Life.

The girl with Bipolar, depression, anxiety and failed relationships. All true, this is my life. Past, present and future.

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1. Life.

Trigger warning. If you will or could be affected by hearing about depression, and talks of suicide, please, PLEASE don't read.

Life.

I remember the first time I knew I had depression. I was 14.

I had been sad and upset for weeks, maybe even months. I didn't want to go to school, matter of fact I hated school. I hated the people there, what happened there, and it just in general. I had slowly over time reduced my meals from three + snacks down to just dinner.

I was moody and cranky at everyone and everything. I would cry for no reason, the littlest thing would upset me. 

My family got the worst of it. Especially my mum. I would start fights with her for no reason, (Now I know it was to get her attention.) I would get so angry that I could literally feel the blood in my veins boil. Jealousy was the next thing, it was directed at my sister.

Jealous and angry at myself that I wasn't a size 14 like she was, jealous that she could make friends with a single word. To me she was everything I wanted to be. I used to think that God, or life was playing a joke at me.

To stick me with a family that was nice and beautiful, to be placed next to my gorgeous younger sister. With her bright and beautiful face and soul and personality. Why would they do that? Why couldn't I be what she was?

From then on things just got worse, I had Insomnia, (Didn't know at the time.) Would be awake for more than a day, get a couple hours sleep, then would start all over again. It was going on for a while. Then because I was so tired all the time, my thoughts took a dark turn. I used to think that I hated my life. To think mine was cruel and unkind. I didn't want to be in it anymore. 

At the time I was loosing my family and friends.

I was 14 so I was developed enough to be aware something was wrong. One night while I was hiding out in my room, away from the rest of the world I had Google'd the word depression, it came up with so many answers I was lost. One thing that stuck out to me was a page describing symptoms of depression. 

After clicking on it I read it all, there was something like 10 different symptoms and I pretty much had everything. After reading it, I diagnosed myself with depression. I spent a few weeks sitting on the information, trying to build myself up, to get the courage to tell my family.

There were times I got so close to telling my mum what I was feeling and what was happening, but I just couldn't. I worried that for some stupid reason I would get into trouble.

So after asking my mum if I could stay the night at my nans, I went there. I remember sitting on her bed, nervous and slightly scared about telling her every thing. After taking a deep breath, I had asked if anyone in our family had ever had depression.

The answer was yes, both my great-grandmothers sister and my nan had it, as well as my mum.

After talking with my nan about it, asking questions what should someone do if they had? Was it bad to have? My nan told me the best thing was to be truthful and tell someone if they had it.

So that what I did, I told her how I felt. How long it was going on for, what had caused it, and all the crap that had been happening at school. Obviously my nan was shocked. She had been upset and sad by what I had confessed.

But at the end of it, she told me she was proud of me for telling her, even if I didn't have the courage to tell my mum, at least I had told her.

I was still scared to tell my parents, so I asked my nan if she could tell them. And she did when I was not around. I know it was a lot for my mum to take in. She was crying when I had seen her again. 

She was slightly hurt that I was scared to tell her, but she told me she was happy that I could go to my nan and tell her.

My mum was upset for a lot of days after that. My dad was also visibly upset, he is one of those men who don't show a lot emotion, so just gave me a long hug. My sister was a ball of tears when she was told. I felt bad for making them all upset, but it had to be done. To help me get better.

After everything had calmed down, my mum had been looking at psychologists around where we lived. I was still a bit reluctant to want to see one. Even though I told them something was wrong, in my head sometimes I still told myself that I was fine.

After finally agreeing to see someone to help me, it happened. I met with this really nice lady called Lisa. She was really kind and wonderful. I had my mum sit beside me when I spoke about everything. It took a few times seeing her but, I had started to talk about how it all started. My mum was shocked and upset that I had never told her about almost any of it.

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Whether mild, moderate or severe, Depression is not something you should try to handle on your own.   -Vox

If any of this has upset you, I'm sorry but I would like for you to know what I've been through, and that you can overcome anything with a bit of help. If anyone would like to talk to me about anything, feel free to contact me.

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