3. why did he do that?
I don’t think Josh relished, the amount we broke up, nearly broke up and had fights/ arguments I was more getting more and more afraid that I would wake up one day and wouldn't be by his side. Then that fear kept eating away at me until one day I snapped and lost my shit at him. Because I was afraid of losing him to some better than me. Maybe i shouldn't have lost it at him and hit him, maybe if I didn't feel like I was going to loose him or explode into a million and one pieces I wouldn't have lost it at him.
I wanted him forever and was willing for fight forever but he just gave up on us way to easy. I fort back and forth with him and everyone around us because I truly love him. My heart still felt the same nervous beat on when I first meet him to the last minute of our relationship. It was really hard to let go. I never thought I would stop crying. But I did and it still hurts so much to this day that he could and would walk away from something he loved to much so easy. I get there was complication but honestly nothing is and was as hard as want we had to go through and most of it I went through alone. I never meant to hurt him but him and everyone around him hurt me so much that I could bare it anymore. I started doing stupid stuff again and fell back into what I started when I was 15. I thought that I was that much of a pathetic waste of space I wanted to die. I started self-harming again because I thought it was the only way to stop the pain and torture that was bruising inside me. I felt like I was crying flames. I felt like I was on fire. and yet I was as cold as ice. I didn’t even feel how deep it was. But I knew it was bad on the big scares I have. And the most of the reason is because I couldn't take it anymore. I fucked up our relationship and couldn’t even keep us or our child alive long enough for everything to be okay. I hated myself and I still do. I don’t want to but I do.
I guess it wasn't even harder since nothing I said to him was just to say between us. Once one person knows the whole world know. I guess after that finding out he did tell people that I lost respect for him and trust. That just caused a lot of my anxiety and stress, because I didn’t know what he was saying about me. Then it finally getting back to you, and that you’re being called a liar attention seeking. It hits you pretty hard. I may have done some stupid irrational things to hurt him but I did not make him feel as low as I did through them weeks. Even though he barely knows on how I felt because he was barely around to see it. He heard it by far that’s the most he ever knew that I was crying. Crying to the point I couldn't cry no more. I probably should have left it there. Walked away. But how do you find the greater strength to walk away from something/ someone you love.
I can’t even be being to describe on how much I hurt, to go through so much in so little time ALONE. I just felt like fading away. I wish he just stabbed me in the heart instead of ripping it to pieces. He admits he should have been there for me more. But instead of listening to his words and proving he was not that much of a harsh human being he walked away. Just gave up. And after everything I put into it. I just wanted to give up for good. The night I was in hospital, I knew what was wrong with me but he said he knew his faults but didn't even come see me in the hospital, they tested me for all sorts of stuff, some of the stuff I never told him about because I was too scared on what he would think of me. Maybe it was the lack of eating and drinking that helped me be sick or the stress that built up to it. All I wanted to remember was walking out of the hospital and going home not remember what happened in there. I remember a few days after that he said it was over that we weren’t going to happen again, and to hear that from him. I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop crying. It felt like everything I put it to him was a waste and I wanted to end the pain. But after crying on his shoulder for an hour, it was hard to let him go I mean I never thought out of everything he was the one to walk away.