Ten years of therapy, about a million different types of pills and three psychiatrists have helped me enough to write this. I was eleven when it happened, my older sister, Quinn, was almost sixteen, and my best friend was ten. I'll never forget it... I doubt anyone ever will.
It was a warm summer day, early June, my best friend, Harper was over and we were playing in the backyard. We were laughing and singing along to a song that I couldn't tell you the name of now. It was the middle of a normal day, but that's what they always think just before everything goes wrong. Well, anyways,Harper and I amused ourselves doing everything and nothing for a while before we decided that we wanted to go to upstairs and bug Quinn, who we thought was doing her online drivers ed. courses. We raced up to her room, giggling like the little girls we were. When we got to her room, Harper grabbed the doorknob and tried to fling the door open, but it was locked. That should have been my first sign that something was wrong, Quinn never locked her door, we weren't allowed to. We yelled, laughing, "Let us in! Let us in!" We giggled and knocking on her door again and again. There was no response, so I remember grabbing the key my parents always had, it opened all of the doors to me and my sibling's bedrooms... I wish I would've known what I know now. I wish I wouldn't have opened that door.
That day was the last happy day for a long time. I remember everything clearly, the breeze ruffling my short hair, the sound of Harper screaming the lyrics to our favorite song at the top of her lungs. I especially remember the thing that has haunted me for the past ten years. I remember my sister's lifeless body lying in a pool of her own blood on her bed. I remember the look on her face being more peaceful than I've ever seen it. I remember screaming as I stared at the image of Quinn, her wrists bleeding and her skin pale. I remember the sound of Harper frantically dialing 911 and I remember the ambulance arriving. I remember the paramedics calling my parents and hearing my mom's piercing scream from the phone. I remember the paramedics forcing me out of Quinn's room, while I kicked and screamed at them, begging them to let me stay with my sister. It was the last time I saw her face. I remember collapsing in my dad's arms. That was the first time I heard him cry, it wouldn't be the last.
She was already dead when the ambulance got there. Suicide, they said, she killed herself. It took a long time to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. If I had only went to see her sooner I could've saved her. The funeral was closed casket and everyone cried. I didn't. I couldn't. I was too numb. I don't remember much of the funeral, it was just a blur of black and navy blue, with the occasional apology thrown in there. I never got why everyone apologized, it wouldn't bring her back.
I was just a little girl and there I was with my childhood torn away from me. I was a younger sister and then I was an only child. A piece of me has been missing from me ever since that die and I doubt I'll ever get it back again.