All I Have is This Moment...!!

"I felt I was in a different world. My vision seemed to have blurred. 3 images from my life had flashed in my mind... I din't know what was happening. I am probably dead, I thought.... An hour later, I switched on the lights, took my pen and started writing..." From the house of Khaas Bath & Lots More comes the next story "All I have is THIS MOMENT...!!!"

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1. All I Have Is This Moment...!!

 

How can you explain a blind man how a colour looks like? How can you explain someone the feeling of getting numb in pain? How can you explain someone how it feels to get blanked out sometimes? Right now, I am in the same position....

 

I felt I was in a different world.  My vision seemed to have blurred. In a distance, I could see myself standing with a girl in an empty road. I could see my eyes struck on her & my hands trembling with fear. I appear way too younger and not as a 28 year old man. I look 17!! Was I on a time machine??? I don’t know. The girl standing next to me was crying & I could see tears in my eyes too... Even in a distance, I could hear me scream, “Please don’t leave me. I can’t live without you.... We can probably sort things out. I cannot imagine myself in your absence. I will probably die.” She just said, “It’s all over now. I need to go. Please don’t bother me again & All the best for your life.” & left... Everything appeared to me in a slow motion. As she turned her back and walked away from the picture, I had started crying uncontrollably. I had screamed her name many times and she did not even care to turn back. It was Aditi & it was the day we broke up!! Probably I felt numb that day. I felt weak & a part of me wanted to die. I had no strength to get up and walk back. It was the pain of losing my FIRST LOVEI sat there for a long time until the place turned dark. When I walked back home, probably the only thought which ran through my mind on a loop was, “This pain can never be erased from my life just like my love for her.... This pain will be with me FOREVER to haunt me just like she continues to haunt me with her memories.”

 

A sudden distortion!! A sudden change of time!! & A sudden change of place!! I don’t know what is happening with me. I was now standing in front of a tall structure. I could see a tall building with numerous blocks, a half opened gate, a rocking campus & a lot of people. It was dark. I couldn’t see the words engraved on the entrance wall clearly but I am sure I know this place. Two minutes later, it struck to me that I was standing in front of my college. In a distance, I could see myself with a bunch of people wearing the graduation hat & walking with pride. I look 21!! Sorry, I was 21 then!! Hmmm... Am I really on a time machine??? I am not sure. Things seemed a bit clear now & the bunch of people along with me was my wonderful friends. They were the same people with whom I walked 3 years of my life together, the same people who knew me deep inside & loved me even with my imperfections, the same people who fought with me whenever they missed me, the same people who took me for granted every now and then like it was their right to do so, the same people who cared for me like an immediate family whenever I missed home, the same people who welcomed me with a hug everyday to make me feel I belong here, the same people who knew every detail of my crush stories & the same people who patted my back whenever I spoke to them about my dreams in life. There was no need for me to fill any autograph books and write about our favourite memories together as I strongly felt that we will continue to create new memories together. At that moment, I felt there was no need to give goodbye speeches and miss anyone as we would continue to meet everyone even in our busiest schedules in the future. I felt we would bump into each other every now and then and show the world we are FRIENDS FOREVER.  Just as we left for the day, I probably felt that this laughter, genuinity, freedom & our bondage will only continue & not change forever.... I felt that our amazing friendship will stay forever....

 

Another image had made its way to my mind just as a power point slide changes. This image looked absolutely strange now. I seriously now wondered was I dead and was the God of death showing me all the images from my past? I still couldn’t figure it out. I was standing in front of a retail joint of a mall which was crowded with people. In a distance, it seemed to me like a book store. I could see the people from media with huge cameras focusing their lens towards a person sitting in the middle. I was curious to know what was going on there. I struggled my way through the crowd to find out & to my surprise, I saw myself sitting there in the centre with some books piled up on my left and right. I look younger by 3 years. I look 25!! Am I really on a Time Machine??? Or am I dead? I still don’t know... But I can now figure this out. This was from the book launch function in Mumbai in a book store & I was donning the hat of the novelist in that event. My 3rd novel had hit the store and I was signing on the pre order copies of the novels, took questions from readers, read extracts from the new book & posed for pictures with all the fans. It was a moment of ecstacy!! I was driven in the happiness of my NEW FOUND FAME. I could see myself talking to various publishers who were trying to sign me in for the next contract for a whopping sum of money. When I walked out of that place with a never before attitude, I probably had felt that the FAME I enjoyed will stay with me forever. I felt that my work will be loved & in demand forever...

