Duh Written Show

It's an ongoing series about two idiots figuring out adult life mistake after mistake.

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5. NO LIMITS

                      EPISODE 5: NO LIMITS

 

It’s Thursday mid-afternoon. Alex wakes up and walks into the living room to find Rusty smoking from the bong and looking at social media on his laptop. A typical day.

 

Alex: Was that you with Grace last night? Or was she using the TV remote again?

Rusty: Guilty.

Alex: Jesus, that’s like three nights in a row.

Rusty: I know she’s gross but last night I found out something crazy. Bro, she can literally stay invisible while fucking. She’s like Predator. It’s amazing, if you can drown out her annoying screams it’s like masturbating but a thousand times better.

Alex: That’s what you said about your pocket pussy.

Rusty: It’s better than that. Plus I only got to use that twice before it had black mold all over it.

Alex: That’s disgusting. How did it get mold on it? What’d you leave it all crudded up?

Rusty: Well it’s stupid, you have to warm it up in hot water so it feels like the real thing, then you gotta wash it out and dry it off afterwards. It’s too much maintenance. I’m not trying to throw three hours at one jerk-off sesh.

Alex: I’d still rather fuck moldy faux pussy than a disgusting ghost pig. Two weeks ago, ghosts were an eerie myth and now they’re an annoying reality.

Rusty: Yeah. But at least you can fuck it. It’d be weirder if it had to live here and you couldn’t fuck it. It is pretty crazy at first when you feel someone riding you but see nothing. I understand why Harvey was so scared now.

Alex: We really need to get you a girlfriend.

Rusty: Most girls are intimidated by me. They know they’ll fall in love with me but also know I probably won’t love them back. Because they are not worthy of me. Subconsciously and often consciously, they know that. So they don’t bother.

Alex: I think you just need to tighten your game up.

Rusty: My game is flawless; I can have pretty much any girl I want, if I try hard enough.

Alex: I’ve never seen you spit good game. Not once.

Rusty: That’s just because I’m not the best opener. If I can get passed the opening I’m golden. That’s why I suck at Tinder. I never know what to say first.

Alex: How about just saying “Hey.”

Rusty: No I’m way more cleverer than that. Girls just rarely respond to my brilliance over text. They can’t hear the tone of my voice and my sarcasm so they can’t tell how funny I am. That’s why I hate texting. It just makes me look stupid. Things I say in a joking manner are either taken literally or are not understood by the female brain.

Alex: Let me read some of your openers.

Rusty hands his phone to Alex.

Alex: Ok, let’s see… The first one says… are you kidding me?

Rusty: Which one?

Alex: It says “Hey, wanna fuck on the reg? Cuz my dick be foaming like an empty keg.”

Rusty: Oh yeah. She was hot. I guess she’s not into poetry though.

Alex: The next one says “I will marry you for citizenship.”

Rusty: She’s Mexican.

Alex: Her bio says “Florida girl born and raised.”

Rusty: Oh, well I never read that shit.

Alex: This one just says “Ew, your face.” Ok. So there is definitely a problem with your game.

Rusty: That was like reverse psychology. That works more often than you’d think.

Alex: Are you sure you’ve never had a girlfriend before?

Rusty: Not one. I’ve fucked other people’s girlfriends before, though. The majority of girls I’ve slept with have had boyfriends. I’m not very good with single girls come to think of it.  A lot of girls know how to keep a secret. Fucking whores.

Alex: Sometimes I think I’m the only person who doesn’t hate you.

Rusty: I’m just really charismatic.

Alex: You should pack a bowl.

Rusty: I just smoked the last one.

Alex: What the hell?

Rusty: There was only like two left.

Alex: I left nearly a full bowl packed last night.

Rusty: Yeah, that plus two.

Alex: We’re gonna have to stop by Chris’s then.

Rusty: I cant fucking stand Chris. He’s always a dick to me. I feel like he doesn’t like me.

Alex: He doesn’t like you. Most people don’t. I’ve been trying to explain that to you but I feel like you think I’m kidding.

Rusty: Yeah, well Chris can go fuc—

Rusty stops dead from scrolling through Facebook.

