Duh Written Show

It's an ongoing series about two idiots figuring out adult life mistake after mistake.

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6. STRAIGHT GAY

               EPISODE 6: STRAIGHT GAY

 

It’s 10:30 on a Sunday morning. Alex is trying his best to stay focused as he is drilling to the core of Ruth’s colon. Ruth is ripping the pillowcase with her teeth.

Ruth: Can we take a break real quick?

Alex: Goddammit. If you would just shut up for five minutes we could get this over with.

Ruth: Well why does it have to be in my ass?

Alex: I told you that’s the only way I can cum now. Plus, your asshole is bleached. That’s a clear invitation. It’s like a vagina tattoo. Or a tongue ring. Girls who have tongue rings walk around upset because there isn’t a dick in their mouth at all times.

Ruth: Well I don’t want a dick in my ass at all times.

Alex: Does it feel like you’re pooping when I’m back there, by the way?

Ruth: What?

Alex: Like does my dick feel like a big poop?

Ruth: No. What the fuck?

Alex: I don’t know, Rusty just brought up an interesting point the other day.

Ruth: Listen. My son is gonna be home soon.

Alex: Son?

Ruth: Yeah, remember I told you I had a son. He’s getting home from basic training today.  He flew in from South Carolina this morning. And he should be here any minute, so we need to hurry up. I want you to meet him.

Alex: Army?

Ruth: Yeah.

Alex: You know what Army stands for, right?

Ruth: What?

Alex: Aint Ready to be Marines Yet. I love fucking with the pussies that join the Army. Does he know I’m a former marine?

Ruth: I can’t remember if I told him or not.

Alex: Whatever. Let’s hurry up. I gotta meet Rusty at B-Dubs.

As he shoves her face back in the pillow he hears the front door open and close.

Soldier: Mom! I’m here.

Alex: Too late.

Alex leaps out of her. He quickly shoves two fingers in her for good measure.

Ruth: One second honey!

Alex swings open the bedroom door and speed walks towards the kid. His boner pointing straight at him.

Alex: Hey, check this out.

Before the kid has enough time to process what is happening, Alex takes his well-lubricated index and middle finger and wipes it across the soldier’s lips and nose.

Alex: That’s your Mom.

The kid starts spitting and vigorously wiping his face to get all of his mother’s sweet pickle juice off. Alex flexes his arms as he walks away.

Alex: Marine Corps! Oooooh Rah!

Alex closes the bedroom door behind him and finishes the job.

Rusty is at his dad’s house. His dad is giving him old clothes that he either doesn’t want or don’t fit anymore. He has just dropped some heavy news.

Rusty: I can’t fucking believe this shit.

Dad: People change. It’s part of life.

Rusty: Dad, you’ve been openly gay the last twelve years of my life. Now all of the sudden you’re straight again? Like make up your mind, dude. You can’t just keep switching back and forth. Like ‘remember when I was gay for a little bit?’ People don’t do that shit. You get one sexual orientation change.

Dad: You’re being a little cunt. Calm down. I get tired of the same thing after a while. You should think of changing your game up. Maybe try looking for a girl or something. You need a change of scenery.

Rusty: For the thousandth fucking time, I’m not gay. And why does everyone keep telling me to ‘change my game up’?

Dad: Because you’re an idiot. You’re 23 years old and you don’t have a girlfriend. I’m pretty sure you’ve never had a girlfriend. So I think either gay or virgin.

Rusty: Here we go again. I’m just particular. I’m not gonna settle for some uninteresting duck-faced whore. I’d rather work for what I deserve.

 Dad: Deserve? You’ve never done one thing in your life to deserve anything. You should take whatever you can get. You’re not going to college; you work at a pizza parlor. You’re going nowhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re the serial killer the news is talking about. Did you hear about those bodies they found? One of them was a priest. Tragic.

Rusty: Of course I did. And I’ve slept with a bunch of girls by the way. I guarantee my number is bigger than yours.

Dad: Jesus. Really? Because I’m at 64. And I’ve already got three fucking dates set up this week from Tinder. Two of them are 18. This shits insanely easy now a days.

Rusty: 64? Like girls and guys?

Dad: No. You don’t wanna know how many guys I’ve been with.

Rusty: What? How does that happen? You met Mom in like 9th grade.

Dad: I put some time in early. And of course what you’re mother doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Plus it hasn’t been all cock these past 12 years either.

