As the months passed,
the love between us continued to grow.
We kept meeting at the library every week,
And spent as much time together at school as we could.
Winter break, with Christmas, came and went.
It was the longest two weeks of my life,
Because that was 14 days
That I couldn’t see or even talk to
Before school let out for break,
He gave me a few small presents:
A necklace with a heart that said
“I love you more”,
Which was a running joke between us;
A pair of pink-jeweled heart earrings;
A guitar pick with “S+F 4EVER” written on it;
The chains that I’d always said I loved to see him wear,
And a pair of gloves.
He also gave me a choker with the black half of a YinYang symbol on it.
He wore the white half.
When we realized that the colors had gender meanings and we were switched,
He asked if I wanted to change, but I said no,
Because he could have me close to his heart,
And I could have him close to mine,
And I like how my color looked on me, anyway.
We grew braver in our physical explorations,
Both of us learning from each other.
My panic atttacks continued,
And so did the cutting.
It seemed like the more I tried to stop,
The harder it was to resist the temptation.
Every time I cut,
I told him,
And every time I told him hurt more.
I also finally opened up to my
Six-year best friend, my soul sister,
I’d been hiding my self-harm and panic attacks from her,
And it was a few months after meeting Francis
that I finally told her the truth.
Every time I told Francis
That I had cut again,
I was terrified that he would lose his patience.
I kept being afraid that he would get fed up with my weakness,
My masochism and my craziness.
But every time he just sighed,
Sometimes almost cried,
And begged me not to do it again,
And every time, I made another fragile promise.
As winter went on, I grew less afraid of him abandoning me,
As he assured me repeatedly that he would never leave me,
No matter what.
Then March came,
And with it,
The perfection of the previous four months
Was smashed against the ground.
It didn’t shatter,
But it did crack.