Rusty: (under breath) Motherfucker.

Alex: What?

Rusty: Motherfucker!

Alex: What’s wrong?

Rusty grabs his phone and begins texting. He reads aloud as he types.

Rusty: You stupid fucking whore. I hope you die. I hope it hurts a lot too. I hope they let me do the eulogy at your funeral so I can tell you’re whole fucking family how you’re such a dirty slutty bitch, right before I take a shit in your open casket. SEND.

Alex: Who did you just send that to? Amanda?

Rusty: She’s back with that piece of shit again!

Alex looks at the computer. “Amanda ß˙ˆ†∫®´å†˙ and Dustin π¨ßß∆¨ˆç´ are in a relationship.”

Alex: Why do you even care? I thought you hated her now.

Rusty: I do hate her, but still. She was supposed to be sad and depressed that I was ignoring her.  And I would just keep letting her know how much I hate her. I was gonna keep it up until she couldn’t take it any longer and was ready to kill herself. Then I would tell her that I would consider dating her as long as she didn’t let two huge black guys turn her into corn on the cob again.

Alex: And you had all that planned out?

Rusty: Yeah. She’s obviously just doing this to make me jealous. Without a doubt she’d much rather be with me.

Alex: I don’t know, man. She’s been dating this kid for longer than we’ve even known each other. I think you might’ve just missed your chance with her.

Rusty: (eyes water) Don’t even say that to me right now!

Grace comes out of the guestroom.

Grace: Morning boys.

Rusty: Get back in your room you fat ugly cow!

She slams the door shut.

Rusty: Goddammit! I could kill somebody today!

 

Half an hour later, Alex and Rusty show up to Chris’s front door. They wait for him to answer while the dogs bark.

Rusty: I can’t believe I have to deal with this shit right now. Today is a horrible day.

Alex: You know what will cheer you up? Why don’t we go to T.G.I Fridays after this and get $10 unlimited appetizers and two-for-ones.

Rusty: Oh man, that would be the tits. I forgot that the endless appetizers were back.

Alex: That should take your mind off of the fact that Amanda is probably having a bukkake party to celebrate her reuniting with Dustin.

Rusty: I can’t believe she hasn’t texted me back yet. Like, really? You can’t even apologize?

Alex: Especially after you left her such a sweet message.

Rusty: Is it just me or does it smell like shit out here?

A guy with long curly hair in a pink bathrobe answers the door. Four beastly steroid pit bulls stand behind him.

Chris: What’s up Alex?

Alex: Hey Chris.

Rusty follows Alex inside. Two of the pit bulls growl at him.

Rusty: Your dogs scare the shit out of me, man.

Chris: As long as you don’t look them in the eyes and remember whose house this is, you’ll be fine. You show them respect they’ll show you respect.

Rusty: Right.

Chris: Also, Roscoe doesn’t like it when strangers laugh, so you might want to watch out for him.

Rusty: They can’t go outside while we do this?

Chris: This is their house. You can go outside. Feel free.

They sit down on Chris’s couch. His coffee table is full of bongs, bowls, oil pens, and bags upon bags of weed. Also a 9mm, which Alex notices.

Alex: You get a new gun?

Chris: You like that?

Chris grabs it and hands it to Alex.

Chris: Be careful, there’s one in the chamber.

Alex: And the safety is off.

Chris: I don’t fuck around, man.

Alex hands it back to Chris. Chris aims it around the room and then lands on Rusty’s head.

Rusty: What the fuck man! Don’t point that shit at me. You just said there is one in the chamber.

Chris: But is my finger on the trigger? No? How could it go off then?

Rusty: It—

Chris: Exactly so shut up.

Alex: Hey man, you think I could use your bathroom?

Chris: We’re not using the bathrooms anymore. We’re trying a natural thing. Just use the backyard.

Alex: …Ok

Alex gets up and heads to the back door.

Chris: And if it’s a number two could you do me a favor? Just pick it up with the shovel and throw it in the compost bin.

Rusty: How eco-friendly of you. Fucking hippie.

