36. 'every time I don't, I almost do'
The way I talk about you in this makes it seem like I am a little bit obsessed with you. But honestly I'm not, because yes I miss you obviously but I miss lots of other people too that I haven't seen or spoken to in over two years. I just think about you the most because I had a crush on you.
For example, I miss Dylan and Jack. Jack is the first best friend that I can remember. He didn't even know I was moving until I was almost gone- how weird is that? We used to be inseparable but I barely talked to him after we went to secondary school. Dylan, I managed to be better friends with, we were best friends towards the end of primary school and at first I did have a crush on him, but he had a girlfriend so we were just friends and after hating him for about a week we were really cool friends. I miss Dylan. I actually miss Dylan so much and I don't know why I never made the effort to speak to him after I moved. ffs I fucked everything up didn't I?
I really fucked everything up. Yes I have great friends and I love them to pieces but I miss some of my old friends too. I miss Dylan and Jack and Kate and Charlie most. But after I moved I kinda fucked myself over and made myself really distant with everyone and now I don't talk to anyone bar Charlie but even we don't talk very much. I miss them so much. Like I know they're okay and everything, at least I hope they are and like I'm sorry I'm such a shitty friend and a bad person and I can't deal with friendships and anything.
I just deserve to live alone and have no friends and wallow in my misery because it's not that hard to stay friends because maybe if I had made more of an effort to ensure that we were all still great friends, so would they. Because when someone moves, it's their job to make sure that their friends know that they haven't forgotten about them. But I'm such an idiot and I never did that and now I hate myself for it.
So don't go thinking that you're special and that all my self hate and feelings are for you because they're not. They're for several equally deserving people that used to be fucking amazing friends to me and I just fucked it all up just like I did with you.
I almost do - Taylor Swift