Perfect

“I’m sorry,” He says.

“No, you’re not.” I argue, eyes remaining forwards.

“Yes, I am.” He states, firmly.

“No, you are not. You never fully accept other’s apologies, so why should I accept your half-assed one?” I explain.

“How do you know?” He raises an eyebrow at me while rocking on his heels.

“You never wanted to be involved, strings attached or not. So why the fuck would you apologize?”

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4. Chapter Four

A small vibration wakes me up from my sleep.

 

Smol Bean.

 

Oh fuck, what now?

 

I said I’d text you back (: - Jordan

 

Yea, yea you did - Me

 

You know, you shouldn’t push Jordan away so much. It makes him feel bad - Jordan

 

Are you talking about yourself in third person? - Me

 

Yea, I do that when I’m drunk ;P - Jordan

 

Okay. What the fuck?

 

I stare my phone for a bit, wondering what the hell was happening. Then another vibration interrupts my conversation with Jordan.

 

I have a problem where I don’t reply to anyone sometimes - Jake

 

Yeah well no shit, Sherlock! Two conversations with two drunks… God this is going to get bad…

 

I don’t have emotions how can I stress that enough - Jake

 

I am not guilt tripping you

The hell?

Sir, I myself flat out refuse relationships, so remove that thought and let me explain so we can be on the same damn page - Me

 

I tell you I can’t date, yet people tell me you have all these plans to date me - Jake

 

Hmm, funny. Because I don’t recall mentioning that.

I do remember saying something about caring though. But I care about every..? - Me

 

Please, I just want this to be over with - Jake

 

Okay.

There. Done. Let go of - Me

 

Okay so why do you keep asking where I stand with you?

I don’t want to hurt you, I just want you to move on - Jake

 

Whoa. Wait, what!? Did he just-

 

What!?

 

Does he mean…

 

Because, I’d rather you tell me yourself than have five different people tell me different things - Me

 

I want you to be happy with someone else because I can’t offer that - Jake

 

He can’t possibly mean that he… no.

 

No. No. NO.

 

I don’t want a fucking relationship, that’s a blissful tragedy waiting to happen. Fuck that - Me

 

And I don’t know what those things are that people tell you, you have to be upfront with me

I can’t guess when I can’t see you - Jake

 

You want upfront. He wants upfront? Oh God, this is going to be a huge mistake. I’m going to regret this…

 

Upfront. Okay, I’m somewhere in between fuck you but fuck me.

It’s annoying as hell - Me

 

Kill myself. Oh, I’m so dead.

 

That makes no sense - Jake

 

Yea, I know. That’s why it’s annoying

One minute I’m pissed off and want nothing to do with you and the next minute I have no problem with making out. It’s irritating as hell. And it’s honestly only based off your behavior - Me

 

I wait a while for the current topic to subside before introducing my second problem with him. I guess things were getting through to him now. Maybe I should do this more often.

 

Well that and I generally feel embarrassed to ask for your time because you put up this exterior that makes me think you want nothing to do with me. - Me

 

There, I said it. I feel inadequate to him. Whatever he says next will determine everything.

 

God damn it Lizz, I like to hang out with you, I fear that I’m just a sociopath and I use people to get what I want. I don’t want that, I am trying to deny what I am. And I’m falling apart in the process. I can only take so much before I can’t. Sometimes I have to back away from people because I get too involved. I don’t want to be needed, I can’t because I just tear people down and I don’t know what happened. And I have so many walls that I can’t take down and that’s what allows me to stay me. I know you aren’t telling me all that you feel, and I’m OK with that. I don’t make up my mind if you ask me how I’m feeling it’s going to be ‘meh’ because I don’t feel anything. - Jake

 

I stare at my screen but not sympathetically. No, that emotion left a long time ago. I should feel bad, I should give him delicate responses. But I can’t. I’m far too mad.

 

He never texted first. He never made plans. He never talked to me first or asked about my day. No. He was never really ‘there’. Uh-uh.

 

Okay, let’s make this easy. What do you want? - Me

 

I don’t know what I want

My only boundary is dating and I think we covered that - Jake

 

Oh yea, loud and clear

Okay.. Different question. What should I be expecting? At least, behavior wise.. - Me

 

Idk probably the same person, just a little more there - Jake

 

Right. Okay. Got it.

 

With that being said, I shut off my phone and go back to bed.


 

~

 

Fa-lump.

 

The chair underneath me rocks a little bit. Irritably, my foot repeatedly bangs into the leg of the chair while my finger nails drill across the table. My brows furrow while a frown is stretched across my face.

 

I want everyone to see how pissed I am.

 

Today is Friday. I have missed yesterday and have to make up work which just adds onto my whole Jake fiasco over text.

 

I ended up making him out to be some ‘criminal’ - his words not mine. But it’s whatever, I was done with everything. We were fine up until winter break. Then both him and Lane got all weird on me.

 

Naturally, I freaked out. I snapped at Jake over text. I kept checking up on Lane and now everything is all over the place.

 

“Lizz, you look like you’re gonna kill someone.” Jessie says, concerned.

 

“Because I am.” I state.

 

Instead of making eye-contact with anyone, I stare straight ahead of me where a tall, blond, asshole is located. His hair is all disheveled with ends sticking up in every direction. His plaid pajama pants don’t match his sweatshirt or shoes.

 

Everything was a mess.

 

But how is that right? How can he be a mess? He’s the one that has everything together.

