Playlist To a Broken Heart

Just some trashy songs to go along with my trashy life

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27. 'your love lifts me up when I'm down'

What is wrong with me? I can't have an argument with anyone without ending the friendship. I'm shutting myself out and when I'm excluded for being so distant and closed up, I shut myself out even more. Maybe it's a safety thing, but I'm just causing myself more pain. Do I want to be alone forever? Why the fuck did I stop messaging that guy, I couldn't just say, "Let's just be friends, I can't do the whole relationship thing" I had to have a hissy fit ending with "fucking leave me alone". I was angry and I was crying and I should have just calmed myself down and said I would talk to him another time. None of that matters anyway, I'm only saying this because my friend saw him on a date with his ex and I'm so gutted. And what do I do when I'm gutted? I read our messages. You were active today and I almost said hey, but I stopped myself because I have no good reason to be messaging you and nothing good ever comes from it anyway and it's just bad in general. I need to talk to someone.

 

Can't talk to my parents. They don't listen to me. They had an argument tonight and I was mentioned. "she always takes your side" said my mum. Much rather, I prefer them not to argue in front of me so I join the screaming competition. She can say that I'm ganging up on her all she likes but the reality is that I'm trying to get her to lower her voice and take a pause so someone else can speak instead of rising above everyone with this unearthly screech that makes me scream in response. Maybe she should stop before I decided to unleash every thought left unsaid, I'm sure she'd really love that. To know that my first thought after hearing "I thought I was losing her" was, you've already lost me. She thinks that everything is good because I talk to her about books and throw in some gossip but she doesn't know how suffocating everything is. I don't feel like I'm me. I feel disconnected in a way because I don't want to be here, I'm struggling. But overtime i try and reach out to her she says, "It's your hormones" or "You're overreacting" no I can't find the words to say I need help and I don't want it from you. I can't have her hovering over me the way she does my sister, it would be so much worse, so intoxicating I would scream and thrash out. 

 

I guess at least, you don't have to deal with this. Not that I would expect you to. I'm so sorry I ever put myself out there. Don't worry it won't happen again

 

Helium- Sia

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