 

As I witnessed three episodes from my past for a reason which I can hardly make out, I didn’t know what was happening. “I am probably dead”, my mind had concluded. From the world of ILLUSIONS, a loud sound of thunder in the sky had made me wake up to REALITY. The whole episode was a DREAM!! I look at the time and the clock ticks at 2.35 A.M. I feel good knowing that I could move my body and I am not dead. I look at myself in the mirror & I feel assured when I look REAL at 28 years. I look at the sky from the window & reflect back. I wonder does this dream have anything significant to tell me. I am now lost in thoughts.

 

At the age of 17, when Aditi left me I had thought that the pain of losing her will haunt my life forever & could never be erased from my life. I had thought that I would never be able to forget her in my life. But the actual fact was that with time, I had moved on in life. I had stopped thinking about her & I was no longer craving for my lost love. In just a few months, my life was back on track. At the age of 21, when I graduated from my college I had thought that our lives will continue to stay the same. When we all screamed “FRIENDS FOREVER” together in unison, I had thought that our amazing friendship will stay forever and not change with time.  But with time, people changed, priorities changed, lives changed & the bondage had changed. New friends had made way & our weekly meetings had got converted into half yearly meets and even then everyone weren’t part of it. With time, Facebook Birthday reminders made us remember each other’s birthdays. With time, the only time we all met together was on a close friend’s marriage. A big group had now got converted into a nuclear one with just 4 to 5 besties who vow to be together till their last. Maybe the only thing which remained the same even with all these were those wonderful memories we had created for a lifetime....  In that case, was that friendship fake? No chance!! We all met for a reason and some parted without any reason. But we still wish good luck for each other. So friendship still exists but the intensity of it may have dipped.  At the age of 25, when I became a successful writer, I had presumed that the Fame I enjoyed then will stay with me forever. I had felt that my work will be loved & in demand forever. When my next 2 novels failed to recreate the same magic, both had turned out to be huge flops. Readers who had huge expectations had given thumbs down for them & publishers had suffered a huge loss. 10 publishers have rejected my latest manuscript & I am keeping my hopes alive to meet the 11th one. I wonder what happened to my success line!! I wonder what happened to my story telling skills!! I wonder what happened to my magical thought flow which once people had loved!!

 

Yes, it has struck me deep down now. These dreams had something for me to understand so that I can tell that to the WORLD. I switched on the lights, took my writing pad and a pen & started writing:

 

“FOREVER is always a myth. A promise to stay forever is the sweetest lie one can ever say. Nothing is permanent in this temporary life. Our life itself comes with a limited validity of a few years, a few months, a few days, a few minutes, a few seconds. We don’t even know which our next moment in life is. When our life itself is not forever, then Love, Family, Relationships, Career, Pain, Happiness, Money, Fame, nothing can stay in our life FOREVER. You can love a person only till your last breath and not for an eternity. Even Relationships do not come with a Guarantee tag. They say CHANGE is the only thing that is constant in life. So with time, even people can change, emotions can change, ambitions can change & even destiny can change. When everything can change with time, what else can stay forever? The only thing which counts in life is “THIS MOMENT.”

 

If I am happy this moment, I am LIVING my LIFE. If I am enjoying what I do, I am LIVING my LIFE. If I appreciate my life every moment, I am LIVING my LIFE. Otherwise it’s just survival!!  There is always a TOMORROW for a new hope, a fresh start & to chase your dreams...!! But there is no tomorrow to postpone your happiness, to enjoy the moment & to love someone. Every moment in life is a priceless possession because they in turn become our wonderful memories. So, love people like you have never loved before, dream about something like you have never dreamt before, work like you have never worked before &enjoy like you have never enjoyed before. Because we don’t live FOREVER.  All we have is THIS MOMENT”.

 

 

 -  Naveen.S.N

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