Have you ever felt like you're just a waste of air? Like everything you have now isn't really yours, and your just borrowing from life? Nothing lasts forever. Everything you have in life is not yours. You're just here for a pass by. Yeah, you get good grades. You work hard to get into a great college and university. You get your career. Great. But in the end you did it all for nothing. Because in the end you just... die. It's better to be dead. Because once you are no longer existent, you don't have to worry about anything. You're just sleeping. No more worries. No more abuse. No more frustration. No more nothing.
That's what I want.
Peace. And I don't care if it's associated with death. I'm not scared of it. In fact, I yearn for it. It's the reason I cut. Cutting helps me take away the pain. To shut out all the criticism from the one who think they're higher. To just be in my own world and be relieved. I'm numb to the pain. I no longer cry when I slide the blade across my wrists. Because when I cut, I forgot about the emotional pain surging through me and focus more on the physical, that relieves me from it.
But, it's been 2 days since the last time I've cut. Well... almost. Today would count if I don't do it so, technically it's only been a day. And it feels, disturbing. Doing that is something I do almost everyday. How could I have done it?
My fathers voiced echoed from the hallway, his footsteps approaching my room. The door flew open as he came barging into the room.
"What? You thought I was going to let you go easily after what you did?"
It was 2 days ago, gosh. Just let it go.
His rough fingers soon wrapped around my neck, trapping it. My breathing staggered trying to keep a steady pace.
"But now, you'll get it."
His stained hands collided with my cheek. Naturally, my back slid against the wall from the pain. It was the same spot he punched me last time.
A snicker fell from his nasty chapped lips, "Look who's a little girl now, huh? Dumbass."
The sound of a door slamming came from the main entrance. Mum was home.
"This isn't over." He said sneering as he spit on me and went on.
My left cheek was throbbing. My fingers ghostly ran over it. I flinched instantly. My hands were on the nightstand for support as I got up. I opened the drawl and looked frantically for my razor. I can't do this any more. I have to end this suffering. I went straight to my bathroom and locked the door.
"This is it." I breathed out, "I'm finally doing it."
My fingers held the razor steadily as it hovered over my scarred wrist. Shakily, the cold metal slid across my wrist. The red dark blood started to peek it's way out of my skin. I hissed a little but did another above that one forming an x. The blood started to swell up and then slide down my wrists. My breathing increased as I went for the 3rd one just below the last ones. Adrenaline rushed through my veins as I finished the 3rd one. Soon I was on my 4th then my 5th. It felt so good. The rush of the adrenaline surging through my body. My right hand once again hovered over the left one to mark my 6th when there was a sudden soft knock on my door.
"Uh, y-yes?" I asked as I got a towel and placed it on my left arm.
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah. Just doing my... business." I replied as I rinsed the razor and drying it off.
"Oh ok. Well there is a young lad in the front who wants to see you."
A young lad? See me? Who?
"Uhm, you sure it's not for Gemma?"
"No, he said he's a friend of yours. He said That he gave you a ride back home from school."
What? Wh- wait. Calum! Quickly I shoved my razor in the bottom cabinet and exited my bathroom, to be presented with my mum sat on my bed.
"Does he have dark hair?"
"Oh. Yeah. It's a guy from school who, unlike others, was nice to me."
"Well, looks like he wants to get to know you more honey. It'll be great. Go out. Have some fun."
"Mum... I-" I cut myself off and gazed at the wall.
My mum gave me a look full of sympathy, "Honey. Don't worry about your father. Ok? Just go out. You have to socialize."
Ha. Socialize. That's funny.
"Be around them. You won't regret it. I promise."
"Fine, tell him I'll be down in a sec."
She let out a content sigh as she hurriedly went to tell Calum.
"Hey." I barely say.
Calum's gaze shifted from my mum to me. He gave a smile.
"Hey mate, I was wondering if you'd like to just hang out."
"Uh, sure." I said.
"Great! Let's go!" He said a little bit too quickly, which made me confused.
"Uh, bye Anne. Nice meeting you. And uh. you're daughter too." he said as we both walked out.
Ah now I see why we left quick. Gemma. Of course.
"Yeah. Just- it's just that your... sister, made me feel uncomfortable." He said shivering a little.
I mentally rolled my eyes. Yup. That's Gemma for you. Harassing poor boys.
"Sorry, but that's my sister for you. Sadly."
He chuckled, "I'm glad Mar- i mean Scarlett isn't like that. Or else I would just hate her."
My heart swelled at the mention of the brunettes name. I just wanted to see her. Was she going to be with us?
"Um why do you call your sister Marie?"
A small smile formed On his face, "Marie is Scarlett's middle name. I call her Marie just to bother her. She calls me Thomas. Marie is just one of the few nicknames she has."
I merely shook my head as I was right, it was a brother-sister thing.
"Here lets go in, instead of just standing here."
He stuffed his hands into his front pocket looking for his keys when finally opening the door. In sight was blondie. Luke? I think. Next to him being a curly hair lad and another blonde boy.
"Harry. This is Luke as you may know I presented him yesterday." Calum said as he nodded towards the blond blue-eyed boy with a piercing on his lips.
