Paralysed - When the fear is greater than the will

Ntsika is a 19 year old young man. He is a runner. As he he is faced with challenges in his sport and his life, he realises that the race to be great is only beginning. When he finds himself paralysed by fear, the doubt, loneliness, discouragement and worthlessness takes over. Does Ntsika have the will to keep going? Or will he remain PARALYSED?


0Likes
0Comments
977Views
AA

8. Chapter 8

“I have never in my life known such agony, such mental anguish. I feel as if my body is not my own. I have a perpetual headache; my head feels so heavy. I am at the brink of crying all the time. I feel worthless and alone. I feel as if everything that I touch turns into a mess. Failed relationship, very soon to be single mother, unable to help my little brother, failed career… I don’t even know where I will go from here and why I am even bothering with this business because it will fail. I am running out of funds. I am such a failure, everything has gone wrong. Absolutely everything.”

Marsha was lying on her bed facing the ceiling. She had been lying there for hours. She was alone in the house because Lindi and her mother were visiting Ntsika in prison. Her mother had never allowed her to visit Ntsika in prison because she was pregnant, saying that the bad energy was not good for an unborn baby.

Karabo had refused to settle the Ntsika issue out of court. He had survived a near death experience. The doctors had said that they did not know how he had survived. They had also said that his right arm would need to be amputated because the nerves were severely damaged, but almost a month later Karabo was starting to regain feeling in his fingers. It was very little but it was huge progress since he was told that his arm would never work again. Karabo was angry when he first got the news about his arm. Seeing it hanging limp on the side of his torso made him frustrated and powerless. Why was his arm and fingers not doing what his head was telling it to do? Immediately after being discharged he arranged to see a specialist, someone who could sort out this nerve issue and he was willing to pay anything, but more than that, he was willing to make sure that the person responsible for this paid dearly.

Marsha had tried to appeal to his Christianity, she had told Karabo that he was given a second chance at life and that he knew that Ntsika was unwell and that prison would not help him to become better.  She said that she would not bother him about the baby. All she wanted was for him to give her a chance at helping her little brother. Prison was not the answer. However, Karabo was unrelenting. Now Marsha was a few days from having the baby of the man who had put her little brother in prison and robbed him of the chance to fix his life. No wonder she was so depressed.

 

 

 

 

Fear - The opposite of love. “The one who fears has not been made perfect in love.”

It is said that there are only two emotions; love and fear. All emotions stem from either love or fear. All the positive emotions stem from love and the negative stem from fear.

Fear of not being good enough makes us insecure, fear of being hurt makes us unable to trust, fear of rejection can fill us with doubt or cynicism and hate is the result of so many different fears.

  It was Ntsika’s fear of being completely worthless and the fear of not liking what he saw in the mirror that lead him to believe the lie that a substance could take away that fear.

 It was Marsha’s fear of being unloved which lead her to go against her values and end up pregnant and alone. It was her fear of failure which gave her anxiety and depression.

Everyone in the family was not at peace, there was very little gratitude or love, but  instead, the constant fear that things could go wrong, the constant fear that life could never be good for people like them, that their current situation would stay the same or become worse. Nothing positive can come from thoughts and actions motivated by fear.

 

The prison was a place which was ruled by fear. The prisoners were scared of the wardens and the wardens were scared of the prisoners. The prisoners were scared of each other. There were alliances and corruption to secure a person’s safety. People came out of prison defeated or even angrier. Ntsika was becoming both. Every time his court date arrived only to find out that he was to come back on another day he began to believe that he would stay there forever. He believed that he was unloved and that nobody was doing anything to help him. Even though his sisters and mother were pleading with the public lawyer to have him treated as a mental patient and even asked the psychiatrists at ward 55 to write a letter to the magistrate. Even though he was getting at least one visitor every single week, he still believed that he was unloved. In the cells he, he secured his safety by making sure that everyone feared him. He was quiet most of the time and kept to himself, but if anyone so much as annoyed him, he became vulgar and aggressive and needed to be sedated. One time a warden was being cocky and bullying him on the way to breakfast. Ntsika used a broom to break a window and was stopped before he could use a piece of glass to stab the warden in the chest.

Lindi and her mother were arguing all the time. Lindi was very irritable and was blaming her mother for letting things get this far. She was also frustrated by her own personal issues regarding her career (finding a job after volunteering in Georgia was being quite a challenge). Marsha was suffering from post-natal depression and their mother was suffering from self-pity. Karabo was filled with contempt and he did not even want to see his new born.

Life seemed very bleak right now. But, something amazing was happening; thousands of men and women were responding to the many prayer requests that Marsha had posted on various Christian groups in desperation. She felt that she was too doubtful and unsure of her belief to pray so she asked others with more faith to pray. Thousands of people from various countries were praying for Ntsika and Marsha and the family.

 

Join MovellasFind out what all the buzz is about. Join now to start sharing your creativity and passion
Loading ...