Rusty: Jesus fucking Christ. Your number is bigger than mine. By a lot. I was thinking Mom was probably the only girl. And I didn’t know you cheated on her. Of course you did. 64 goddamn.

Dad: Yeah, I know my numbers bigger.

Rusty: Well anyways, I’m working on girl right now. To date. And probably eventually marry. She’s a dime. Huge ass.

Dad: What is she retarded? They have big asses.

Rusty: No she’s not retarded. Her boyfriend just died. Today’s his funeral actually. So basically…I’m on call.

 Dad: Her boyfriend just died? How’d he die?

Rusty: He’s actually one of the bodies they found in the stick marsh.

Dad: You’re definitely making that up. Listen I don’t care if you think you’re gay or not. You’ll come out when you’re ready.

Rusty: Jesus Christ Dad, I’m not fucking gay. Why do people think that?

Dad: Pick out whatever shirts you want. Throw the rest in a trash pile.

His father watches him pick shirts out of the pile.

Dad: See, now you’re picking the gayest shirts I own.

Rusty: It’s not my fault I have gay style. You basically raised me to be gay.

Dad: I didn’t raise you to be shit.

Rusty: Dad, I grew up listening to Depeche Mode and always wearing my shirts a size too small. I used to color code my closet. I had to stop being so clean because all my friends thought I was gay. And remember when I was in 5th grade and I wanted frosted tips? You let me dye my hair.

Dad: I thought you were queer.

Rusty: I was 10! I only wanted frosted tips because you had them. I didn’t know that was a gay thing. I actually know the term “frosted tips.” Nobody my age knows what that is.

Dad: The gay kids do.

Rusty: That’s my point.

Dad: Stop blaming all your whiney bullshit on me. It’s not my fault you turned out how you did. One day you’ll have a kid, probably through a surrogate with your rich boyfriend, and you’ll find out that raising kids is a lot like buying lottery tickets. There’s a slim chance that your ticket will be worth anything, but more than likely you’re holding on to a loser.

Rusty grabs the bundle of shirts.

Rusty: Well, this was a bunch of fun. I gotta go meet Alex at B-Dubs. Have fun with your 16 year olds.

Dad: Whatever faggot. Love you.

 

Rusty arrives to Buffalo Wild Wings and sees Alex already has a high top. He looks like he is laughing to himself.

Rusty: What are you laughing at?

Alex turns his head and starts laughing more.

Alex: Uh, now? That. What is that fruity shirt you’re wearing?

Rusty: This shirt is cool. You don’t like V-necks?

Alex: The V almost reaches your belly button. It’s really gay. Where’d you get it? Banana Republic?

Rusty: Whatever. My dad gave me a bunch of old shirts.

Alex: Anyways, I couldn’t stop laughing because I was thinking about how Ruth almost called the police on me this morning?

Rusty: Really? Why?

Alex: Ah, her son was being a dick, so I tried to fight him.

Rusty: What a whore. Why would she call the cops over that?

Alex: Well I ended up pulling a gun on him too. It was pretty funny.

Rusty: That’s kinda fucked up.

Alex: It’s not like I was gonna shoot him. He just needed to bring his voice down a little bit.

Rusty: Well that makes sense.

Alex: I don’t think I’ll be able to fuck her again though.

Rusty: Don’t worry about it. They always come back. I think the real issue is this whole serial killer scandal.

Alex: Yeah I don’t know what everyone is freaking out about. Two people? I thought you had to have atleast 3 or 4 kills to be considered a serial killer.

Rusty: The news makes us sound like idiots too. That sheriff guy called us “sloppy” and said “we should find them in no time.” Like fuck him. Let’s see you do better.

Alex: I told you we should’ve dumped Dustin in a different spot. That’s the only reason they found the priest.

Rusty: Yeah we definitely should’ve cut him up a little bit too. I thought the gators would take care of it. They barely touched him. I was just really tired and those fucking mosquitoes are a pain in the ass.

Alex: Did you see they have a roadside memorial of Dustin where they found his bike?

Rusty: Yeah, I can’t wait to run it over when no one is around. I was thinking about shitting on it too.

Alex: You should probably just stay away from it.

Rusty: True. I wouldn’t want Amanda to find out I shit on her dead boyfriend’s grave. Excuse me, dead EX-boyfriend’s grave. That might hurt my chances.

Alex: Yeah, I think it’s finally time you give up on that. You killed her boyfriend. Just count it as a tie. Neither one of you can have her.

