Duh Written Show

It's an ongoing series about two idiots figuring out adult life mistake after mistake.

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1. TRUE LOVE

                               Episode 1: True Love

 

 

It’s 8pm on a Wednesday night. Darryl’s Hideaway, a local biker bar, is barely alive with middle-aged alcoholics and elderly bikers. Two young and spry bachelors sit together at a table, tapping their glasses in celebration.

 

Alex: To our new fuck pad!

Rusty: Yes! Ladies beware, walking through the front door is consent.

Alex: We need that printed on our doormat.

Rusty: I have to say, it feels like after 22 years of bad luck, life is finally going my way.

Alex: Because we’re renting your mom’s house?

Rusty: That and Amanda has been texting me for the past few days.

Alex: Mother of Dragons? Congratulations man. It’s about time. Have you hung out with her?

Rusty: Not yet. She’s currently in Puerto Rico with Shelly and Amber. But her and douchebag broke up.

Alex: Hold on a second. She’s in Puerto Rico? She’s with Shelly and Amber? And her and Dustin aren’t together anymore?

Rusty: That’s right, buddy. She gets back next week sometime.

Alex: Are you fucking kidding me?

Rusty: What?

Alex: You know she isn’t a good girl anymore, right?

Rusty: Fuck off!

Alex: Dude, right at this moment, she is probably in the back of some dance club, annihilated off ecstasy, getting dance fucked by some dirty Puerto Rican stripper. That’s not America, it’s just a territory; they live by their own rules.

Rusty: She wouldn’t do that. You idiot. You don’t know her like I do.

Alex: What do you think they’re doing out there? Checking out Puerto Rican libraries? I don’t see them hiking through a rainforest. Rusty, all I’m saying is, she’s not an innocent 16-year-old virgin anymore. She’s in her 20’s. She just broke up with her boyfriend, she’s with her slutty friends, she’s on the hunt for cock, and another country is the perfect place to get some free fucks off the record.

Rusty: In any other case you’d be making valid points, but in this case you’re wrong. We’ve had this strange connection since high school. As gay as it sounds, it’s true love. I can feel it. Every time she’s broken up with him she’s come to me. She’s really in love with me, not him. She’s just been too nice to dump this kid. She has a kind heart. I’m telling you, this is it: the turning point in my life.

Alex: Well good luck to you. I’m glad you’re fine with coming in second to a crack head. Oh and a thief. And a kid I’ve seen get beat up, then walk away crying, at least five times. At least.

Rusty: Second still get’s a medal, bitch. I don’t look good in gold anyways.

Alex: I think yours is gonna be more like a participation trophy.

 

Like every other weekday the night ended with far too many shots ingested, spilled drinks, stained clothes, and uncoordinated dancing with wrinkly out-of-shape biker hags.

The following morning came with a couple of pounding headaches. Alex is trying to sleep his off but Rusty has come bursting into his room to share some great news.

 

Rusty: You have to come see this shit.

Alex: No.

Rusty grabs Alex by his ankles, pulling him halfway off the bed.

Alex: Stop asshole!

Rusty: I’m about to change your life. Come here.

Alex reluctantly follows Rusty into his room.

Alex: I have class later and we still have to hit the gym before that. I need at least another hour of sleep. My head feels like I was hit with a bat. All on the right side too.

Rusty clicks a link on his computer. A webpage full of pictures of naked girls opens. He scrolls down to a chubby girl with pale skin and pierced nipples.

Rusty: Who does that look like?

Alex fixes his eyes as he tries to identify the pale plumper.

Alex: Is that Meghan Thompson?

Rusty: Yeah! (yells excitedly)

Alex: Ew. Is she sexting you?

Rusty: No it’s this website.

Alex: Sexy ear book?

Rusty: No, Sex Year Book. It’s this site that you pick your state and area code and it’s all these naked picture of girls from your town.

Alex: What? That is fucking awesome. Who else is on here?

Rusty: Check this out. I think you’ll know this one. (laughs)

Alex: Is that fucking Shelby?

Rusty can’t contain his laughter.

Alex: Are you fucking kidding, why would you show me a naked picture of my little cousin?

Rusty: I already busted one to her this morning. Damn, she has a nice set of titties.

Alex: What? She’s fourteen years old.

Rusty: So what? It’s not like I fucked her.

Alex: You’re a fucking pedophile!

Rusty: How? It’s just a picture.

Alex: That’s kiddie porn bitch! You’re like Jared from Subway. That’s what he got arrested for. Same shit.

Rusty: Yeah, but I know her.

Alex: That’s probably worse.

Rusty: Shit. I didn’t think of it like that. Let’s just pretend I didn’t say anything.

Alex: Good idea.

Rusty: I can’t wait till she turns sixteen though.

