Remember.

Dear Sister,

There's a lot we haven't said in these years that we haven't spoken. How are you, in these years we haven talked? Do you think about all the times we had, as I often do? Are there instances where you wish I was there to get through live, as much as I do?

Do you even remember?

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3. Regrets

Not studying hard enough for that last exam,

never paying enough attention to details,

constantly making assumptions,

always trying, trying way too hard as a matter of fact.

 

These were just some of the thing I will regret someday. Maybe more even.

 

Never helping that girl that fell in the corridor,

Never being that student that does her homework,

Letting you go.

 

Sometimes I wonder, if I do truly regret that. You. You were the one reason I liked school, because I could spend time talking shit with you. I often see you around in school, you always smiling and hanging out with your friends, I hope you are happy with them.

 

It's the third of March and I'm sitting alone in the bus, earphones in, aimlessly staring out of the window. It's two years turning three and I'm still trying to fit in. Loyalty. That's what is hard to find in someone. They don't stay most of the time. We were split into groups for today's project but there's still part of me not there. I've been fleeting about, unable to concentrate, unable to do things with thought. It's been a year since my self diagnosis and I've recovered over the winter break. It's the start of a new semester, but I still feel I'd  have a relapse. Yes I have a new class, I'm in a new environment, it would be false to say I'm much happier here.  Does it hurt freedom to be so helpless to a caged bird? Cause it sure hurts to see people try to help a helpless situation. There's people out there who would always agree to help, but have you ever understood how hard it was to actually gather up courage to speak your feelings, to tell someone what you are facing? Do you know how hard it is to even try to help yourself?

 

I remember us having a talk online, where I told you about all the feelings I had. I had trusted you with my words, telling you everything. I turned out that would be the last time I ever had a proper with you. It ended on a bad note, with you repeatedly telling me I am not the worst, that God would not want me to do this to myself. I always wondered, if it had ever crossed your mind that I was trying. I was always trying weather you knew. God, I was always trying even when I wasn’t aware of it. Did you know? Did you even care?

 

It was after that when I first understood how it was to lose a friend. It was horrible, let me tell you. It wasn’t the days that hurt. It did to be alone, but it was the times in the dead of the night. When you couldn’t sleep and everything came back to haunt you. The dead of the night. The only time you could ever rethink your actions, to reflect even.

 

To rethink it, I don’t regret letting you go.

 

I only regret being too harsh in doing so. That would only ever be my single regret in life.

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