Chris: Humans weren’t meant to sit on a toilet to shit, you butt-fuck. It comes out a lot easier when you squat. Instead of just sending it to the sewer, which really it just ends up in the ocean, we reuse it to grow our vegetables. So I’m sorry we’re self sustaining while you’re so dependent on technology that you couldn’t even survive one night in the wild.

Rusty: How do you wipe your ass? With your hand?

Chris: When you only eat natural food like fruits and vegetables, you’re shit comes out so clean you don’t even need to wipe. So there’s no need for toilet paper. You’d know that if you didn’t feast upon the flesh of innocent animals.

Rusty: Cool. You wanna come with us to get chicken wings after this?

Chris: Laugh it up. We’ll see who’s laughing when you get rectal cancer.

Rusty: I don’t understand why you hate humans for eating animals, when you don’t hate animals for eating other animals. Or do you try to preach your hippie bullshit to the birds, and snakes and fish and shit?

Chris: They’re animals. They’re just trying to survive. They’re programmed to eat other animals.

Rusty: Humans are animals as well. Also programmed to eat other animals.

Chris: It’s not even really the fact that we eat them, it’s that we keep them on slaughter farms where they’re just waiting to die. Have you seen how they kill these animals? It’s barbaric.

Rusty: Yeah, they usually kill them by cutting their throat, or shooting them in the head, or cutting off their heads. I would much rather be one of those animals. Bleeding out takes seconds. The way wild animals die is by getting eaten alive. That is a thousand times worse. Just lying there for ten minutes while six hyenas rip you apart and eat your intestines. At least we wait until they are dead to eat them.

Chris: That’s debatable. Plus, the conditions they keep them in is inhumane. They’re all cooped together. Animals want to be in the wild.

Rusty: Oh yeah. They’d much rather be in the wild where they’re either starving and searching for food or running away from something trying to eat them. They prefer that to being around all their friends and eating regularly.

Chris: Whatever faggot. What kind of bud do you want?

Rusty: Anything that isn’t gluten-free or vegan.

Chris: An ounce?

Rusty: Yeah.

Chris loads fat green nugs into a plastic bowl on a kitchen scale until is reads 28 grams. He pours the weed into a big ziplock bag. Rusty hands him a couple hundred dollars.

Chris: You gonna pack a bowl?

Rusty: Look how much weed you have. You pack one.

Chris: Every single other person I sell weed to smokes with me. Even Alex.

Rusty: No, I understand that it’s customary to smoke with your pot dealer, but it doesn’t really make sense from a business standpoint.  I just bought a bunch of weed from you. Why would I share some of it? I don’t go into Dominos and buy over $200 of pizza and ask the cashier if she wants a slice. If anything they give me a free slice for buying so much pizza.

Chris: You’re kind of a cunt, you know that?

Alex walks back in the house.

Alex: Your backyard is covered in shit.

Chris: What do you expect? There’s us two plus four dogs. Also, Roscoe and my girl had stomach problems last night. I think she over seasoned the kale chips.

Rusty: Maybe it’s because you’re eating vegetables that you grow with your own poop.

Chris: I’m just gonna pretend that he isn’t here.

Alex: That’s what I do.

Chris: You guys wanna take a dab?

Rusty: No way.

Alex: Stop being such a pussy.

Chris: Have you ever taken a dab before?

Rusty: Yeah, once. I don’t like it. It felt like my lungs were crushed. I couldn’t breathe for like five minutes.

Chris: Awesome. You’re going first.

Rusty: Fuck that. Seriously, I don’t want one.

Alex: If you don’t hit this, I’m not going to T.G.I. Fridays.

Rusty: Fine. How do you do this shit?

Chris grabs the rig and sits next to Rusty. He lights his blowtorch.

Chris: First you light the nail till it glows red.

He grabs a piece of shatter with the wand.

Chris: Ok, hit it.

Rusty puts his lips to the rig and inhales the milky white smoke. He is overwhelmed by the potency and volume of smoke. He involuntarily coughs all the smoke out of his lungs and struggles to catch his breath.

Alex: Your face is whiter than old dog shit right now.

Chris: You okay?

