How to Get Away With Murder

An english parody I wrote. I decided to put this as yellow as it's so violent/about murder.


1. How to Get Away With Murder

Murder is a tough subject for some, but sometimes you have to do it. This guide exists purely to teach you how to get rid of that pesky person without getting your gloves dirty. I would not recommend just going out on a murder spree after reading this however, this is only for those situations where you absolutely need to... Also Justin Bieber is an acceptable use of this guide...I mean, who even likes that girl? We have several techniques to present you with the best chance of getting away with it.

The first technique and probably the best technique is the good ole bury them in the forest technique. You may be saying, "There is no forest near my house!" Well then you're screwed. Not really. You can bury them in a backyard. The key however, is to dig the hole twice as deep as normal. This is the first step, dig a VERY deep hole. Make sure they are positioned well and won't be able to climb out in the case of zombification. Might even want to throw some holy water and garlic down there incase they were a vampire. Step two, fill the hole half way with dirt. This is the dirty step, so take off your gloves in order to keep them clean. Once the whole is filled half of the way, it is time for step three. Take a dead animal, presumably roadkill, so it's already dead and you don't have the guilt of killing a random woodland creature. Put said animal into the whole and bury it the rest of the way. This way, if a dog sniffs out a body, they will dig it up and find the roadkill and presume it's a false positive.

The second technique I would recommend is using a container full of acid. This is the more disturbing and unsavory technique, but it works so much better. I mean haven't you seen that episode of breaking bad? Make sure to get a plastic tub like Walter White said, and some Hydrofluoric acid. I highly doubt you can waltz into your local drug store and be like "Hey! Where's the Hydrofluoric Acid?" However, if you can... You are probably doing to get some funny looks. You probably should cut the body into smaller pieces so that it dissolves faster and makes less of a mess. So step one, cut up the body. Eww.. This is just brutal. Step two, put the parts in the acid filled tub. Step three, try not to vomit as your evidence dissolves away... Literally...

I would like to say, I do not condone any of these methods or murder, nor am I a psychopathic murderer. This is purely for "scientific" uses and curiosity sake. Do not actually murder someone in real life that is not only illegal, but wrong. Please take this how to as information and entertainment and not as a literal guide on how to get away with murdering your neighbor.  

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