Rusty: Are you fucking retarded? First of all, we both agreed that neither one of us killed him. Second, I’m playing a game with no defense. I’m gonna just Hail Mary my cock 50 yards into the end zone. Then I’m gonna do a celebration dance for like 20 minutes. There’s nothing stopping me now.

Alex: You really think she’s gonna talk to you? Her boyfriend just died. His funeral was this morning.

Rusty: Yeah, but she’ll be over that eventually.

Alex: Yeah maybe in like a couple years.

Rusty: What? No fucking way. Three weeks tops.

Alex: You’re delusional. I’ll give you, at the very earliest, six months. And that’s being generous.

Rusty: You don’t understand how much she loves me. A week to three weeks. Final answer. A hundred bucks.

Alex: Dude, if she hits you up a week after, then she’s the biggest whore I’ve ever heard of in my entire life. Deal.

They shake hands.

Rusty: I don’t think you understand how I affect the ladies.

Alex: I think you mean ‘infect.’

The waiter comes to the table. Before saying a word he winks at Rusty. Rusty becomes noticeably uncomfortable.

Waiter: Hey boys, welcome to B-DUBZ. Can I get y’all something to drink. May I recommend our Slammin Strawberry Margarita? It’s better than public bathroom sex.

Alex: Yeah, I’ll take one of those.

Rusty: Miller Lite please.

Waiter: Sure thing. Be right back. (Looks at Rusty) Oh and by the way, we have really clean bathrooms. You should check them out.

Rusty is silent. The waiter smiles at Rusty for a full five seconds before leaving the table.

Rusty: What the fuck just happened?

Alex: That dude wants to fuck you. Like in the bathroom. Like now.

Rusty: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Alex: I’m telling you man, that shirt is nothing if not painfully gay. You might as well have the words “Dick Party” tattooed on your lips.

Rusty: The Dolphins better win today because I’ve had the worst morning.

Alex: Hey you remember him? (Points)

Rusty looks across the restaurant.

Rusty: Oh yeah, NeFew. Sitting there by himself. Big surprise.

Alex: Let’s invite him over here.

Rusty: Fuck no. I don’t wanna hangout with that inbred fuck.

Alex: That inbred thing was a rumor. He’s not really, is he?

Rusty: Seriously? You don’t know about that shit.

Alex: No. I guess I only knew him from a few parties and shit.

Rusty: Oh yeah. I’ve known him since like second grade.

Alex: So he’s really inbred?

Rusty: Oh dude its insane, like his parents are siblings. And then his grandma is also his grandpa’s daughter. I’m pretty sure that’s how it is.

Alex: For real? That’s insane.

Rusty: It gets way crazier than that. His dad was shot and killed at the airport trying to kidnap him and take him to like Madagascar or somewhere so he could legally marry him. He was like six years old. That’s why everyone calls him NeFew.

Alex: Wasn’t his grandpa the mayor for a while?

Rusty: Yeah, he used to have those TV ads. His slogan was like “ With Carl Brooks, Family Comes First.”

Alex: Great pun.

Rusty: Yeah that whole family fucks each other. It’s the weirdest the thing.

Alex: I still wanna say “What’s Up.”

Rusty: No seriously. He doesn’t like me.

Alex: Of course. Why?

Rusty: In middle school we had to make an acrostic poem for our partner, and sure enough I was partnered with him. So I wrote NeFew. Ejaculates. on Family. EW.

Alex: (laughs) He didn’t think that was funny?

Rusty: No and I got an F. The teacher said it was vulgar and we weren’t allowed to use nicknames. And it didn’t meet the criteria or something.

Alex: (Yells) Yo NeFew!

Nefew sees them and walks over.

Rusty: You’re an asshole.

Nefew: Hey, Alex. Rusty. What are you guys up to?

Alex: Just watching the game. You all right, man? You look down.

Nefew grabs a chair and sits down.

Nefew: You know I’m just fighting with my cousin right now.

Rusty rolls his eyes. He drinks his beer to keep from saying anything.

Alex: Oh yeah? What’s wrong?

NeFew: He thinks I’m fucking around with his little sister.

Rusty: (under breath) Jesus.

Alex: Are you?

Nefew: Yeah, but I don’t want him to think I’m cheating on him.

Rusty: Ok. Get the fuck out of here.

Nefew: What?

Alex: Calm down.