 

God dammit Lizz, I do like hanging out with you. I just fear that I am a sociopath and I use people to get what I want.

 

No! Stop. You can’t say that. You can’t. That’s not okay.

 

“Dammit.” I mutter under my breath.

 

I can’t think about that now.

 

“What?” Jessie asks.

 

“It’s nothing.” I wave off, hoping she won’t press for more answers.

 

I refuse to think about this more. This won’t help anything. It’ll only fuck me up more if I continue to dwell on it.

 

Jordan wanders over to me, giving me a hug but I never move to hug him back. I’m too busy being hung up on that argument. I thought it would sort everything out and all my questions would be answered.

 

He was ‘drunk’ wouldn’t he spill everything his sober mind thinks? I guess not.

 

The bell rings and I’m off to my first class.

 

~
 

Throughout the day, I couldn’t help but ball my fists and glare at everything. Nothing was going how I expected but at the same time, what did I expect?

 

Was I expecting him to apologize and actually put effort into whatever the fuck this is? Was I expecting him to lash out at me as well maybe, give me a better excuse to be upset with him? What. What was I looking for?

 

Because the response he gave me definitely wasn’t it.

 

‘A little more there’

 

You hardly ever are here! You hardly show an expression, let alone tell anyone how you feel. Granted you are ‘sociopathic…’ Do you enjoy watching me suffer in anger? Do you ‘get off’ to my pain?

 

No. At least I would hope so.

 

Although, conveniently he wasn’t around to see any of my expressions. He wasn’t by the tables this morning or the upper gym during lunch. I didn’t see him at the stairs for the buses. Half of me thinks he’s purposefully avoiding me.

 

I spent a good portion of my passing time looking for him. But he just wasn’t there.

 

Not like he ever was to begin with.

 

Sure we might’ve talked or something but I never had that emotional connection with him like I have with Jordan or Jessie or Ashley. He just… existed in my life. He hasn’t really impacted me like I was expecting him to.

 

“Lizz! Hello!” Kenna screams, waving her hands in my face. “Are you even in there?”

 

“No,” I answer, bluntly.

 

Ashley rubs my back and it finally hits me that it’s lunch.

 

“If you aren’t doing anything in Drama, you can hang out in the back room of Welsh’s,” Kenna tells me. “She lets me do it on my ‘emotional’ days.”

 

I nod my head while Ashley explains everything we covered in Drama during the past few days. We just finished ‘Showcase’ so now it’s the play analysis -which we pretty much have finished.

 

Ashley and I follow MacKenna to her classroom where she convinces her teacher to let us sit in the backroom. I explain to both of them the conversation I had that brought me here, Ash explains her friend’s suicide while Kenna just explains her life.

 

“Jake just asked me what’s wrong with you…” Ashley tells me.

 

“Jordan pretty much just texted me the samething.” I say.

 

“Tell Jake if he wants to know so badly, he can ask me himself. My friends don’t have the right to explain it, as of now.” I state, sassily.

 

Kenna chokes but nods in agreement.

 

Honestly, why am I always the one to make the move? He’s perfectly capable of putting in effort.

 

I frown when my phone vibrates with his name on it.

 

“You wanted him to contact you..” Kenna says, nodding her head in the direction of the classroom.

 

I sigh.

 

What has you in such a bad mood? - Jake

 

Nothing - Me

 

He doesn’t text me back after that.

 

As of now, I refuse to open up to him anymore. He’s not going to get much of the truth out of me until he proves he’s worth that trouble. As of right now, he isn’t worth a penny to me.

 

“What’d you tell him?” Ashley asks, glancing at my phone.

 

“Nothing.” I shrug.

 

“But you made such a big deal about him contacting Jordan and I?” She questions, confused.

 

“What is he going to do… Apologize for not giving a shit?” I reply, melodramatically.

 

“He bought me flowers back when I dated him.” Kenna says, unimpressed.

 

I roll my eyes. Yea, that was last year. I didn’t know any of them until this fall.

 

“He seems to actually care about you though.” I argue.

 

“Actually, he didn’t care. You see, he cheated on me with three different girls at the same time.” Kenna explains.

 

However she didn’t seem to care about that. She’s holding no grudge, her tone of voice didn’t change either. It was no big deal to her.

 

“Well… I think he cares but he’s scared.” Ashley throws out her idea.

 

Her idea starts to run in my mind. All of Jake’s actions towards me get analyzed for the umpteenth time. The pushing away, the short answers, the distance, everything. Her idea makes sense to me.

 

“Well… It makes sense. I mean, he puts distance when people get too close.” Kenna agrees.

 

The girls talk about that while I stay quiet.

 

Of course it would make sense. He’s always alone and off in his own mind. His laughs always seemed fake. His hugs were never fulfilling, as if he wasn’t there when he hugged you. It’s just tons of little things that never made sense until now.

 

“Define ‘too close’.” I tell Kenna.

 

“When he starts to care.” She answers, slighting confused.

 

“How do you know he starts to care?” I press.

 

“He puts distance between you and himself.”

 

‘I want you to be happy with someone else because I can’t offer that

 

So wait, does that mean he cared about me or did he like me?


“Oh shit.” I mutter.

 

 

 

A/N: I don't think I edited this one as much as the previous, so excuse the mistakes. I'll get around to them as soon as possible. Like and comment if you wish. Any ideas, feel free to message me or however you work this stuff

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