Rusty: I (cough) can’t (cough) breathe (cough).

Alex: You’ll be all right.

Roscoe walks up to Rusty and starts growling.

Chris: Roscoe is getting pissed. You better stop coughing.

Rusty tries to take a deep breath and fight his coughing. He breathes in and then immediately vomits all over the dog. The dog freaks out and runs away.

Chris: Are you fucking kidding me? Get him the fuck out of my house.

Alex: Sorry man.

Alex grabs Rusty by the shirt and pulls him out front. The other dogs eat the puke off the floor.

 

On the way to T.G.I Fridays, Rusty is driving and chewing gum to get the taste of puke out of his mouth.

Alex: I doubt Chris ever wants you back at his house.

Rusty: It’s his fault. I said I didn’t want to do it. Fuck that dog too. I puked right in his eyes. I hope he goes blind. That’s what happens when you’re a dick.

Alex: You didn’t even offer to clean it up.

Rusty: He kicked me out. Plus, he probably wanted to use it for soil anyways. He’s a pussy. I’m fine with never going back to his house.

Alex: We’re probably gonna have to find a new drug dealer.

Alex’s phone rings.

Alex: Oh shit it’s Nick. Let’s see if he wants to meet us. (answers phone) Nick.

Nick:

Alex: Nick you there?

Nick:

Alex: Nick?

Nick:

Alex: He must’ve butt-dialed me.

Rusty: I still smell puke.  Does it smell like puke in here?

Alex: No.

Rusty: Grab me a napkin out of the glove box.

Alex hands him a napkin and he blows his nose into it.

Rusty: Oh shit. Look at that gnarly puke booger. I hate when puke gets stuck in your nose.

Alex: That’s fucking disgusting. It’s huge.

Rusty: I think its a green pepper. (burps) Oh yeah, definitely Italian food.

Alex: Throw that shit out the window.

Rusty: I’ll buy your beers if you eat this pepper.

Alex: Get that the fuck out of my face. I swear to god if you touch me with that shit.

Rusty rolls down the window and throws the napkin out of the window. The napkin lands pepper first on a skinny kid on a motorcycle behind them and gets stuck to his arm. The biker flicks the puke booger off his arm and speeds up to get beside Rusty’s car.

Alex: What is this asshole doing?

Rusty: I think he’s trying to pass me.

The biker stares at Rusty through the window. Rusty stares back at the helmet. He notices a tattoo on his arm.

Rusty: Holy shit that’s Dustin π¨ßß∆¨ˆç´

Alex: For real?

Rusty: Look at the douchey “No Limits” tattoo on his arm.

There was a douchey “No Limits” tattoo written on his forearm.

Alex: He’s staring you down, man.

Rusty: Fuck him.

Rusty flicks him off and holds his gesture steady. Dustin flicks back at him. He tries to speed up to pass Rusty, but Rusty matches his speed.

Rusty: You’re not going around me, Puss Boy.

The two vehicles fly down the road, neck and neck, both drivers showing their middle finger to each other. Rusty rolls down the window so Dustin can get a better look at his finger.

Rusty: I’m gonna run him into oncoming traffic.

Alex: Calm down. You’re doing like thirty over the speed limit.

Rusty: No limits, bro. No limits.

The bike takes off down the road and merges in front of Rusty.

Rusty: Nice Huffy, faggot!

Rusty slows down to the speed limit.

Alex: What did you think was gonna happen?

Rusty: I don’t know. God dammit I want a bike.

 

When they arrive to the mall parking lot, they park towards the back instead of searching for an open spot. As they walk towards Friday’s they see what could be described as the gayest of all speed bikes parked in the motorcycle section.

Rusty: Would you look at who made it?

Alex: I wonder if he’s at Friday’s.

Rusty approaches the bike.

Rusty: Fuck boy, party of one.

Rusty kicks the bike over on its side.

Alex: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

Rusty: He’s stealing my chicken, bro.

Alex: If anything you’re trying to steal his chicken.

Rusty: No, she’s my chicken. So says fate and God and all that bullshit. She’s supposed to my chicken and only mine.

