Playlist To a Broken Heart

Just some trashy songs to go along with my trashy life

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19. 'don't be a fool man'

Here I am again, you're stealing my thoughts just as you always do and I am left with you in my mind. It's almost poetic, a girl, lovestruck by what could have been, but really it's just sad. And pathetic. I need to grow up. I wish I could. I do like, I'm not just saying this, but it's really quite lonely, my current situation, because I think that I keep people at a distance from me. I'm not saying I let you in and I got hurt because realistically you probably didn't know me that well anyway, you were meant to be kept at a safe distance and I still got hurt. How can I let people get close to me when even at a distance things like this happen? Absolutely ridiculous. 

I always say that I wish you knew. But I don't. I don't want you to see how annoyingly ridiculous I am to still wish we could be something when we can't. Like we really can't. I'd hate to know what you think of this and yet I yearn to know that you still care somewhat. 

Would it interest you that I went out with a person so wrong for me it's beyond laughable? If you had known what was happening would you have said something to make me rethink or would you let me go through that whole unhappy ordeal?

Sometimes I wish the worst thoughts about you. I wish that you still liked me and that I knew that. But I wish I had made it insufferable for you, I wish I had made you so incredibly jealous that you felt as much pain as I do. I wish I was the sort of girl who dated a lot and posted about it on social media and I wish that you saw everything and each post was like a dagger to the heart. But that's not the case is it. I don't date because the only guys who like me now are so not people I want to date, I can't even force myself to like them. I don't know why you ever liked me when I compare you to the guys who like me now. I just want to scream. I wish I could read your mind. What did you think when I messaged on you by accident when I was drunk? Did you question who Euan was? Did you think I was an idiot? I know I do. 

Not knowing is definitely the worst part. The uncertainty that makes my mind go wild with different scenarios when in reality, you most likely saw that message and just thought, 'leave me alone' you probably think that overtime I message you. You probably never even liked me to begin with and you were just sparing my feelings.

 

Elizabeth - Tom Odell

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