↟BREAKDOWN↟ HORAN

he thinks i don´t care about him anymore, but i care more than anything. ☾

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2. chapter 2

                                                       

Although I had an apartment not far away from here, I didn't want to go home, unless I didn't knew what happened to Niall.

I asked the nurses, if heroine could cause delusions, like we had broken up, what definitely didn't happen. They said, he'd need a few days to sort out his memories, after his breakdown, because he still hadn't had a clear mind.

I let my gaze drift over to the clock as I went back into the waiting room. With shaking legs I sat down on one of the cold chairs again and rubbed my forehead.

Again I let everything happen in revue, since I came home from the hospital a few days ago.

I had been into a car accident, my mother told me, but luckily I hadn't any critical injuries, only a few scars, but nothing more. It seemed a bit abnormal, that I felt so well, although I just had been in an accident, but they said, that it wasn't that bad, I just shouldn't do much sports or strain my body.

I remembered how I wondered about Niall, who wasn't calling me neither during my time in the hospital nor as I came home. My mother said I should leave him some time to call, since he was busy with work, but he'd certainly call me.

Of course I wanted to call him, since he didn'came up with calling me, but somehow I wanted to listen to my mother. Maybe he really was busy with work and I didn't want to interrupt him.

My head ached from all this thoughts, and I felt how I was near to crying again.

"Miss, do you need something?" a woman asked me politely, but I refused, totally distracted by a blonde girl, who was entering Niall's room.

I had never seen her before, and I couldn't remember Niall having a sister or something like that.

What the fuck was going on here?

 

- NIALL -

I didn't knew, what got into her, making her visit me after fucking three years, but it just made my heart breaking even more than before. Last night, after I sent her out of my room, all the memories came back and haunted me through the whole night. I wasn't able to catch one single minute of sleep, since I heard her crying outside my room. I was so close to going out and wrapping my arms around her weak body, telling her, that I still loved her and I'd never ever leave her.

Didn't she knew anymore, why I started to take drugs?

 

"Niall it's just I can't do this anymore, you're turning my life upside down! We have barely any money, we live from day to day, how you can think about children?" she sobbed, wiping her tears away, and trying not to raise her voice against me.

"I'm sorry, baby it was just a thought!" my voice got louder, although I didn't want to scream at her, but it just annoyed me, that she always refused, when we talked about the baby-topic. I knew, we weren't rich, but we also weren't poor. We had not that much money, true, but we've together for four years now. Since I met her I knew, she was that one girl, I wanted to take part of my life.

"God, sometimes you just don't think good enough about it, Niall!" she accused with a weak voice and wiped the last few tears left on her cheeks away, turning me her back and started to clean up the desk again, like she did, before I walked up to her and asked her about having babies and stuff.

"Oh just shut the fuck up." I mumbled and went into the kitchen, knowing how much my words hurt her. I immediately wished to take them back, but she had already turned around and stared at me in shock.

"Good, if you want me to shut up, just get the fuck out of here." she responded cold and anger was again boiling in my veins. I knew, if I wouldn't leave yet, this would end in a bad fight and we wouldn't talk to each other for days.

"Fine." I mumbled and grabbed my jacket banging the door loud behind me and leaving her alone in our flat.

As I came back in the evening, I knew, that I had been drinking, but I couldn't remember, that I had drunken much. I went into the doorway, seeing her sitting on the old couch and reading some book for university. Her eyes were swollen and her hair was made into a messy bun, like most of the time when we were at home. She wore my old outworn black shirt, and some shorts and I smiled slightly, because for the moment everything seemed okay.

I thought everything would be okay from now on, but I was wrong.

 

After that day, I had come home drunk, we nearly fought every evening, and it ended with me leaving her at home and visiting some bars to get drunk. We barely spoke with each other anymore and it tore my heart apart and I knew that she also suffered from it, but nobody of us wanted to talk about it.

With every day the bags under her eyes got darker and some nights I woke up from her crying, but she refused my touch. She didn't want to be hugged anymore and when we talked, she barely looked into my eyes which broke my heart.

At that time, I didn't knew what was happening to my baby girl, and it tore me apart, not to know, what was going on.

                                                   

The knock on the door ripped me out of my thoughts and I looked up to the door, wanting to know, who came in. It was Cara, which made me smile slightly, but somehow I felt bad.

I've been dating Cara for one year now and I really was kind of in love with her, but it wasn't the same love as I had before. Cara made me forget about my old romance and she helped me through the drug phase and everything, but there was always something, which made me remember the old times. And yet just as everything came back into my life, I didn't knew, what I should do anymore. I felt terrible, because there was so much, what happened in the last time.

Since Helen broke up with me, I couldn't catch enough sleep at night and I was sent to the doctor many times, who gave me medicaments to get me to sleep at night, and they really helped. But somehow, I got to taste some drugs and I felt a hundred times better, because they shot me off the edge and it felt like I'd be in heaven. For some hours a day, I could forget about everything, and so I didn't go out with people anymore, but spend my days alone with my beloved drugs.

Sometimes I caught myself dialing Helen´s number, just wanting to hear her voice, but before she answered I ended the call, because I knew, it'd destroy me, if she had a new boyfriend or if she wouldn't want me anymore.

So I started to ask her mother sometimes, if she was okay, and if it was going well with her university, because I knew, how much effort she put into her education. But I was never brave enough to ask her mother, if Helen already had somebody new in her life.

After two years had passed since our breakup, I met Cara in a bar. A guy was way too pushy and he wanted to touch her and stuff and it ended with me and him getting into a fight and I was sent to hospital, because that fucker managed to break my nose. Cara wanted to accompany me to hospital, since I saved her and for the first time in ages I smiled and at that time she really made me happy.

Cara was a nice and lovely girl and I was truly blessed to have her, but compared to Helen, she was nothing. Nobody could ever replace the love of my life.

 

"How are you baby?" Cara asked softly as she walked over to me, grabbing my hand gently and smiling lovely. She had straightened her blonde hair again, but I didn't mind, because it was her decision, how she wanted to look.

"Cara, is there a brunette girl sitting in the waiting area?" I asked quietly and looked into her warm green eyes.

She nodded in response.

"Yeah, but she was about to leave I think. A nurse wanted to send her home, because she was crying." she mumbled and kissed my forehead.

"Oh okay, thanks." I mumbled and closed my eyes again, since they felt so heavy.

"Baby you should catch some sleep." Cara whispered and took her hands away.

I shrugged slightly as she called me baby. I once told her, that I didn't want to be called baby, because Helen used to say this, but Cara kept saying it, bringing my memories back.

But I couldn't bother anymore, I was already drifting into a deep sleep.

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