Alex: Can we get the fuck out of here please?

 

When they get into Friday’s, they sit down at the bar. Their friend, Ruth, is bartending. Ruth is one of Alex’s booty calls. She is insanely hot, she looks about 28 years old. The problem is that she’s 40.

Rusty: What’s up Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

Ruth: What’s up guys?

Rusty: Did I ever tell you that you have the same name as my great grandmother? Fun fact, she was born in 1919.

Ruth: Just about every time I see you.

Rusty: That’s what I thought.

Ruth: Alex, you haven’t texted me back in a while.

Alex: I just got a new phone.

Ruth: And that’s what you tell me every time I see you.

Alex: I forget I use that every time. Can I get a long island?

Rusty: I’ll take a dark beer. For men.

Alex: What do you mean? It has like six liquors in it.

Rusty: So what? It’s still incredibly sweet. And it get’s you white-girl wasted. It should be served with an umbrella. It’s a girl drink.

The smelly fat guy next to them decides to chime in.

Bar Fly: There’s three types of people who drink them drinks. Faggots, females, and the French. (laughs) Fuckin commies.

Alex: I don’t wanna sit by this guy.

Rusty: Yeah, let’s move to the other side. He smells like shit.

 

A few drinks and several appetizers later, Rusty has dropped his insecurities and ordered a Long Island. They are each one drink away from sloppy.

Rusty: I just don’t understand what I have to do to make her mine. She’s always gonna be with that human corn shit.

Alex: I think you’re just approaching it the wrong way. You’ve talked to her maybe three times in the past month. One of those times you spit phlegm in her face and the other you told her you wish she would die.

Rusty: It’s because I care.

Alex: I don’t think she sees it that way though. Try changing up your game a little.

Rusty: How?

Alex: Well, what’s the most romantic thing you think a guy can do to let a girl know he’s in love with her.

Rusty takes a few minutes to think of a good answer.

Rusty: Shoot the president.

Alex: What? Did you just say “shoot the president?”

Rusty: Yeah, that’s what that one guy did for the twelve-year-old actress in Taxi Driver. He shot Reagan. He’s still in jail.

Alex: Are you fucking retarded?

Rusty: That is without a doubt the best way to show someone how much you love them. Think about it. The worst thing you could do in America, worse than raping a child or killing mass citizens, is shooting the president. They’ll never let you out of jail for that. This dude loved that chick so much that he figured out the best way to get noticed by everyone on the planet, just so he could let her know about his love for her.

Alex: First of all he didn’t even go to jail. He was found “not-guilty” and plead insane. I learned that in my criminal law class. He just got out of the nut house too. He’s a citizen again.

Rusty: It’s still a great way to get noticed.

Alex: Well let’s think of a different way for you.

Rusty: I’m not saying I would ever do it. I’m just saying, for the sake of argument that is the best way.

Alex: I think you should attack this from a Sleeping Beauty standpoint. You need to go save her from the castle. That’s literally what every girl dreams about their entire life.

Rusty: I don’t know about that, man. What if she gets creeped out by me showing up to her house and fucking hates me forever?

Alex: Then you’re back in the same place you’re at right now. There’s nothing to lose. Man the fuck up.

Rusty chugs the remainder of his drink.

Rusty: Let’s go save that bitch.

Alex: Hey Ruth, I’ll call you.

Ruth: Go fuck yourself.

 

Alex is driving Rusty’s car down the highway.

Rusty: I have so much adrenaline right now that I think I could do some Bruce Lee shit.

Alex: That’s good, because if Dustin is there, you might have to fight him.

Rusty: I’ll fuck him up.

Alex: It’s like in Sleeping Beauty, man. You gotta slay the dragon.

Rusty: Did you just watch Sleeping Beauty recently or something?

A speed bike comes flying past the car. It gets in the other lane and slows down to their speed. The biker is staring through the window.

Rusty: Speak of the fucking devil, and that he appears on a queer ass motorcycle.

Alex: No way. (laughs) Oh he’s pissed.

Dustin is yelling muffled words under his helmet.

Rusty: What?! I ain’t neva scared! All I know is murder!