Alex: That’s still illegal.

Rusty: Not with parental consent.

Alex: Yeah I don’t think my aunt and uncle are gonna give consent to that. You’re a dirt bag. And you smell like shit. But shut up about Shelby. How did you find this site?

Rusty: Nick sent me a link of this video. He said “Must watch.” It’s just taking forever to download. It’s still on 1 percent. But then I just saw all these hoes I knows.

Alex: How do they get all these pictures?

Rusty: I think it’s like guys they’re sexting post them on here. Jeremy probably posted that one.

Alex: Goddamn it really does smell in here.

Alex looks at the wastebasket under Rusty’s desk. It was completely full of balled up tissues and one peanut butter cup wrapper.

Alex: You really jerk off that much?

Rusty: I blow my nose sometimes too, man. But I did just squeeze out three batches to this website. It’s like a whole new world.

Alex: I can’t nut with just pictures.

Rusty: It’s different when you know the person, though. Comes out pretty easy.

 

Alex walks out to the kitchen.

Rusty: Try plunging it to your little cousin. I guarantee you’ll pop.

Alex: If you mention her one more time, I will cut off your head and Fed-Ex it to your mom’s house. I’ll pay for overnight shipping too.

Rusty: Well make sure you leave a return address so she can send a thank-you card.

Alex popped a couple ibuprofen and chugged from a water jug. Rusty walked into the living room and laid on the couch. Looking for something on the television.

Alex: We should get to the gym by eleven.

Rusty: I’ve been thinking, I think I’m gonna take a break from the gym for a while.

Alex: That’s stupid. You’ve only been going for two weeks.

Rusty: Yeah but, I think I’m too muscular. Girls don’t like real muscular guys.

Alex: You’re too muscular?

Rusty: Yeah I’ve been seeing all these posts on facebook and these girls all have fetishes for dad-bods now. So I think I’m gonna just chill out and grow a dad-bod.

Alex: Go look in the mirror. You are the epitome of dad-bod. In fact you’re more teetering towards pregnant teenage girl-bod.

Rusty: Leonardo DiCaprio has a dad-bod and gets tons of pussy.

Alex: He also has a ton of money, is good-looking, and charming and is one of the best actors of all time.

Rusty: I’m charming.

Alex: No you’re more abrasive and obscene and you disgust girls when you speak. Which is why the good majority of girls we know, hate you.

Rusty: Whatever. At least I have my main bitch. My ride or die. Only a couple more days till she gets back.

Alex: Yeah and you find out about all her Puerto Rican venereal diseases.

Rusty: Exotic diseases are sexy. And we’ll share those diseases till death do us part.

Alex: Whatever man. I’m just gonna go to the gym now then. I guess.

Alex retreats into his room.

Rusty: Ok. I’m gonna hit up Shelby and see what she’s doing today. Her and her friends might need alcohol or something.

 

A couple hours later Alex arrives home from the gym. Rusty is passed out on the couch. The four-foot bong is sitting on the floor next to him and a plate that has streaks of sauce from pizza rolls is on the coffee table. Impractical Jokers reruns are streaming on the TV.

Alex: Yo Russ, wake up.

Rusty: Why?

Alex: I have to tell you something.

Rusty: What? Is that guy still hitting on you in the gym bathroom?

Alex: Yeah, but that’s not what it’s about.

Rusty grabbed a cigarette and headed out to the patio.

Rusty: I feel like the old men in there don’t even work out. They literally go to the gym just to stand in there naked and hold eye contact.

Alex: I have to tell you something.

Rusty: I actually have to tell you something too.

Alex: Ok.

Rusty: Amanda is moving in.

Alex: What?

Rusty: What, What?

Alex: Did you actually ask her or are you just saying that?

Rusty: I did. She said as long as she could bring her dog then she’s in.

Alex: I’ll believe it when I see it. Anyways, you said you had Ms. Hillary last semester, right?

Rusty: Yeah, Jabba the Hutt’s older fatter sister.

Alex: Right.

Rusty: With Narcolepsy.

Alex: Right.

Rusty: What? She fall asleep in class today? That shits hilarious. I remember this kid bet me I couldn’t make a paper ball into her mouth…

Alex: No. You know that this is my last pre req before I get my AA. And her class is really fucking hard.

Rusty: Yeah, I failed it.

Alex: Well I was failing too and I slept through my alarm clock a couple of times and missed a couple quizzes.

Rusty: Which shouldn’t count against you cause that bitch sleeps through her own lectures.

Alex: Well now I’m not failing anymore. I actually have an A.

Rusty smirks. Alex remains silent

Rusty: (whispers) you fucked her? Gross.

Alex: She was blunt as hell about it. She straight up told me if I did, I’d get an A. But now I’m kind of scared to go back.