"This is Ashton." He directed towards the curly hair boy with a band tee which had holes around it. Poor boy. Maybe he doesn't have enough money to buy more.
"Hi!" He chirped.
"Hi, I'm Harry." I said responding back.
"And this is Niall." he pointed to the other blond lad with blue eyes.
My lips curved up a bit at the sound of his accent. He's Irish.
"Hi." I nodded towards him.
"And of course my beautiful baby sister. You can't forget about her Harry." Calum said as he nodded towards Scarlett who entered the living room with her phone.
Her brown eyes raised from her phone and landed on mine. She gave me her heart warming smile.
"Hi Harry." her delicate voice rang though my ears, "How are you?"
"I'm doing fine myself, y-you?" I asked scratching the back of my neck. God I'm so awkward.
"I'm good." She said as she took a seat in between Ashton and Luke
"Take a seat mate." Calum said sitting me in between him and Niall.
"Do you play FIFA?" Niall spoke up.
Embarrassed, I shook my head, "No, my parents don't kinda give me those stuff."
"Oh, that's ok bro, don't worry we'll teach you." Calum said but then looked at Ashton, "After someone, buys a new one."
Ashton who was looking at Scarlett's phone screen with her, along with Luke, looked up with a sly smile.
"That's what you get for breaking my drum sticks. Don't mess with me."
"Oh shut up Irwin. And get your hands of my sister!" Calum said jokingly.
"No!" Ashton replied wrapping his arms around Scarlett's waist tighter.
"Hey! She's mine too!" Luke yelled trying to push Ashton away.
Ok, honestly, I didn't like the way he had his arms around her. Both of them. But that's all, ok? No I'm not jealous. I don't mind that she doesn't seem bothered by it. Nor does it bother me to think that this happens normally. I think it's all fine. Yeah, fine.
I stifled a laugh as I witnessed Niall and Calum throwing fruits at each other.
"Ow!" Niall yelped when a green apple hit his eye, "Mission Failed." he said cupping his right eyes while slowly falling on the ground.
"Yes!" Calum cheered victoriously, "No one can defeat me!" He chanted.
"Oh! Who else could save me from this horrendous beast?" Scarlett said in a higher pitched voice.
"I could do this again."
"No you can't Ash. You got a chance and you failed." She said to Ashton who pouted in response, but then she turned to me.
"Harry. You're my last chance. Fight for me you brave man."
I obeyed and stood a few inches apart from Calum.
"Fight!" Ashton said in an accent.
Fruit started flying everywhere. It was enjoyable. Until... the same damn apple hit me on the cheek my father punched me in. My knees folded as I fell to the ground. A groan escaped my lips as I held my cheek.
"Man down, man down!" Niall cried as the 5 rushed towards me.
"Oh my gosh, Harry. I'm so sorry I didn't mean to!"
"It's fine," I moaned out, " I know you didn't mean to." I said releasing my grip on my cheek.
"Ok- oh my god."
I stood up a little. "What?" I asked curiously.
"What happened to you?"
My eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. What was he talking about it?
"What?" I asked suspiciously but frighten at the same time.
"You have a purple bruise on your cheek where I hit you. Is everything alright Harry?"
My eyes widen.
My cheeks have swollen up again. Crap. I can't tell them. My eyes darted from all 5 of them. Especially her. Before I knew it, my feet sprinted out of their house.
Thank the lord my house was only next to theirs. Once I reached my door I unlocked it and went straight to my room and shut the door. I sat on my bed, my leg moving up and down impatiently. They'll probably not want to be with me anymore. Well it's for my own good. I don't want to get attached to them. Attaching myself will just make matters worse because I won't be thinking of just myself anymore, but... them. And I don't want it like that. Plus, I don't know if I can trust them like that. Especially what happened to the last friends I had.
They just didn't understand. And if they didn't understand what would make me think that these people here would? They'll just leave me in the dust just like the others once they find out what I do to myself. But they never know why. Because once I let the word "cut" out of my mouth, they left faster than a chase down. They don't know what I have been through. Those people thought they knew me. But they didn't. They weren't their when I needed them. Heck, I think they only came because of Gemma and food. One day they just left me. They turned their backs on me. Leaving me in desolation. Pain. Empty. Something I've become numb to already. I hate the pain that eats me alive every single day, because once my eyes open, it all starts again. Pain is not just getting hurt physically. It's emotionally too. Your heart can only take so much. But not to much where it crosses the limit.
I looked at squared black clock on the nightstand.
A smile lurked on my face when I remembered the events of today. For the first time in my life I actually enjoyed my day. School today was actually ok, Tyler wasn't there so.... yeah. But the fact that they saw my bruise just ruined it. But the best way was seeing her. I laid down on my back as I recalled her features. She was so gentle and her voice was so angelic. When she laughed, she would throw her head back and close her eyes. My breathing slowed down, and my eyes grew heavy at the thought of her, just wanting to dream of her.
I didn't finish what I started today.
But my body just couldn't. It was tired and it cost a lot to get up. A tired sigh left my lips.
"I'll do it tomorrow."