Dead Flower


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1. Hyacinth

 

My life used to be so simple, but then it all changed. She changed it. The way she just walked into my life, giving me feelings, I thought, I’d never get, and she sure did it with style. She was so beautiful. The way her long, strawberry blonde, curly hair fluttered back and forwards, when she walked pass you, could make any heart beat faster. Her touch so gentle, and her love deeper than the ocean. She had me flipped.

After my parents split up and my mom killed herself after the divorce, I swore, I’d never love anyone, but I fell hard for this one. Hyacinth. Named after a flower, and an incredible one too. She changed me, made me better. It was that kind of love, you want to last forever, but nothing lasts forever.

It’s one year ago today. It was our 6th month anniversary, and we had a perfect day, but then we started fighting over her going away to some college. We were both scared to loose each other, I guess, so we just left angry at each other, and the next morning her mother called me, saying she had died that morning on her way over to me to apologize.

I remember, how I felt my world falling apart and the earth underneath me disappearing. At first I couldn’t believe it. I first realized, that she was actually dead the day of her funeral. Seeing her body in that coffin, teared me apart. I just wanted to grab her and kiss her, like she was just sleeping, and I’d wake her up. But she wasn’t sleeping, she was dead.

Three months after her death I started seeing this psychologist. My dad could see that I was falling back into old bad habits, like when mom died.

The psychologist has helped me a lot. He told me, that I should write my feelings down, but I never did. I’m a guy. I didn't like to talk about my feelings, but then I found a video of her, and I realized, that I needed to move on. I needed to stop sleepwalking through my life, and find someone new to love. It was one year ago that day, and I’m still here missing my dead girlfriend, who I’m not together with anymore. I still believe, that we could have lasted forever. Often I find my self thinking about her. I always end up thinking “What if”. What if she was still alive? What if we hadn’t fought that night, and she stayed at my place? What if I just apologized the night before, so she didn't have to come to me? I just needed to stop thinking about what if, and accept that what happened, had happened.

I missed her everyday, but I needed to let her go. A part of me still wanted to see her again, to hold her again and to kiss her again.

All of those feelings became empty thoughts, when I looked back at how we used to be, remembering that love isn’t always what it seems. It was just so easy to regret.

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