Rusty: I don’t blame you. Just imagining peeling off that Wal Mart dress with the pictures of the kittens and yarn.

Alex: Yeah. She still has that one.

Rusty: How was her chunky monkey?

Alex: (looks disgusted) It was very unkempt. No trimming going on, whatsoever. I don’t think her arms are long enough to even wash it.

Rusty: Goddamn that’s gross. I don’t know why I’m getting a boner right now. Why do you still have to go if she’s gonna give you an A?

Alex: I don’t know. We didn’t really lay out the rules. I just saw my grade changed this morning. I don’t know if that means I’m good for the semester or if she just jumped me up and I have to maintain it.

Rusty: I bet it’s like a weekly basis thing. Either you turn in your homework or pull down them bloomers.

Alex: I need to find out, cause I’m not gonna fuck her again.

Rusty: Well don’t rule it out. At least keep it as an option. You never know when you’ll be in a drought.

Alex: This is gonna be really awkward.

Rusty: What you should do is record yourself asking her, that way you can just blackmail her.

Alex: That’s actually a pretty good idea.

 

When the clock hit 3:15, the class got up and left. Ms. Hillary was asleep in her chair. Alex waited for everyone to leave before approaching her. He poked her. She made a phlegmy cough as she woke and then cleared her throat.

 

Ms. Hillary: Alex?

She grabbed his hands

Ms. Hillary: I was hoping you’d stop by after class.

Alex: Yeah, I was wondering if I still had to come to class?

Ms. Hillary: Alex, did you notice the energy between us the other night?

Alex: Um

Ms. Hillary: I’ve never really been loved before. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about anybody else. You make me want to change for you. I could get surgery. I could become anyone you want me to be.  As long as I can be with you.

Alex: Yeah… I… Um

Ms. Hillary: I know I’m moving really fast. And I’m putting a lot on you, but if you feel anything. Anything at all. Just show up to class Tuesday.

He stared into her sad fat eyes.

Alex: Yes ma’m

Alex drove straight from school to Puttana’s Pizzeria. A dusty old whore of a woman was behind the counter.

Old Bitch: You have to pick up the slack tonight.

Alex: Where’s Rusty?

Old Bitch: He called out sick.

 

Later that night when Alex arrived home, Rusty’s door was closed. The lights were off. He met some friends at Darryl’s. The following morning Alex got a text message from the old whore who owned Puttana’s, Ms. Dina. It said, “Rusty called out again. Can you open for him?” Alex was hungover once again and he was pissed. He banged on Rusty’s door.

Alex: Are you really sick? Cause I’m hungover as fuck. I don’t want to work today.

Rusty answered the door with his sheets wrapped around him like a cloak.

Rusty: I have nothing to live for. My life is meaningless.

Alex: Why?

Rusty: I’ve been in love with this girl for five years. She’s all I ever think about from morning till night.

Alex raised his eyebrows and covered his mouth.

Alex: (whispers) Plane crash?

Rusty: Worse. Watch this.

He sat down at the computer and played the video that was on his screen.

Rusty: It finished downloading.

The video started out with a pretty blonde girl sitting on a couch. Alex knew this girl as Amanda, the love of Rusty’s life. The voice from behind the camera was from her douchebag, now ex, boyfriend.

Amanda: You seriously can’t show this to anyone.

Dustin: I know.

Amanda: This is more for you than me.

Dustin: You know you’re gonna like it baby.

Just then two big buff black men walked into frame. One of the black men immediately squeezed her titty and smiled. He had gold front teeth.

Guy#1: You sure you okay with this, man?

Dustin: I’m sure.

Alex: (amazed) What the fuck are we watching right now?

Rusty wiped his eyes with his sheets. They watched as the huge men pulled off her clothes and she took turns blowing each one.

Alex: Jesus Christ. They’re like big black boa constrictors. How do you walk around with something that thick in your pants? Seems uncomfortable. No wonder they wear their pants so low.

Rusty watched in pain. He couldn’t help but watch the tears stream down her face as she was violently piped from both ends.

Alex: I bet any girl who says giving birth is the most painful experience hasn’t done this.

The video panned away from the couch as Dustin turned it on himself. He had a couple tears rolling down his cheek.

Alex: See, I told you. That pussy is always crying.

The camera pointed down, revealing that he was jerking it while watching his girlfriend get plowed.

Alex: Jesus Christ! Turn this shit off. I’ve seen enough.

Rusty paused the video. They were both silent for a minute. They were both disgusted.

Alex: You know what? I gotta see how it ends.

Rusty: Yeah

Rusty hit play again. He fast-forwarded it.

