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4. Broken Hope- AThousandMidnightTheories and 5SOS_Draco

Story Review #3

Title: Broken Hope

Author: AThousandMidnightTheories and 5S0S_Draco

Chapters: 1-11

 

Let’s begin:

So, before I start, I want you to know that I polished off this story in twenty flat minutes, and if something catches my attention that quick, it usually means it’s good.

Now, more about the story itself. There are a lot of pluses, but then, the pros don’t come without the cons. Let’s have a look at the positives first. Your descriptions in the first chapter are really good (read as: excellent). This unique and endearing ability that Hope has- Oh wait. Before I proceed, I’ve got to say that I love the name. Really! Now, as I was saying, the ability is quite intriguing. I’ve certainly never heard of it before, but yeah. The dialogue I would say could use a little fine tuning (from the third chapter onward), but it’s still feasible.

I also appreciate the first person-present tense narrative similar to the likes of Hunger Games, as it allows a larger chance for surprises and revelations. As for the character personalities, I’ve got to go with Izzy as the favorite character, because she’s too awesome. Peter seems nice too, but he’s….unrelatable. He seems to look perfect, talks too goody-goody and is insanely rich, in a sort of a bizarre amalgamation between Christian Grey, Edward Cullen and Augustus Waters. Sorry, but I think you goofed up on this one.
 

Now, even though I said I liked the story, there are flaws. (Not counting the ones above because…well, free pass, I guess, as Izzy is too awesome.) First up, you spend three chapters carving in Hope’s resolution to be in solitude, only to shatter it, just like that. Maybe it’s just me, but looking at how quickly she caves in for Peter, it sort of reminds me of the blunder from Twilight. (Although, you told a better love story in eleven chapters than Twilight did in four books). There’s a lack of any major plot devices that substantiate or justify as to why Hope fell head over heels in love with Peter. That can be dangerous, so I suggest you delve deeper into that aspect. Also, your descriptions (and I’m sorry to say) start turning tardy after the sixth chapter. It’s as if after the kiss in the coffee shop, Hope develops an entirely different character. She used to be shy, drawn-in and stone-cold. By the time I was on the eleventh chapter, she was too different. I understand that love can change a person, but to that degree in such a short time?

Somehow, I don’t seem to find that acceptable. Therefore, my recommendations are:

1. Brush up a little on the dialogue and descriptions.

2. Add a few more chapter between the fourth and the sixth, to somehow slowly build up on the relationship between the protagonists.

3. If you’d like, have a go at Eleanor and Park. It’s a fantastic novel, if I do say so myself. You’ll get a lot of pointers as to how to build up a romance.

4. Take it slow. Chapters seven to nine speed up way too much.

I hope you found this review useful.

-KuraiSenshi

P.S: If I appear to be a jerk, forgive me, and do let me know, since I have a tendency to become that way.

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