Robert Cuts the Grass

This is a story about a guy named Robert. He lives a pretty chaotic life, from his wanna-be-hooker mom, to his tomboy girlfriend Avee. He goes on plenty of action packed adventures and meets many 'interesting' people along the way, and he wants to share it all with you!


1. The Hole

Robert woke up Saturday morning and swore when he remembered it was his weekend to cut the grass. He got out of bed and raced out his door, tripping on the 3 steps into the kitchen and scraping his knee. He pulled out the Hello Kitty bandage he kept in his pocket and delicately placed it over the bruise.

“All better now, that was a close call.” He walks over to the table to sit down and eat.

“What’s for breakfast today, mom?”

“Pancakes, as usual”

“We’ve had pancakes every day for the past 5 years though, and they are always shaped like-”

His mom slides the pancake onto his plate. It’s heart shaped, and cut straight through the middle.

“Like this…”

“I don’t know how it turns out like that every time Robert, it must be magic.”

“Sure mom.” With a disappointed tone.


After finishing Robert gets up to go grab the keys for the lawnmower. Noticing they weren’t on the hook, he asks his mom.

“Where are the keys?”

“Oh, I might have accidentally dropped them in the toilet.”

“Again mom, really.” This happened quite often, Robert mastered the art of working the plunge.

“Agh! got it!” Now he just had to reach in and grab the keys.

He walks out to the garage and tries to start up the lawnmower, but it refuses to budge.

“Don’t make me get out the whip again.”

After about an hour of sitting there twisting the key back and forth, spark meets gas and it starts up. “Finally!”

Robert got out cruising at a steady 1 mph. Feeling the breeze blow in his hair, looking at all the dead birds on the ground. “They must have seen my mom in her bikini.”


But Robert was going way too fast, he wasn’t paying attention when all the sudden he fell into a ten foot hole.

“Ow! Who dug this giant hole?”

The lawnmower was a wreck, miraculously Robert escaped without a cut. He got up and started looking around. He stumbled upon 2 signs, one said, “Journey to the center of the earth” and the other read, “Journey to find out who dug this dumb hole.” Robert sat on a nearby rock for a few hours pondering which one he’d enjoy more. Finally he decides to go and find who dug the tunnel.


The first thing Robert stumbled upon was a size 50 pair of shorts. “I found the first clue!” This was very exciting, he thought. With this motivation he explored deeper into the tunnel. Eventually he grew very tired, and decided to sit on a very interesting looking rock. It was grey all over, with a giant black spot on top. Sitting down to rest, he felt something heavy weighing him down on his back. He looked and realized he never took his backpack off after school yesterday. Robert got very excited as he remembered he had half an energy bar left from a week ago in it.

“Oooo, it has even grown a little mold on it, this’ll be great!”

Renewed with energy he continues deeper.


Suddenly he notices a peculiar smell, very revolting. He decided he has to investigate. As he gets farther, the tunnel gets smaller and the stench becomes so bad he has to put on a gas mask.

He trips on a pebble and falls faceplants into something soft. He opens his eyes and realized he stuck his face into a pair of Victoria’s Secret’s “Big Girls” line underwear. Robert just had to put it on to feel the soft smoothness around his own legs. Then it hit him. The giant black spot he sat on before was a spider that bit him in the butt and then scurried away. It was black and blue, and purple, but Robert wouldn’t let a poisonous deadly wound stop him from his adventure. Continuing down he finally stumbles upon the final clue, a size 50 shirt with a built in bra. “This is enough evidence, time to head back.” he thought.


He went back into the house, walking up to his mom and said,

“Hey mom, try on these clothes for me please.”

She comes back and the clothes fit perfectly on her.

With outburst and excitement Robert screams, “YES, I SOLVED THE MYSTERY!”.

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