The last letter

Dear Harry,
Today it’s been five years since you left me.

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1. Dear Harry

 

Dear Harry,

Today it’s been five years since you left me. Why did you leave me?

Of course I know you didn’t have a choice, I just miss you so much.

I lost a part of me when you died. A part of me died with you.

 

At the beginning I saw you everywhere. I saw you’re brown curly hair at the supermarket. I saw the white vans you were always wearing, at the gym. I saw you, but it still wasn’t you. It was you’re hair, but your eyes were missing. It was your shoes, but it wasn’t you’re feet wearing them.

But now, now you have started fading away. I don’t see you as clearly as I did in the beginning. And I know it’s just an amount of time before I completely forget you and that scares me so much, because I’m not ready to forget you. I’m not ready to move on. Because when I do that, I know I have to realize that you’re gone, and that you won’t come back. It scares me that I don’t remember the exact color of your eyes anymore. I don’t remember the way you smiled when you were truly happy. I don’t remember the name of your favorite tea. I don’t even remember the first time you said you loved me. I just don’t remember. My therapist says it’s my mind telling me I have to move on. But I know that’s not true. Not even a single part of me wants to forget you. I just think it’s because it’s easier to remember the bad things. And that’s why I do remember the look on your face when you told me you were sick. I do remember how the tears started rolling down your cheeks when the doctor told us that it was too late. And I do remember the last weeks. How you started losing weight. Your eyes lost their sparkle, your curly hair started falling off, and your smile started fading away.

 

I don’t know what to do without you. Do you remember how I was when you first met me? I was different back then. I was the girl who got drunk every week, and the girl who sneaked out every night to be with her stupid boyfriend. I was a completely mess, but you helped me back on track. I spent all those years getting drunk. I didn’t care about anyone or anything. But mostly I didn’t care about myself. It was like I was missing something, I just didn’t know what it was, at least not until I met you. I’ve never believed in love at first sight, but oh believe me, that was close. A few weeks after we started dating I was like a completely different person. I stopped going out every week, and I broke up with my boyfriend. But most important, I started caring again. Your whole existence changed me. And now you’re gone.

 

After you left me I started drinking again. I started going out every week, just as I did when I was a teenager. I didn’t care about anything. I remember one time I was so drunk; I woke up at the hospital the next day. I remember feeling a person holding my hand, and I thought it was you. In one second I forgot everything about the past months. I thought you were still alive, and that you were worried about me. I remember I opened my eyes, just to feel my heart getting ripped out of my chest once again, when I saw it wasn’t you. I started crying and screaming. A nurse came in trying to calm me down, but it felt like I lost you again. I know I promised you I would never do that again, but you also promised me you would never leave me. You didn’t keep your promise, so why should I? When I was at the hospital your mom came to visit me. She looked at me so disappointed that I started crying again. I knew you would look at me the same way If you could see me. And that’s why I stopped drinking again. I knew you would be so disappointed. It’s weird isn’t it? That you can still control me, like you’re right beside me.

I’ve never told you how grateful I was that you saved me. You saved me from myself. But now when you’re gone, who is going to save me now?

Last week I visited your parents. They miss you too. We all do. They said that your friends wanted to see me. First I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see them yet. I thought it was too early. We all stopped talking when you died. It was just too hard to see each other, when you were supposed to be there with us. But after I thought a little about it I convinced myself that it’s a good idea to see them again. Your parents also think it’s a good idea, they think it’s a good way to remember you.

Your little sister asked me for advice when I was there. She asked me how you were when you were alive. She doesn’t remember much, but she was also only 8 when you left. I told her about all of your weird habits. I think it was the first time I truly laughed while talking about you since you died. It’s hard for her, living without her brother. She misses you, even though she doesn’t remember much about you. I think I will make her a scrap book with pictures of you in it. Then when she is feeling sad, or if she misses you, she can look in that and remember you.

Your parents also told me something else. They told me about a letter they found in your room. It was addressed to me. I wasn’t sure if I should open it or not. I was afraid what it was going to say, but after looking at it for a while, I finally opened it. I looked at your handwriting and I could feel the tears starting rolling down my cheeks. Your parents looked at each other, before they walked into another room, to give me some space. At first I couldn’t read anything because of the tears, but after a little while I could finally start reading.  How could you write that? How could you ask me to forget you? How could you ask me to move on? I know that I at some point have to move on, but I’m afraid that I’m going to forget you completely. What if I forget everything about you? I’m so afraid of what is going to happen when I finally move on. Of course i know that I have to do that at some point, and that’s why I’m going to tell you this. That’s why I’m going to tell you about this guy I met months ago, at your favorite café. Louis. When he walked in, he took my breath away, just as you did when I first saw you. He reminded me of you, and that scared me. He walked closer to my table and asked if he could sit down. Of course I said yes. You know I’m not the kind of girl who trusts people immediately, but somehow I knew I could trust him. So when he asked me how I was I told him about you. He was so sweet and understanding, and told me about one of his friend, who got cancer years ago. He told me how he visited his friend at the hospital, when his fiancé wasn’t there.. When he said his friends name I realized he was talking about you. He told me how the two of you grow up together, and he told me how sad he got when his mother told him, that you didn’t survived.

We started spending more and more time together, and we became really close. We talked a lot about you. One day he kissed me. It felt so good, and I was happy for the first time in a really long time. But then I thought about you, and it felt like I betrayed you. I started crying. After that, things changed between us. I was afraid of hurting you, and he was afraid of hurting me. But after your letter I realized something. I think it’s time for me to start moving on. And that’s not because I don’t love you anymore, because I do. And I always will.

I just think it’s time for me to love someone else too. It’s not going to be the same as it was with you. It’s going to be different, but maybe difference is good?

 

That’s why this is going to be the last letter. I will miss writing letters to you, and I will miss you. I know we will meet again, and I hope that in between you will watch over me, and I hope you will think of me, because I will definitely think about you.

I love you, forever and always.

Yours Andrea

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