Food, Cats, and Being in Love

I don't want to think about it
I don't want to talk about it
When I kiss your lips
I want to sink down to the bottom
Of the sea


6. Chapter Six

By the time school rolled around the following Monday, I’d come to the conclusion that Dustin wasn’t making fun of me when he laughed at my virginity. I decided he was probably telling the truth, and I’d made a bigger ass of myself by being so upset and stupid. I could just talk to him, tell him I wasn’t ready, and we could go back to dating.

The problem was that he hadn’t called all weekend.

And when I got to school I was hurrying down the hall toward the classroom when Jaime rushed out of the doors and headed right toward me.

“You don’t want to go in there,” she said. I paused.

“What? Why?” I asked. She shifted on her feet, looking uncomfortable, but pinching her mouth shut. She had on purple lipstick that matched her purple hair.

“It’s just—Dustin’s kind of being a douche,” she finally said. I shook my head.

“Like how? We had a bad date—I can fix it.” She shook her head.

“He sort of—told everyone—about the date.” I felt my heart drop.

“He what?”

“We got here early, and one of the dickheads from the other table asked him how his date went when he walked in. And at first he was kind of shy about it like he normally is, you know? But then the guy made a comment about you.”

“What kind of comment?”

“A sexual comment.”


“Like he was basically asking Dustin if he’d gotten you naked yet.”

“Oh God.” I dropped my head in my hands. I wanted to cry. “What did he say?”

“He said—um—he said—to quote him—he said he popped your cherry.”

“Oh God. Oh god oh god oh god.” I was walking around in circles now. I had my phone in my hand, and it took everything I had not to smash it against the wall. “I hate my life. I hate my life! I’m gonna murder him! I can’t go in there!” I turned back to her, and she saw the panic in my eyes. “I can’t face them!”

“Don’t worry. I’ve got an idea.”

“Oh God, please tell me anything?”

“Okay, just go back in there and say something like, ‘I’m not a virgin. The sex was just bad, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.’”

“That sounds great, but I probably won’t be able to get that out. I’m freaking out. I’m going home. I’m going to take the toaster in the bathtub.” I turned around on my heel, and she reached out to grab me.

“No, don’t do that!” she shouted.

“Oh God, I was just kidding, Jaime. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. But seriously. I’m not going in there. I’m going to transfer. Someplace far. Québec.”

“Québec isn’t that far.”

“Well, good! You can come visit!” I turned back around, and she didn’t follow me. I did almost what I said I was going to do. I drove right back home. But instead of taking the toaster in the bath, I just called Jackie, my teacher, and told her I couldn’t come in. She was sympathetic.

But later when class let out, and I was sitting on my couch eating again, Jaime called me.

“Guess what I did?” she said when I answered.

“What?” I replied, half whining.

“After you left I went back into the class and told everyone what I said you should say.”

“What did you say exactly?”

“Okay, so I walked back into the class, stood at the desk in front of Dustin. And I said, ‘I just talked to Piper, and she told me what actually happened on your date.’ And he was like, ‘What?’ So I said, ‘She said she wasn’t actually a virgin. You were just awful and had a small dick, and she didn’t want to hurt your feelings.’ Aw, Piper. You should have been there. I think I broke a rib from laughing so hard.” I sunk into the couch and put my hand on my head.

“Jaime. I love you so so much. And I will forever be grateful for your brave sacrifice.”

“What are you talking about? Telling guys they have small dicks is one of my favorite things to do.” I snorted.

“I just—I don’t think I can go back. I’ve been thinking about it all day. I think I’m just going to tell Jackie to move me to another class or just drop it altogether.”

“Aw, Piper. Don’t do that. You’re my favorite person. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

“It’s just—like I always told myself I’d save my virginity for someone I actually loved, you know? Or at least someone I really liked. And then I went and gave it to some asshole who didn’t even have the decency to keep it to himself.”

“Aw, man. I understand that feeling. Love just sucks sometimes.”

“It’s not just that. I mean, it’s like every romantic encounter I’ve ever had has been negative. The first guy who ever kissed me did it out of pity, and he was my sister’s boyfriend. The first guy I ever had sex with told my entire class. And I didn’t even like it! I just want to drive away and never come back. I’ll go back home and go back to work at old Penis’s Steakhouse.”

“Don’t go back to Penis’s. Stay here. Just—talk to Jackie about it tomorrow. She loves you. You’re like her star student. Maybe she’ll even kick Dustin out, and you can stay with me.”

“No, the whole class still knows.”

“Then I’ll transfer with you.”

“You can’t. You have a job.”

“I’ll find a way.” I sighed heavily.

“I’ll figure it out.”

“Well, just let me know.”

“Alright, I will. Thanks for like—being kind to me and stuff.”

“Hey, that’s what friends are for.” I smiled to myself even though my eyes were all teary again. It was nice to hear that from someone other than Caitlyn.

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