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16. A Witch Tale- Mystique Iris

Story #15

Title: A Witch Tale

Author: -_-

Chapters: Introduction- Skipping to Love

*Grabs a sandwich after working out* Jeez, that was intense.

At a first glance, the story seems to be well-thought out, with a good introduction, but to me, it seems you fell short quickly. It took me around three minutes to run through the story as of now, and I have to say, the sequence of events strikes me as illogical and a result of ad lib development of ideas, all cluttered into a bit of a mess. But for now, let’s look at how you fare at the basic aspects of storytelling.

1. Narrative: Messy. If I were to describe it in one word, messy. The kind of narrative you use is not only flickering in terms of continuity and constituency, but also leaves the reader a bit confused about the angle from which he is to view the story. Is it happening in the past or is going to take place in future? Please work on that.

2. Descriptions: Again, your descriptive tone has been thoroughly skewered by your narrative tone. While chapter one has a good amount of…well, descriptions, the rest of the four are quite empty and plain, to be frank with you. I would appreciate it if you were to work on it.

3. Dialogue: Nothing for me to criticize on, actually, since you went ahead and head ONE relevant conversation in five chapters, the other being a simple exchange of greetings. I would try and add more interactions.

4. Characters: Microsoft…oh, I meant Mycroft, is an interesting character. She could’ve been even more interesting, but by chapter four, you chuck the fun things about her out of the window. She was a witch, from long line of witches, and yet, when she meets a cute boy, her panties come off (not literally), and boom. One suddenly-not-a-witch at your service. I would suggest planning the course of action out a bit more carefully.

5. Punctuation: Seems appropriate. No qualms here.

6. Plot: At first, I was intrigued, as the story seemed to have potential, but now it seems more and more enigmatic and cluttered, as if this universe did a complete 360o turn. I can’t find myself pulled into the story.

Overall, a good attempt, and this one can certainly be a wonderful story if done right.

-KuraiSenshi

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