I used to be a normal girl. Laughs. Well normal enough… I had depression and anxiety. But, now a day, who doesn’t. It actually had gotten better, the depression I mean. I was finally off my meds and starting my first year of university. I was going to major in English, it was the subject that would lead me to becoming a teacher. I was happy for the first time in my life, I was dating an amazing guy, going to school with my best friend. The girls on my floor were amazing and I loved my classes. I got a job too. But not even a day after getting my job my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was never true, his love for me. And that the past nine months were a mistake; how do you say that after two days earlier you talk about getting married to me one day? It kind of set me off my game, but that best friend I mentioned earlier, he snapped something in my mind that made me realize its not worth being upset about. So I forgot about being upset and I got over it pretty fast. Not an unhealthy fast I would say, but I was okay, and happy in a way I never was before while dating guy after guy. I was finally becoming independent.
A month rolls by and friendships were faltering, the girls on my floor seemed to ignore me and I felt pretty bummed out. So I took to online dating. Not just to find a new guy to replace a hole in my heart, because there were no more holes to fill. I just wanted friends. Someone new hang out with outside of school. Then I met this guy, he was funny and wasn’t interested in dating either, just wanted someone to hang out with. So, I decided to meet him. We got along great, he was such a gentleman and we just watched a movie and played video games all evening.
The next day my life changed. I was in the middle of writing a paper when this guy messaged me. He said he was French from Québec and just moved to nearby. He had no friends and didn’t speak much English. So I decided to meet up with him that evening for coffee, I was free and all so why not? A few hours later I head out to meet this guy. I took the train to where he would pick me up and got in his car upon arrival. The first clue should have been during the day when I had a bad feeling about going. The second clue when he said he forgot his wallet and had to go home to grab it. Third clue… when he invited me inside to get out of the minus 20-degree weather. But, I blame it on how dumb and naïve I am when it comes to people. I have this dumb thought that everyone is nice and wouldn’t do anything to harm another person, that everyone has a choice and that they will make the good choice. But he didn’t make that choice, he erased those naïve thoughts and now I’m left with a dull look upon the world.
If you have not figured it out yet, he raped me. And as I write this to you I have to take a deep breath and remember that it actually happened on November 29th 2015. Because it’s true, it happened and it broke me. He pulled me down to his room, took off my pants and panties then hurt me. He choked me and I struggled to breathe and break free. Then he put his hand on my chest to hold me there. He was a large guy, very strong as well. I will never forget his face with his long hair and blue eyes. Which used to be my favorite color for eyes, now it reminds me of him. And I have marks on my neck as well; they don’t seem to want to leave even six months later. He stopped when his parents got home. He was only twenty… Two years older than me. He got mad and told me to get dressed. So I did. I zipped up m jacket that had been removed by the monster and put my hood up. I ran upstairs and out the door trying to figure out how I would get home when I was hour away from my school. He ran out after me and said to get in the car. I was scared so I did. He drove me back to the station thankfully. You know what was the most messed up part of all this? He kept asking me if I was okay. Then he’d say if I wanted to have some more fun to text him again. When dropped me off…. He told me in English, “You were good.”
I ran to the train bawling my eyes out. Knowing I could tell no one or I would be judged. But what was the worst thought going through my head? How will I ever be loved ever again? I was dirty, unworthy and completely undesirable now, I truly hated myself. But you know what. I did tell someone then he convinced me to tell my mom and my RA. I went to the hospital the next day and called my dad. He rushed to come pick me up. We talked to the freshman advisor who said to go home and take all the time I needed.
So I did. I went to my dads for two weeks and told my sisters then went to my moms for two more weeks plus Christmas. Then back to my dads for a week. I decided to return to school and do my exams. So I did, and a month later dropped out. My anxiety was so bad that I could not even sit down to write a paper. So I left and moved to my moms. I now live in my old town with my mom, step dad and two amazing stepsisters…
This is where my story continues.