How to Power Your Life-Support With a Lemon

Arthur Smith lives in Kent, London. He is not talented or smart or even handsome. But what Arthur does have going for him is stupidity. And it is this, and a curiously titled manual that spirals him into an adventure with a partner in Crime who couldn't be more of his opposite.

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1. Prolouge

Before you must know anything; before you must know absolutely anything; before you must know absolutely almost certainly definitely anything else, you must know this. “How to Power Your Life-Support with a Lemon” is a book. That much is a fact. It might also be said to be a fact – in presuming here that a fact is a fact (as an egg is an egg) – that “How to Power Your Life-Support with a Lemon” is a very curious oddity of literature. This in turn is to say that the book in question is simply - in essence - a very weird book indeed and that eggs are a solid necessity in judging facts.

“How to Power Your Life-Support with a Lemon” might even be said to be, and by some deranged old lady no doubt, sat in a coffee shop nowhere in particular while wearing nothing in particular (except a pink scarf she had once been given by her pet poodle, Stan, for her birthday), most possibly the weirdest book of all time; beating the likes of “The Survivalists Guide to Dying”, “How to Read: A Novel” and the 2011 Book Oddity of the Year Award – a paper award, somewhat like the Oscars, made from the pages of losing titles – “Water Repellent Towels and Why We Need Them!”

Why yes, while it is true that “How to Power Your Life-Support with a Lemon” is indeed a strange and marvellous book, it is also true that the book is in fact all of these things because of one singular reason. One reason, that is not in fact because the book uses big, polysyllabic words like “big” or “polysyllabic”, and nor is it because it messes with the senses - much like the winner of the prestigious and ever coveted Brain Fart Award.* No. “How to Power Your Life-Support with a Lemon” is so utterly mystifying and bamboozling because it does exactly what it says on the tin**.

 

 

 

 

 

*The Brain Fart Award is one wherein the book’s author(s) has someone sit on his or her head, usually a clerical priest, and ceremoniously flatulate the anthem of that said author’s homeland. The book in question, and 2006 winner, was one written by Soviet author, Ivan Dyuzhenkov, titled “How to Switch the Senses: A Book You Can Taste with Your Sight.”

 

Ivan later said that he thoroughly enjoyed the experience despite the Minister’s inability to pass gas in Russian.

 

** ”How to Power Your Life-Support with a Lemon” is not written on a tin.

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