Rusty: No I don’t want to hear about your weird gay incest problems, dude. I really don’t. I can only be so tolerant. That’s where I draw the line.

NeFew: There’s nothing wrong with family intimacy. It gives you a stronger more loving bond. It’s misunderstood by society. They make it taboo.

Rusty: Dude, I’m about two seconds away from throwing up on you. You even smell like incest.

NeFew gets out of his seat.

NeFew: Animals inbreed, Rusty. We’re just animals. It’s natural. Purebreds are inbred.

Rusty: Ok great. You’re best in show, buddy. Now get the fuck out of here.

Nefew: Assholes.

Alex: Sorry NeFew. Why do you have to be a dick to literally everyone?

Rusty: Why do you try to be friends with everyone? Most people aren’t worth being friends with.

 

After the game, Rusty and Alex are waiting for the check.

Rusty: Of course the Dolphins lose by 20 points. Classic Dolphins.

Alex: Yeah, well Tampa lost too. Florida teams lose. It’s what we do.

The waiter arrives with their checks. He hands Rusty’s to him. His phone number is written on the bottom.

Waiter: Ok boys, you have a super fantastic rest of your day. (Looks at Rusty) Cute shirt by the way.

Rusty stays silent. He walks away.

Alex: I gotta grab a shirt for work. You wanna go with me?

Rusty: Actually I wanted to go see if I can find “The Big Lebowski” on DVD. I can’t find it anywhere.

Alex: Why? That shit is on TV all the time.

Rusty: Yeah, but I want it so I can watch it whenever I want. Sometimes you just need to watch it. This way it’ll always be there for me. Like The Bible, but useful.

Alex: It is the greatest movie ever made.

Rusty: I’m definitely changing my shirt first.

 

They go out to Rusty’s car. He changes into a plain black shirt.

Rusty: Now nobody can mistake me for someone who has ever allowed smegma in my mouth.

Alex: Oh god. What’s wrong with people?

Rusty: I know, how stupid are girls and gay guys? Dicks are disgusting. Why would you ever put one in your mouth? And then suck on it.

Alex: It looks like such a hard skill to learn.

Rusty: And its just getting shoved in your mouth. Sounds like a fucking traumatic experience. I’d rather take it in the ass. But whatever makes em happy I guess.

Alex: What? You’d take it in the ass?

Rusty: I would before I’d ever suck a dick. It might be shitty at first, but eventually you’ll just get used to it. Then it’ll feel good.

Alex: I don’t know about all that.

Rusty: C’mon man you’ve never had a finger in your ass?

Alex: Fuck no.

Rusty: It’s not that bad. It’s different. It kinda tickles. It tickles your penis too. It’s like your nose and mouth, they’re somehow connected.

Alex: This is why people think you’re gay, man.

Rusty: Just try it and you’ll see what I mean.

They walk back towards the mall. Alex thinks for a minute.

Alex: So technically, you’ve been fingered.

They walk through the door.

Rusty: Shut the fuck up.

Alex: I’m just saying, that’s the definition of fingered.

Rusty: I’m so sick of this. It’s not getting fingered.  It’s just getting your asshole rubbed. It’s not gay. I’m clearly not gay.

A muscular dude with an Abercrombie bag walks past them.

Gay Dude: Hey guys, anyone order the large sausage?

Rusty’s face gets beet red with anger.

Alex: (points) Just him, sir.

Rusty: Dude, I am about to psycho motherfucking killer on everyone is this mall right now.

Alex: It’s not my fault. For some reason, literally everyone thinks you’re gay.

Rusty: Yeah we’ll see how gay I am when I’m fucking Amanda silly in every room of the house. The couch will be damp with our sex fluids for months.

Alex: Stop. We really need to talk about this shit, man. You and Amanda are never going to happen. You’re gonna put way too much time into something that is never going to happen. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.

Rusty: Listen bitch, when you keep failing at something, you don’t just give up. You keep trying and you get closer and closer until you get it right. That’s how you become the greatest. Muhammad Ali, bitch.

Alex: Whatever man, I’m just trying to help you out.

Rusty: You’re just afraid I’m gonna tell her what happened to Dustin.

Alex: That didn’t actually even occur to me till now. Well good thing it’s never gonna happen. Believe what you want.

 

They walk into the store.

Alex: I didn’t know F.Y.E even existed anymore.

Rusty: They better have this movie.

