Emotional Ramblings

idk this is just a jumble of emotional rambles really, I wouldn't really bother reading tbh :') A few parts were omitted just in case
(the picture isn't mine, it's from tumblr, if you know who made it, let me know so I can credit)

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1. this is everything

You broke my heart

I wanted you to understand that pain,

I wanted you to feel it

to be have a gaping hole that aches inside your chest

 

but you don’t care

you have better ways to move on

like telling them you love them

like pretending I don’t exist

you don’t toss and turn

you don’t press your hands to your heart to try to cease the pain

 

I had to learn to move on

I had to figure out how replace the time I spent on you

 

I started losing myself in music I’d never heard of

I started exercise every single day

I started to focus even more on the hunger that gnaws at my body

I started to study even more, in every spare second I had

I still do

 

I’m too scared to stop

I’m too scared of my thoughts catching up

I’m too scared of remembering what feelings are

I’m too scared of having to think

I’m too scared of myself

 

sometimes it all comes back

sometimes, in the most random of places, I’m hit with the remembrance

like on the bus to college, when I scented something that sent me back

to holding you in my arms,

my face in your hair,

your face in my shoulder,

my arms around your slender waist

fingers stroking patterns across your skin

 

how can something feel so happy

but tear and shred and rip to pieces all that I have inside?

 

I know that it was never to be

there was no way it could have worked

because, in the end, we changed

 

the changes were not bad ones

they just had us become too different to ever be compatible

you became more of yourself

you made friends

you came out of your shell

you finally had a life that you could look forward to

and that life was away from me

 

I became more of myself too

but I lost most of my friends

I drew more into my shell

I began to have life that I dreaded every moment of

and the only life I had was with you

 

even though I could tell

 

falling out of love with me

I could see it

in your eyes and in the sounds of your words

the happiness and guilt and excitement and new love

when you spoke of them

and the sadness and fear and pity and old love

when you spoke of me

 

I think I knew before you did

that you were falling in love with them

I tried to convince myself it was more of the paranoia

but I knew better

I could feel how you did

 

it was painful for you

I can tell

you started becoming numb to cope

to get rid of the guilt

or maybe it was to put me off

to drive me away from you

 

by that point I couldn’t tell anymore

I couldn’t know how much I was feeling off you

and how much I was imagining I felt from you

 

I know you tried to make it easier

you weren’t lying when you said you still cared

when you said you still loved me

but you knew it had to end

 

I knew it too

I just didn’t want to

I didn’t want to be alone again

to not be cared for

to not be needed

to be unwanted

 

I knew you were trying to make it easier for me

so I tried to let you believe you were

you told me to talk more to friends

to build up the friendships I didn’t have

because you didn’t want me to be alone

 

I lied when I told you I had

If I hadn’t it would’ve been harder for you

and I didn’t want that

through it all, all I wanted was your happiness

 

you told me we would stay friends

you told me we may even be together again

and I knew it was false

but I didn’t care

I was content with the thought that you were trying to be kind

again, I pretended, just to make it easier

to keep you happier

to try and let you be guilt free

 

I didn’t speak to anyone about it

who even cared?

who would I even talk to?

so I spoke to myself about it

with little markings

 

I didn’t want to burden anyone else

afterall, that was one of the things that drove you away

because I hurt you with all my pain

so I kept it to myself

it didn’t matter if I hurt

so long as I was the only one to hurt

it didn’t even matter how much

 

you see

everyone talks about toxic people

poisonous people you have to get rid of from your lives

the people that are always bringing you down

 

I’m one of them

I can tell

you try and say otherwise

but you would

no one would tell a toxic person they were toxic

it would be farl too cruel

 

I wish I could’ve kept away from people

I intended to

but somehow I ended up with friends

even perhaps something more

 

and I’m scared

 

general life is more stressful now than before

and I have no control

other than with the bad things

the things I do to myself

even though I know I shouldn’t

 

so if I lost her too

I would need even more control

and me needing control is never good

 

I’ll lose weight again

I’ll have to be taken away from college for it

 

and once that’s gone

once I can’t go to uni

once I can’t achieve my dream

 

there really won’t be any point

anymore

 

I’ll have nothing else to live for

 

you saved me from this once

I think

but now it’s even worse

and I only keep trying so I can reach the new dream I found

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