A Fluke in Motion


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10. A Community Garden, Revisited

My obsession with the garden has grown,

although just in the idea alone,

nothing about action, or knowledge, or experience.

The idea alone.

Much like my life.

I have an idea for the man I should be,

could be.

But just an idea - consumes my thoughts.

It is my lens on the world.

My Reason.

 

I think I am next to a Japanese maple,

but I do not know, and worse, I do not care enough to ask or Google it or read a book that may have the answer -  

if I had it what would I do with it? Probably forget it and feel my own inadequacies.

Better to not try and not fail than to try and fail. I hate failure more than I love success.

Instead of this being a motivating force in my life,

It renders me mostly motionless.

 

The woman behind me has pink hair, completely curled and tangled and not caring.

My hair is mostly blonde and my neck is not clean.

Which makes me uneasy and slightly insecure when I think about it...

...Therefore I try to not think about it.

 

But I do nothing to correct the situation on my neck.

 

I had an idea to read the dictionary,

just to have all of our words pour over me and call out my own ignorance.

The idea is fine and will only remain as such.

Nothing will happen.

Invariably my attention will move on to something else, something new, something requiring no action whatsoever on my part,

just offering enough distraction to make me forget I had ever had the other thought in the first place.

 

Flannel was a mistake on this warm July day in Alphabet City.

I knew that before I left my apartment today, yet to return to my apartment to change my shirt to make my experience today more comfortable

would require me to accept my defeat in setting out of my home in the first place today, which I do not want to do.

Thus I undoubtedly will do nothing to correct it.

 

You identified three things as fundamental to achieving some level of contentment in your life: 1. Love of Truth 2. Strength of Body, Mind, and Spirit 3. Self-Control.

 

but then I glance away.

And it all falls apart.

Your life is not what you want it to be.

 

Love is all that matters,

and you feel none of it.

 

They said:

Live your life true to yourself, not expectations.

Express feelings and have courage.

Stay in touch with friends.

Let yourself be happy.

 

I have moments when I transcend my weakness,

but they never last long.

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