The Proposition

Anger can be easy to feel but for some it's easier than others to feel that raging spark ignite.

Alexandra Henderson has always fought a constant battle with her anger. Made worse by the cocky Evan Escott who won't leave her alone at her new school, her aggravation at her step dad Mark and the constant pressures she faces, can she still fight it? And can she, as several pieces of her past haunt her, let the past be a lesson and learn to move on? Can she help herself to find a place where she can be happy and free?

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5. Five

~Chapter Five ~

I couldn't face art so I sat on the bench outside the school staring into the sky. It was cloudy and grey again. I felt exactly like it looked. I really didn't know what to do about Evan. 

I heard footsteps behind me and instantly regretted being here. Why now? It was Evan, again. He knew exactly how to turn up when I didn't want him to. 

"Don't want to do art either?" He questioned quietly and sat down on the bench next to me. 

I nodded slowly feeling the awkwardness hang in the air. It didn't feel right. Evan wasn't being himself and now I knew the truth I didn't know how to deal with him. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know whether there was anything I should say. I just didn't know. 

We sat in silence. 

I felt so bad inside. It wasn't just confusion from how Evan felt about me, it was about my personal problems too. How had I let my anger take over so much of my life? It was such a problem. I didn't want to feel constantly anxious that my anger would stop me from being a good person and stop me from seeing things openly. I didn't want to be that sort of person. 

"I'm sorry." I couldn't help saying it. I didn't want to be an angry, horrible person. He deserved an apology. 

I looked round at him and at his face. He looked confused and sad. So sad. Was it my fault? 

"Why are you apologising?" He questioned. 

I moved my hands awkwardly, studying my nails as though they were the most interesting thing in the world. I didn't know how to speak about my feelings. It felt wrong to talk to him in anything other than an angry tone. And that thought just made me feel worse. I couldn't put my anger aside to have a conversation with someone. Someone who loves me... 

I'm such a bad person. 

I looked up at him again and studied his face. I hoped it would give me answers to my unasked questions. I focused on trying not to think in the same opinionated way. Just think clearly like you did earlier, I told myself.  

His eyes. For the first time I noticed something more. They were so soft, as he looked at me it was as though I could just see affection in them. 

I snapped my eyes away. Did I feel unnerved by seeing more than face value? Yes, I really did. Putting aside my anger let me see more of his emotions. And it was unusual. 

I wished I could do this all the time. Push aside the rage and bad feelings, try to see the emotions and the good. 

"Alex," Evan spoke softly, just the sort of tone which went with the look in his eyes. Why hadn't I noticed this before? Maybe because I wasn't being so angry right now Evan felt more like he could be like this.  

I managed to choke out a response, "yes?" 

The soft expression did not fade as he continued to catch my gaze in his. For a moment I felt like I was hovering. Between my usual angry emotions and being calm. Maybe this was what being more relaxed was like? 

And was this all because of Evan and this moment? 

"I..." 

"Aren't you two supposed to be somewhere else?" A voice interrupted us and I fought the impulse to swear. It was Miss Rigley, the art teacher. 

Evan and I both turned to look back at her. 

"Couldn't this sweet little date have waited till after my lesson?" She next snapped at us. I felt suddenly stupid that we'd chosen to sit right outside school when bunking off a lesson. 

"Well Miss, you say anything is art right?" Evan was the first to speak back to her and he'd regained some of his cocky normal tone. 

Miss Rigley crossed her arms tightly looking exceptionally annoyed and confused at his statement. 

"Maybe we were just making art," he continued and I could see the smirk on his face. Miss Rigley made an angry noise and her facial expression radiated exactly how I felt sometimes. 

"I really hope that doesn't mean the bad things that it could," she almost growled at us before waving back at the school. "Get inside, the both of you." 

Certainly looked like Evan didn't just evoke anger in me, other people too. 

As we filed back into school Rigley strode in behind us reeling off some spiel about responsibility and rules and her disappointment in us. 

"Especially you, Alex, you've got catching up to do as it is and you're not doing yourself any favours." Her saying my name sparked more inside me. I hated being told off directly like this. 

I gripped the handle of my bag. Exploding at her wouldn't make it any better, I knew that. 

"You should both feel lucky that I'm not reporting you to the head!" She added in next. "But I swear if I ever see you smooching around school somewhere I will." 

'Smooching around school.' I really hoped she didn't mean what I thought she meant. It made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. 

"Don't you worry, Miss," Evan spoke up and I felt him place an arm around my shoulders. "We'll smooch in secret from now on." 

As Miss Rigley made a disgusted noise he winked at me. I forced his arm away, unable not to scowl at him. I think I preferred him in his quiet mood. All this must have been considered flirting (I knew now due to my recent realisation). It was all him though, nothing was reciprocated. It was just making me feel embarrassed but instead my immediate reaction was to feel angry and portray annoyance. 

"I think I prefer art," I snapped loud enough for Evan and Miss Rigley to hear. 

She held the art room door open for us to walk through. "I would agree." 

People stared as we rejoined the class and I tried my best to ignore the whispers. Evan still seemed to be grinning as he sat down at his friends table. They seemed to be as easily amused and kept casting looks over in my direction. 

I swallowed hard. I didn't like this. 

And I felt angrier again. I think it was because when he was quiet and unEvan like it made me think he was hurt by me, seeing him like this confirmed he wasn't. His fast transition from one emotion to the other was confusing yet it irritated me too. It made it all seem like a game. And I could just feel the anger in me clawing it's way to the front of my mind again. 

I'm still an angry person. Less oblivious but I was still angry. I tried hard today to think more, tried not to be so opinionated, tried not to lash out instantly in anger so much. I tried so hard. But I just can't seem to help myself... 

I'm fighting a losing battle. 

The anger is making it's way to the trophy but I don't want it to win. 

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