Playlist To a Broken Heart

Just some trashy songs to go along with my trashy life

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23. 'you weren't worth the wait'

I know why I think about you so much. It's because, who else am I going to think about? The fact that I'm once again losing all of my closest friends or that I can't make close friends again because I shut myself out or that I might really fucking depressed but I'm glossing over it because that's not important right now?

I already lost you, the pain is still there but you're gone. If I think about losing my friends then that pain, it's so much worse. You are the lesser of two evils. Honestly it really fucking sucks because I just want to cry and sit alone and not even make an effort with anyone obviously because I just want to hurt myself more and more. I need something meaningless because everything means so much to me and I just can't cope anymore. Thinking about you is a distraction because you're not real anymore. Perhaps you never were and I just forced this emotion on myself of my own free will but honestly it's been so long I just don't even know how to feel if I'm not just being sad. Does this even make any sense? Am I just talking gibberish???

I just need someone to vent to. I don't have anyone to vent to but I can't vent to just anyone because I can't face the judgement and I don't want people to see me like this. I don't want to say weak because it's too cliche but so not myself? What even qualifies as myself? Undoubtably happy? Who the fuck knows anymore. People change. Deep down I think I've always felt really shitty underneath this weird bubbly facade. Like for years and years because it's so much easier to say that I'm alright than to admit the shit things that are happening to me or that I am doing to other people. I'm such a bad person, I'm a shit friend. I flake on people and then when they flake on me I get super upset. What is wrong with me? Help. I need you. Not even you, just anyone.

 

Cry Me Out- Pixie Lott

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