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14. Air- M.F Park

Story #13

Title: Air

Author: M.F Park

Chapter(s): The Beginning (Again, sorry! Studies are eating into my study time like damn termites)

*Looks at long list of stories waiting to be reviewed* Oy, vey!

Well, this is interesting. Right off the bat, you begin with “They tried to kill us again.” That’s one way to go about beginning a story, I guess. The general outlook of the story seemed appealing, yet it somehow feels…impersonal, I should say? You know, when you write a story and your passion for it shows? This one seemed to be a bit lacking in that aspect, or at least, in terms of chapter one. I would probably get around to reading the entire thing later on, but for now, let’s see how you fare in the basic aspects of story-telling.

1. Narrative: I feel that your first person narrative seems a bit rushed. While the execution itself is good, I feel that it somehow lacks a sense of being grounded. Thoughts are too cluttered and descriptions are a bit too blunt.

2 Descriptions: As I said above, the descriptions seemed to be pretty scanty here. I would appreciate it if you were to work on that.

3. Dialogue: This chapter doesn’t have a lot of dialogue, so I’ll make it a point to come back to this review in the future when I’ve read all the chapters.

4. Characters: Your protagonist seems to be quite alert. She has a nice, humor tinged tone to her character (and often, fourth wall breaking). I’d surely like to know her name, for one thing. The other guy, Jake, seems to be a little lacking in character diversity, fitting the archetypical blueprint of the perfect iteration of teenage girl crushes, but I’m going to follow his development closely.

5. Punctuation: Seems to be in order. Good job!

6. Plot: The concept seems to be interesting, no doubt about it. But it is too vague for anyone to even relate to it. You’re not very clear about how this evil group of psycho-maniacs have affected other aspects of society. What is the government doing about it? What do the people do? Honestly, even the protagonist’s approach seems a bit too casual towards them, making them seem like pushovers. I’d like for you to put some effort into that bit.

Overall, interesting story. I will definitely be reading more once I manage to figure out a more beneficial schedule.

-KuraiSenshi

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