Alex: All over her face, huh. Oh nope, she opened her mouth. And there it goes. You know, I hear that’s good protein. That’s a lot. She looks like she just dunked her face in a bowl of banana pudding.

The video ended. Rusty dried his face with the sheets again.

Rusty: I feel like there’s no hope. Like this is a sign from God that I should kill myself. I thought I knew her. She seemed so sweet and innocent. I really don’t know what to do. Should I kill her?

Alex: I don’t think you should kill her, man. I’m pretty sure she’s not too shy to fuck anymore, so you should probably still hit her up when she gets back.

Rusty: You think I could fill that Mandingo sized hole left in her?

Alex: I obviously feel bad for you, but it’s hard not to feel kind of bad for her too. After seeing that.

Rusty: She looked like she was being tortured. Poor girl. I just want to give her a hug. But at the same time I want to snap her fucking neck.

Alex: You know what you should do? You should fuck all of her friends.

Rusty: Yeah?

Alex: Yeah if you say she cares about you. And she knows you care about her, you should tell her to go fuck herself and then sleep with all her friends. She’ll have no idea what’s going on and she’ll feel really shitty about herself. Like you do right now. Eye for an eye. Nut for a nut.

Rusty: That’s a great fucking idea.

Alex: Feel a little better?

Rusty: I actually do.

Alex: Good, I’m not working for you bitch.

 

A couple hours later Alex and Rusty are sitting together at the bar. As you might imagine a biker bar at 11am is full of lonely people.

 

Alex: I can’t believe you got Joey to work a double.

Rusty: I told him that he could come hang out later if he did.

Alex: Ugghh (Mongo growl) Joey! Hey, Max. Another one.

The bartender, Max brings another beer for Alex.

Max: Hey you see that dude that just pulled up on the blue chopper?

Alex: Yeah?

Max: I fucked that guy.

Rusty: That’s cool, man.

Max walks away and continues polishing glasses.

Rusty: Max is so weird. He gets on my nerves sometimes.

Alex: He’s funny.

Rusty: I feel like if you guys weren’t friends in high school, we would never actually talk to him.

Alex: Why are you hating on Max?

Rusty: All he ever talks about is the guys he’s fucked and the guys he wants to fuck.

Alex: Yeah. Who knew there were so many queer bikers?

Rusty: I’m just saying. Maybe talk about something else besides sex. (sips beer) Anyways, did you fuck your professor again?

Alex: No, but apparently she’s fallen in love with me and fooled herself into thinking that I’m in love with her too. Kind of like you with Amanda.

Rusty: Wounds too fresh, man.

Alex: Sorry.

Rusty: So you made an impression on her, huh. You’re probably the first one to take her up on her offer. No one else is that stupid. Except maybe me, but she never asked.

Alex: She told me that if I feel anything whatsoever, to show up to class on Tuesday so she’ll know.

Rusty: So just don’t show up.

Alex: I can’t do that, man. It’ll crush her. I already feel really bad. I should just go there and let her down easy.

Rusty: (Laughs) You’re gonna end up hitting that again.

 

Tuesday afternoon comes. After a very late Monday night of drinking, Alex wakes up.

Alex: Shit! I slept through my fucking alarm again.

Alex storms out of his room. He sees Rusty sitting on the patio, smoking a joint.

Rusty: Good afternoon. Isn’t it a beautiful day?

Rusty passes the joint to Alex. Alex hits it.

Alex: I slept through my alarm again.

Rusty: Wow! That is some story. But I think mine is better.

Alex: What?

Rusty: I got this text from Nick, right? He told me that his girlfriend said that earlier at school, the entire B building had to evacuate the premises.

Alex: Why?

Rusty: Apparently, some crazy economics teacher pulled a pistol out of her purse and blew her brains out all over the chalkboard.

Alex: Jeez.

Rusty: Yep. Ms. Hillary Private Pyled herself in front of the whole classroom. If you think about it, problem solved. Everyone is probably gonna get an A now.

Alex: (still shocked) Yeah.

Rusty: Also, if you think about it, that kind of makes you a murderer.

Alex: Shut the fuck up! Asshole. That’s not funny.

Rusty: I’m just being blunt man. You technically killed her. At least no one knows that but us.

Alex: True.

Alex looked at Rusty who had a wide smirk.

Alex: Don’t judge me bitch. At least I’m not a pedophile.

Rusty: I’d rather be a pedophile than a murderer.

Alex: What? No one would rather be a pedophile. Think about it, I’m like the buff Mexican guy with the face tattoos in the prison yard, you’re the skinny bald guy with a thin mustache getting his head beaten in with a dumbbell.

Rusty: Oh yeah. I didn’t think about it like that.

Alex: And you’re in love with a whore.

 

 

                                     TO BE CONTINUED>>>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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