Alex: Would you stop yelling rap quotes in my ear!

Rusty: I’ll run that bitch into the canal.

Rusty flicks him off again.

Rusty: I think he wants us to pull over. (laughs)

Alex: Fuck that. We’re going to the same place anyways.

Rusty: Who does this kid think he is? Here, scare him a little.

Rusty tugs on the steering wheel. The car jolts towards the bike. Dustin tries to speed up to miss the car but it hits his rear tire. He loses control of the bike as it takes off to the side of the road. As Dustin is falling from the bike, he runs into a “SPEED LIMIT 55” sign that hits him at the neck. His head flies into the darkness.

Alex: Oh shit!

Alex slams on the brakes.  They both sit in the car stunned for a few moments.

Rusty: Fuck it. Go.

Alex: No fucking way.

Rusty: Let’s get the motherfuck out of here.

Alex: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Rusty: I’m pretty sure you just killed a guy. Do you wanna go to prison?

Alex: You fucking killed him! You grabbed the steering wheel.

Rusty: I’m drunk, asshole. Ever heard of being a defensive driver? You’re not supposed to let someone do that to you.

Alex: Fuck you. This is your fault. That’s two people you’ve killed now.

Rusty: Oh fucking no it’s not. I didn’t kill the priest, Ray did. So maybe one. Maybe. Still debatable. Plus you killed your fucking teacher. If anything we’re even now.

Alex: We have to see if he’s still alive.

Rusty: He’s probably fine. He was wearing a helmet.

Alex: C’mon.

Rusty: Son of a bitch… well let’s hurry it up motherfucker.

They get out of the car. Rusty follows Alex but stays closer to the car.

Rusty: I’m still not “looking twice for motorcycles.” Maybe you should look twice for cars asshole!

They walk over to the speed limit sign where his body is.

Alex: Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck.

Rusty: What?

Alex: He lost his head.

Rusty: Like, no head at all?

Alex: Like toes to shoulders.

Rusty takes a closer look.

Rusty: Just shoulders, knees and toes, huh?

Rusty sees his douchey “No Limits” tattoo. And then looks at the sign.

Rusty: Oh shit look. Apparently he does have a limit. It’s 55.

Alex: The bike must’ve went into the canal.

Rusty: That cool. They’re full as fuck right now from all the rain.

Alex: Let’s clean this up.

Rusty: Oh shit man.

Alex: What?

Rusty: Sleeping Beauty. I slayed the dragon. I slayed the fucking dragon.

Alex: (Laughs) You slayed the fucking dragon, man. But that also means that you have to grab him by the arms, ‘cause I don’t want none of that neck shit on me.

Rusty: Son of a bitch.

They take the body and toss it into the trunk of Rusty’s car.

Alex: Now we gotta find the head.

They search up and down the road for a good ten minutes before Rusty sees what looks like a bowling ball in the orange grove.

Rusty: Check this out!

They meet back at the sign.

Rusty: His heads still in the helmet. Easy pick-up.

Alex: Don’t let that shit slip out.

Rusty: I won’t. I just need to let him know a little something. I win! Fuck you!

Rusty takes the helmet and throws it as hard as he can directly at the ground. Blood squirts from the neck.

Alex: You got that shit on my leg, asshole! These fucking shorts are gonna stain.

Rusty: I’m sorry man, I’m just so jacked right now.

Alex: Well we’re definitely not going to Amanda’s anymore, so calm down.

Rusty tosses the head in the trunk.

Rusty: Yeah we probably shouldn’t.

Alex: I think we should get the fuck out of here quick. I can’t believe no one has drove by yet.

Rusty: Calm down. All the evidence is in the trunk. We’re in the clear. We’ve got nothing to hide. Be cool.

Alex: I still wanna go right now though.

They get into the car.

Rusty: Do you think it would be weird to keep the head? Like a souvenir?

Alex: What? Seriously?

Rusty: Yeah that’s pretty fucked up. I was just thinking out loud.

Alex: You better be.

Rusty: I guess we’re going back to the fucking stick marsh.

 

                                      TO BE CONTINUED>>>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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