Chapter: Cells- Sound and Silence
*Hurriedly starts up computer* Holy crap, the Wi-Fi is back up! On to work!
So, before I read this, I had a look at the genre. When I saw it was Horror and Thriller, I was excited! The concept, however is too similar to The Maze Runner. A young teenager is forcefully taken from their homes, forced into a secret observatory for government testing of skill, and the protagonist is forced to comply without having a shred of a clue as to what is going on. Sounds familiar?
Anyhow, let’s get into how you fare at the basic aspects of storytelling.
1. Narrative: First-person present continuous….I have to be honest, this is a pet peeve of mine. You manage to do a sufficiently good narrative voice in this format, but I’ve got to say, if you’d ask me, I would recommend that you switch your narrative to either first person past tense, or perhaps third-person. Sometimes, I feel that even in your first person narrative, you fail to lay sufficient emphasis on the thoughts of the MC.
2. Descriptions: Your descriptions seem to be your strong suit. Where thoughts failed me, I could still recreate the surroundings in my mind using your descriptions. Good job!
3. Dialogue: Some of your dialogue is good, but it seems that you haven’t clearly planned out the meaningful conversations, as they seem to just run-off, and kind of impersonal. I would suggest you lay emphasis on usage of appropriate pauses and breaks to ensure your dialogue doesn’t appear to be akin to a speech.
4. Characters: Clara seems to be a good character with a lot of potential. I quite like her more observant approach to things, rather than the more rash behavior that one would expect from these sort of stories, but I would like to see her development unfold along with the story.
5. Punctuation: Seems to be okay in most of the places except for the dialogues, which could use a bit more of commas and semi-colons.
6. Plot: As I said earlier, this is too reminiscent of The Maze Runner, and since not a lot many chapters have been posted as of now, it has the potential to develop into something good, provided you don’t fall into the pit of modern YA-fiction where someone do-goody teenager is taken away from their homes (forcibly or not) to save the society as they know it.
Overall, this is definitely interesting, and I wish you all the very best with the story!