Alex: Magic Mike?

Rusty: You’re like one comment away from getting punched in the mouth. Seriously.

Alex: Whatever. I’m gonna go get my shirt.

Alex leaves.

Rusty: (to himself) Do I look under “B” or “L?”

A weird guy wearing glasses and a leather coat walks into F.Y.E. He is smoking a vaporizer. He looks very timid. It’s very obvious that he is watching Rusty, even though he is trying his best to be incognito. Rusty feels uncomfortable and walks towards the back of the store. The weird guy tries to sneak behind him.

Clerk: Hey.

Weird Guy: (timid) Huh? Me?

Clerk: Yeah. You can’t smoke that in here.

Weird Guy: Oh… Ok. Sorry, sir.

The weird guy crouches down on the other side of the movie shelves. He thinks Rusty can’t see him. He tries to disguise his voice.

Weird Guy: (Mumbles)

Rusty starts to walk back to the front of the store. The weird guy follows. Still trying to stay hidden. Everyone in the store is watching him, even Rusty as he tries to get away.

Weird Guy: (Louder) Katie (Mumbles)

Rusty doesn’t understand him. They both reach the end of the shelf and accidentally meet face to face. The weird guy jolts up and puts a  small tape recorder in Rusty’s face.

Weird Guy: Katie Johnson!

He looks terrified.

Rusty: (confused) Look dude, I’m not gay. Sorry, but please get away from me.

He takes another puff of his vaporizer before starting to walk backwards. He trips over nothing and hits a fixture full of CDs.

Clerk: Sir, are you okay?

He get’s up quick.

Weird Guy: I have bad ankles.

He runs out of the store. Rusty massages his eyes, trying to relieve some stress. A skinny flamboyant guy walks over to Rusty.

Skinny Guy: That guy was a freaaaak. I bet you’re a freak too. Huh, big boy?

The skinny guy grabs Rusty’s butt. Rusty looks over at him furiously. Rusty then open hand smacks the shit out of him. The skinny guy grabs his face. Then punches Rusty in the mouth.

Skinny Guy: You slap like a ten-year-old girl you fucking faggot.

The skinny guy punches Rusty again. This time it hits his chin and Rusty goes down. He kicks Rusty in the stomach while he’s down.

Skinny Guy: You big pussy.

The clerk and another big guy pull the fancy boy out of the store. Rusty is dazed. He tries to get up and then falls back down. The clerk comes back in and helps pick him up. Blood is flowing from his mouth.

Rusty: Where the fuck am I?

The clerk walks Rusty over to a bench and sits him down. Alex is walking back from the store.

Alex: Rusty, what the fuck happened?

Rusty: My mouth.

Clerk: Are you with him?

Alex: Not like that. We’re just friends.

Clerk: (walks away) Fucking kids nowadays.

Alex: Dude, what the fuck happened?

Rusty: I think I just got beat up.

Alex: You’re like ghostly white.

Rusty: My mouth hurts.

The other big guy comes back to talk to Rusty. He has an exaggerated lisp.

Big Guy: Hey buddy, sorry about all that. Ralphie is like a Chihuahua who thinks he’s a pitbull.

Rusty just stares, still a little dazed, with bloody drool coming from his open mouth.

Big Guy: I’m willing to bet you’ve had a few guys hit on you today.

Rusty: (Squeals) Ha!

Big Guy: Well, do you know what cologne you’re wearing?

Rusty: (Squeals) Huh?

Alex: What do you mean?

Big Guy: You’re wearing “Le Fisstefuque.”

Alex: I’m guessing that’s French for something.

Big Guy: It’s a rare cologne. In the gay community we call it a “tracker.” It let’s other gay men know that you’re down for a good time.

Alex: (Laughs) You stupid fuck.

Rusty moans.

Rusty: Today sucks.

Alex: He’s wearing his gay dad’s shirt. This is the best day of my life.

Big Guy:  See just a misunderstanding. No hard feelings?

Rusty spits blood near the guy’s shoes.

Big Guy: Alright, but for future reference, you don’t slap another man sweetie. It doesn’t matter how queer he looks. It’s still a man.

He walks away.

Alex: God damnit Rusty. How much lower can you get?

Rusty gets a text message. He laughs as he reads it.

Rusty: A hundred bucks, bitch.

Alex grabs the phone and reads a text from Amanda.

“Come over”

 

 

 

                                         TO BE CONTINUED>>>

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