Playlist To a Broken Heart

Just some trashy songs to go along with my trashy life

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21. 'let's be unhappy forever'


I think I'm broken. Not broken in that poetic way that so many people seem to be, the fragile people who fear ran mascara and sleepless nights. No I'm actually broken, not working the way a person should. Before I went to sleep some guy drunk messages me and we talk, I like him, I did when I first met him. But when the conversation finished I told myself not to do this. Now it's 4 am and I feel nothing. I made myself not like him because…..???  I'm waiting on you??? It makes no sense. We are an impossibility and yet I'm still thinking “you know what happened last time you tried to move on”. How can I switch off these feelings for him but not you? 

I know the problem is that you are everything I want you to be because you are fantasy scenarios in my head where you might as well strut in on a white horse, where as this guy is real and he could be too clingy or too distant, or pushy or any number of things that I don't want. I don't want to waste my time. I am wasting my time with you. 

Me being the person I am, has decided to wait until New Year's Eve, if I think about you then, at midnight I'll message you happy new year, you don't have to reply and it seems like a nice gesture. Meaningless. And if I don't I will talk to this guy who has been working up the courage to message me for a couple of days (of which I know from snapchat saying “he's typing, repeatedly). Interested to see the result because I seem to force myself to think about you almost all of the time. 


I can't do it. He messages me and I feel happy and I want to talk to him and I can be flirty and everything but then I my feelings go away as I think about the possibility of this actually going somewhere. And I think I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to talk to someone all the time, it's an effort to make me go out as it is, I don’t need another reason to make me go out. I don't want to be with someone because I quite possibly don't want to get hurt. The only guy I want to be with is you because you're not real. Not anymore. I mean yes you are a very real person but you're not the person I want to be with. I have imagined up some kind of noble guy to sweep me off my feet and I'm so caught up in that I physically can't move on or do something real. What the fuck is wrong with me?! I can't do this anymore. I don't want to. I don't like controlling my feelings the way I do. It's not normal. Help me please. You're just a vice I use to escape reality. Because deep down I want to be sad. I am single because I don't even try and it's all my fault but the simple truth is that you don't like me. I don't know if you ever did. A simple fact is that we would never talk if it weren't for me messaging you. And yet I still can't forget you. 

I don't want to go to this party anymore. I want to sit at home and cry and hug my cat and think about you. But I bought a dress. A pink crushed velvet bodycon dress. It's beautiful. So I'm going to put on my makeup, find my high heels and get fucking wasted. And I'm certainly not going to let my best friend party on her own because I was too selfish to go. 

 

 

just be- paloma faith

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