Remember.

Dear Sister,

There's a lot we haven't said in these years that we haven't spoken. How are you, in these years we haven talked? Do you think about all the times we had, as I often do? Are there instances where you wish I was there to get through live, as much as I do?

Do you even remember?

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2. Changes.

Sometimes I see you in the halls of school, sometimes I see you at tuition. Most of the times I see you on social media platforms. Sometimes I wonder if you ever feel the urge to wave to me, pretend things never happened that way. Yet I know you probably hate me. You probably regret letting me in as I have, to you. Sometimes I wish I never made such a mistake. It has been two years now, I wonder how you have been doing, I wonder if you have made any new friends, if you are still enjoying school. Most of all, I wonder if you are happy, for I am not. 

 

The only information I ever had of you was from Instagram. I remember a post from your birthday the previous year, your friend had surprised you, coming to your door with a gift and a poster-sized card filled with memories and heart-felt words. It was a quality your friends have, I suppose. Maybe it was why I never really was considered one of yours. 

 

Then there was one from this year. Jokingly you had asked for a rainbow cake from this same Friend. And of course, she had surprised you yet again, inviting you to her house to collect it. You were luck I will say, to have such dedicated friends. After you I never really had people who cared or would ever care that much. You are lucky, and you should know that. I had no more regrets, for my goal of you fitting in was achieved. Maybe, if I had a regret, it would be the way I cut you off. It was what you called 'cruel' and yes I do agree If there was a way to redo it, I would change it.

 

Maybe if you had stepped into my shoes for even, even a second, you could realise that I never even thought about myself, not in the 'selfish' way you claimed I did. 

 

It's 8 January, two years after I had last spoken to you. And in this past two years, many things had been going on. Events had passed, words have been exchanged and feelings all the well, have changed. In these two years, I have changed too, I still think about the past, sometimes I wonder, if you do too.

 

There's that day I'd never forget, after school, when we both had to stay back for extra classes. There were many day like that of course, you probably wouldn't recall. But that day, I was released late from classes and wasn't planning on eating lunch, taking my own time packing my bag. At that time, I was still sitting beside Danielle. Me, being me had told her that you were my sister, which I would always remember that you aren't and will never be. But she bought the idea, nudging me to tell me "my sister" was waiting outside. Considering no one had ever waited for me to have lunch together, I honestly was genuinely touched. I never told you that but today, I would like to thank you for that. 

 

Those were the better memories of course. Those I would always remember. Of course there were the worse ones, like the day I opened up to you about the problems I faced. You were angry at me, saying things that God would want me in such a state. I felt frustrated of course for you were missing my whole point. I would in the future agree with you.

 

You changed so many things for me.

 

I used to only listen to Korean pop, and now I can't stand hearing a song that you love. Those were the days you simply ranted about how good TaeYeon was, you would always be talking about their new photoshoot and how pretty they were. That was the way you influenced me. All those nights I wondered if we liked the same things would we somehow be more relatable to each other? And now, I've changed to a hardcore rock girl.

 

I used to love the colour blue, then you mentioned you favourite was purple. That was when purple became mine too. I remember how we fought over it when we were 6, saying that purple belonged to us. And it took our teacher time to tell us that we should stop. I remember how you came into the house system and you were placed in purple. I didn't say anything but I knew you were a purple from the start.

 

I used to fight for attention, always raising my hand whether I knew the answer of not. Mainly because that was what you did. Remember that time the teacher called me over you, and you argued with her? And after that you held a bitter shoulder between us? And now, we both have our own lives, mine in the quiet corner of the class room.

 

I used to love sports, I took up swimming and basketball, I was still taller than you then. You used to skip breaks and play basketball with our classmates. I couldn't afford to skip breaks for I needed food to keep myself from over exerting again. But whenever I was done I would sit at the ledge of the parapet, watching you play for the winning team. Now I can't play without thinking about how you'd enjoy it.

 

I used to wonder how people could be so unhappy to want to end their life; to have no hopes, dreams or happiness . Until I became one of them. That was when my opinion and thoughts of everything changed. Now, all I ever wish is that you are happy and that you will never have to go through this.

 

 

<feedback is always appreciated! have an amazing day>

 

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