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5. Forever Young- Le Fox

Story #4

Title: Forever Young

Author: Le Fox

Chapters: 1-19

*cracks knuckles*

Now that I’ve read your story, I’m wondering why the heck I didn’t do so before. The concept of a mere human becoming an immortal, only to still be susceptible to being knocked half-dead for decades and centuries is quite fresh. The start is excellent. “Men are eternal idiots; women are eternal bitches” Man, someone should display that on a billboard.

I quite like the narrative voice of first person, although you sometimes tend to slip between past and present tenses, in quite a few places actually between the tenth and thirteenth chapter (or maybe I’m just remembering wrong. It would pay off to rectify any mistakes that you find.)

I also really fancy Keda’s character. She seems unhinged, chaotic and resourceful (just the way I like my villains.) The funny thing is, even Darla seems to be in more of a chaotic standpoint, even if she’s a protagonist. Her jovial approach to the death of mortals and immortals, and her manipulative nature makes her an even more interesting entity to follow around and relate with.

I tried my best, but there wasn’t much that I could find wrong with the dialogue or descriptive undertones. I guess the only thing that you can improve upon is that sometimes, you fail to strike a balance between dialogue and descriptions. As in, some chapters (like the eleventh) are all anecdotes and dialogue with minimal environmental involvement. While most people won’t find that odd, I have to say that it seems to drag on a bit. Maybe it’s because you’ve established the surroundings earlier, but it doesn’t help.

Sometimes, the chapters get a little confusing regarding what’s going on, and so you have to look back and figure out what the doohickey happened. I hope you just look into that little bit.

Overall: Great story with little to criticize. I’m looking forward to reading the twentieth chapter. 

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