2. How should I feel ?
I hurts to feel like he could move one from me. Like I will be a distance memory in his mind. I wish we could freeze in time so I could just sit there and not worry about what’s going to happen next. I may miss him some time and still love some parts of him but it’s hard to love some that you know you should hate. I miss the part where he would say he loved me. He can kiss me hug me but can’t say he love me. It hurts more when he says stuff like, I’m not going to be in his future or that we aren't going to talk forever. I guess I'm picturing us being the way we are for a while, until I get the chance to move on and forwards. But I don’t want to hold him back either, and I think I’m doing that. See we aren’t just acting like friends; we are having sex still too. And really that’s not okay because it will make me more attracted to him. I guess maybe it’s because we have been through a fair bit together and that maybe at the end of all the fighting he can still make happy. It’s funny how much our arguments are mostly about his or my family issues. See well most our relationship issues was from his family and friends clouding his judgement on a
At the current point in time he is in Brisbane seeing family, who still can’t make up their bloody minds about hating me, disliking me or liking me. Its honestly really annoying. I mean shouldn’t care what they think anyway. But me being me I don’t like it when someone judges me when they don’t know me. The last time josh when to Brisbane to see his family I was in Brisbane too. He didn’t see me the whole time I was there. I even booked us a hotel and a table at a nice restaurant, but he didn’t take any interest in it. To be honest that killed me. He barely texted or called me. I was at breaking point. I didn’t even want move out of the house or talk to anyone. Most nights I spent up crying my eyes out wondering what the hell I did wrong to deserve so much disrespect and torture. I think it was the most pain full three weeks of our relationship. Then he expected me to act like exactly normal when we got back. I don’t get how you just get over that, even more how do you more forward from that? I guess it took me a great deal for strength to move pass it.
Its honestly so annoying on how much bullshit I had to push aside so we would work. I mean I guess that’s what you do when you love someone you move forward. You can either choose two things, move forward with them or without them and let them go. I guess I was afraid for being alone for so long so I kept moving forwards with him so I didn’t have to be alone again. But in that I learnt you shouldn't have to change and sacrifice so much for that one person to love you back. If they love you they will do anything to keep you. Where if I walked away from josh he wouldn’t chase me like I chased him. He would never chase because simply in thinks he doesn’t need. But little does he know it means more than anything. No matter how many guys I like or that like me the results seem to be the same. After a while they just give up and I have to put all the effort in. Josh gave up after the first few weeks of dating. I think back to it now and I hate to admit I regret dating him. Not for the fact on how much he dragged me down or hurt me. Because I didn’t know him well enough to know how to act or what to do around him. So yes I regret dating him, but only because I wish I dated him after I got to know him. If he knew me a bit better he would have relished that I’m a very emotional affectionate person, who only wants to be told she looks good and to be given attention. I don’t care how much gift I get or how many dates we go on; All I want is to be with that one person where ever it may be. I know I may be a bit clingy and I get annoying, its only because so many people have walked out of my life and I’m just waiting for that one person that won’t. I started to get more attached when josh grew more distant. It was hard to understand where he was coming from a lot of the time because he wouldn’t and didn’t tell me when he needed space or talk to me about anything. I think I stuffed up on knowing how to read him. But how do you read someone that puts on a smile. I knew he was hurting and when something was wrong when I saw him. But he always pushed my judgement aside for everyone else. If you can’t act really around your friends or your friends don’t know when you’re upset or hurting are they really your friends. Most of the judgements I made he didn’t understand them until something happened to him and it was too late. I wish he would have listened to me earlier maybe things would have ended differently. Or maybe they wouldn’t have ended at all because he would have been happier and okay with in his self. But wishes only come true in fairy tales.