16.


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1. Late night

16.

    I know I can’t discuss this, or can’t “properly give my view on this” because I am not as experienced or smart and I really don’t understand. Maybe I really have no rights, but there is one fact that is unarguable: some experiences give bigger emotions and break people into more pieces no matter how long the experience have been or how many times have it repeated.

    I am a person. And that means I have feelings. I can show them a lot, or hide them so none will notice. I could feel pain or pretend I am not feeling anything. But in fact, everyone does. Everyone feels like they fell, and they can’t stand up. The question is do you ask for help whenever you feel like that?

    Again, yeah, I’m only 16, and you can judge the hell out of me, but at least I know things that make me happy. I don’t have any dreams. Sometimes I even catch myself on not even having any aims or objectives. But you don’t always need to. You are not some PLC, that sets goals to motivate yourself. No doubts, motivation keeps you going. But there is a point whenever which is reached, it sets you on fire. You burn slowly. Every single molecule of yours. Until all you feel is your inability to speak, or to function. You create pathways to run away.

    1 month passed. I don’t know if it’s better or worse. It promised to be better. I thought it was going to stay the way we started. The way that made me go crazy. But not everything is a two-way. And not everything keeps you thirsty for ever. 

    The first sips of water you take. That is probably the most enjoyable feeling one could experience after a boiling day outside. The next steps are alright. But the more you take, the more you realise how full you are. You catch yourself forcing to drink that water, until you want to puke. So you stop. It is no longer pleasant. I hate water, I really do. But this is just the way he feels about me.

    2 people. I find it easier to use numbers instead of actually writing the number itself. “Two”; it doesn’t pop out in this text, does it? 2. How much easier has it become to find this number? 

    1 love. Love? It does exist. But it can only be proved to be real life whenever you realise that the passion you are having for someone for all these years isn’t fading. Whenever it’s the same for him, and whenever you don’t feel like you have to take care of your partner, but you do it because you want. Not because you feel obligated to do it or you are used it. 

    I do believe in love, but I am not the kind of person who says it to everyone. I would tell the ones who I trust enough to see me without make up, that I am in love. But that is probably one thing I wouldn’t expose to the public. 

    16. That is how old I am. 

    This shall or shall not make any sense for you, but this is the same as teenage love. You think you know what it is, but when you look back at this crazy feelings and these crazy things you have done for this one guy, when you are already 60, you will tell yourself: “That was bullshit, honey”. Some would again agree, some would disagree. But teenage love actually gives you more feelings than any other love. You might feel like you are drowning. Maybe you are. You are drowning in the mistakes you made and those that you are yet to make.

    I am a corp. That has been tied up to a rock, and thrown out of the plane in the middle of the ocean. Some minds are clear, that’s what they say. Stop lying to yourselves. 

    

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