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3. A Swirl In Reality- Ninja in Training

Story Review #2

Title: A Swirl in Reality

Author: #Vampire in Training

Chapters: 1-2


Here we go:

A bit unimpressive and amateurish on first sight, I have to say. The chapters are too small. Like, two chapters of just three hundred words? There’s not a lot that I have to review, but what I have, I’ll try to help you out.

The dialogue needs a lot of brushing up, but then again, there’s not much to go on. The pacing is too fast, so I would suggest that you tone it down a bit. There are absolutely no descriptions, maybe except one or two here or there.

As for the protagonist, let me ask you a question. Would you find yourself laughing afterwards if your mother was killed in front of your eyes? I know you’re trying to create an amiable relation between the two characters, but is it realistic for someone to get over a death so fast, let alone one of your beloved ones? And there isn’t the tense atmosphere that one would expect from a story in which the first thing being done is murder. It’s too light, as if death is akin to someone slipping and falling.

This has potential, but the potential alone will not take you far. I wish you the best with this story.


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