I used to be the girl who laughed at the crappiest jokes, the one who smiled at even the rarest moments and the one who could dance for hours to the music.
I was such a happy person…
I loved writing stories, love stories most of the time and I could always make something up just from a memory.
I can’t even laugh at funny videos of stupid dogs on YouTube…
I was always in the mood for a good party, and I was excited about the most random stuff.
I feel so empty, so alone.
Even though I still have the people that matters the most to me.
It feels like a darkness is taking over my entire body.
Like I’m not even me anymore…
Most of the time when I lay in my bed at night, I start thinking about stuff I didn’t even bother to know existed before…
Like “How do I continue?” “Is it possible for someone to hate life this much?” “When can I be me again?”
The smallest things can set me off.
I’ll start crying, and I won’t stop again.
Not that long ago, I was lying in my bed pretty late at night, when something hit me.
I don’t even know what is was, but apparently it hit me HARD.
I busted out in tears, and then the thoughts came.
“I am alone” “Where are the people who promised to be here through my hard times?”
I started to scream, mildly.
I just screamed.
I had no idea why.
But I couldn’t stop.
My sister heard me I guess, cus seconds later my dad stood in my door opening.
He lay down next to me, and placed his hand on my hip.
But it didn’t notice, cus my face was buried in my pillow.
I heard him breath.
And then he said those 5 words.
“Honey, why are you crying?”
I got my face pulled out of the pillow, and looked at him.
Silence took over.
I had no idea what to answer.
I just continued crying.
Cry so hard, that my asthma almost showed.
And then I finally said something.
I looked into those big baby blue eyes, I recognized from myself.
“I can’t do it anymore”
“I don’t want to cry”
He sighed and stroke my shoulder.
I sniffed and then the tears took over.
“My head, my body. I feel so empty. So hollow”
He then looked at me.
I busted out in even more tears than before.
“I don’t know, I can’t control it”
He stroke my forehead over and over again, as I tried to breathe slowly and control myself.
“It makes me sad, that you feel this way. I don’t like it when you’re miserable, and I even hate it when I know that I can’t do anything to help.”
He got up, and then left my room.
My point is…
Depression isn’t just something that hits you.
It hits all the people you have close too.
Cus when you’re sad, you make them unhappy because they can’t do anything about it.
I’m trying, and I know lots of you guys are too.
Smile at the small things, cus you never know how you feel in the morning.