quite the relatable character. Her unwillingness to socialize is something that I have in common with her. What I like the most about the story is that you’ve managed to retain their initial personality intact, because out of the several romance stories that I’ve read, somehow, after meeting the male protagonist, the female one undergoes a big change. Usually shy and silent, they suddenly turn rash, bold and bossy. But you didn’t do that. At least, not to any major degree, and I like that, since most people don’t realize that for a person to change that drastically, it takes a LOT of things to happen, and just falling in love with a starry-eyed teenage eye-candy isn’t enough to alter your life. So hats off. Thomas, though, feels kind of clichéd, to be honest. A nice, good looking, sweet guy with a troubled past who slowly falls in love with the girl after a fateful encounter…I don’t know. Seems too unrealistic to me.
5. Punctuation: More or less good. It was a bit off in some places, but nothing to worry about.
6. Plot: I don’t know where to stand on the originality aspect. While the whole ‘camp’ thing seems kind of new, the basic concept- ‘Girl goes to X-place, meets new female friend and an unrealistic boy who develops a liking for her and then shenanigans pursue’ – Is one that I’ve seen a lot. I’ll give you points for not rushing the relationship, though, as many other stories do *glares at 95% of bandfictions on Movellas.* They could certainly learn a thing or two about taking it slow. The story seems kind of like a slice-of-life thing, and I like it.
Overall: This is an interesting story, and if done right, could develop into a beautiful romance. Best of luck!
P.S: The mother is a bitch. Just saying.