Playlist To a Broken Heart

Just some trashy songs to go along with my trashy life

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6. 'I missed the joke'

You make me so angry. If you liked me for all that time then why didn't you fucking tell me?! We could have been together, we could have been happy! But maybe you thought you would fuck up and I wouldn't like you anymore. That never would have happened. I have never been able to not like you. But I'm still angry. I'm in such a difficult situation and all I want to think about is us. 

I'm so angry that we never realised that we liked each other. We were so obvious it was ridiculous. Even some of our teachers knew we liked each other, I'm pretty sure anyway. Do you remember Mr Stafford? Our art teacher, he said we reminded him of a Swedish film where the girl fell in love with a boy and had to protect him from her father. In reality he was just old and a little bit mental but maybe he thought we would be cute together. 

Look at me. Writing about how someone thought we would be cute together when I am unavailable. I hate this. Don't I deserve to be happy? Because I am certainly not happy. I am definitely most unhappy in this current situation. Maybe I am so unhappy because I can definitely not be myself around him. And I could with you. You see, the thing is, when I start talking to people, I am a version of myself that is careful to say what people want to hear, not what I want to say. I mainly said what I wanted to say to you, but to my 'boyfriend' I say what he wants to hear. Mostly because when I don't, he gets weird. Makes it very difficult to have a real conversation with him. Not that I can anyway because he only sends snapchat pictures which is so annoying and ridiculous. I actually hate him. He makes me feel physically sick. 

 

Just an example of how different the two of you are and how you understand me. You are aware, I am sure, that my favourite film is Pirates of the Caribbean. He thinks I like it because Orlando Bloom is hot or because its funny. And whilst I appreciate the hilarity of the film, I know it is well scripted, witty, and interesting. I know most of the dialogue in the scenes because it is so memorable and defines the characters so well. I know you understand what I'm talking about because I know you love that too. He just thinks it's an okay film with Johnny Depp as a badass character. Which, yes it is but it's so much more than that. 

I know... It sounds stupid comparing the different ways in which two people enjoy a film. It looks petty but as someone who takes great solace in films, I really do look at how appreciative people are about films especially when they are my favourite.

 

Clown - Emeli Sande 

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