Questioning myself

I'm a thirteen ear old girl, questioning her sexuality.

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1. hi

 

Guess what? I'm not 100% straight. If you think of it I don't think anyone really is. As I once read humans are always noticing things. I just happen to notice how nice a shade of bluey green a girl in my classes eyes are, or that when one of my friends bends down in a leather skirt it makes her butt look bigger. And I notice the delicate curves in girls legs and the way that the short haired girl in my class has the cutest laugh that I have ever seen. That's noticing. Then there's guys with sharp faces. That's were I finish noticing. 

Maybe that's the problem, I'm so busy noticing that I had forgot to notice who I was supposed to notice. And instead I notice how I laugh when the same short haired girl sends me multiple million dm's of attack on titans memes and moon faces 🌚🌝. That's a nice noticing but everyone makes me laugh, I'm just that kind of person. 

So I've come to the conclusion that I am not straight, whether I'm asexual, bi, or a lesbian, not a single word 'straight' registers in my vocabulary unless we are talking about a piece of something which is actually straight. 

 

I've never really had a crush on a guy. In my yr6 year I looked around my class and picked a boy with the nicest voice in my year and blond hair, a geeky smile, and I tries. Something you should know about picking your crush, generally the butterflies, the smiles, the fakery, aren't real, they are just how you think you should feel. I think this is always going to be my  problem. I force crushes on myself and I make them feel so real that I don't know what a real crush is anymore. That crush was very brutally shouted across the classroom, I'm still nervous around that guy now, it has nothing to do with me liking him.

I can't remember when I learnt about lesbians but when I went into high school away from everyone in my primary school my first best friend I suspected was one. She was very open with me in the beginning and somewhere inside when she pulled down her leggings infront of me slightly as her underwear was diggin in and sat next to me, only in her underwear, I was so nervous that I thought that the entire world was ending. Funny? Turns out that girl wasn't a lesbian, and after that sleepover we later become step-sisters so now I am used to her walking around in her underwear. But whatever I felt there which I can't catch on to could so easily have been a crush that I hadn't noticed it's unreal. I spent 5 months away from her after an argument, whatever was there before had gone now.

 

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